Dear Dude Whisperer,
What a great idea! I love this blog already. So I have a truly San Francisco dude dilemma that I hope you will enjoy solving.
I don’t know if you ride the bus, but I have had what we SF Muni riders call a Bus Crush since about November. I get on first, we both get off on the same stop.
I have tried smiling and eye contact to no avail. To make the possibility for small talk more likely I bring the best conversation-starter props I can think of: a Blackberry that I clearly have no idea how to use, the Economist, flash cards for a test, architectural drawings, Garden and Gun magazine, all with no results. My only indication of interest from him is that he has twice held the door open for me when we were getting off.
My question is whether you think I should instigate a conversation. I know that men are driven by getting what they don’t think is available, so I am wary of being the one who is the pursuer.
Secondly, can you recommend any good icebreakers? Being on the bus means there is an audience, and all heads swivel in unison when they hear a pickup line in action. I haven’t tried dropping a bunch of papers or falling and busting my ass, I was hoping for a better way.
Thanks Dude Whisperer!
PS I’m *smokin* hot, I don’t know if that makes a difference.
You know, what would make this a truly San Francisco dude dilemma is if your Bus Crush was gay. But for the purposes of an answer, we’ll sully forth assuming straightness.
That said, just go talk to this dude already. You have no idea how refreshing it is for a dude to have a woman initiate a conversation for once. Your questions and uncertainty and doubt in this one instance are what single dudes have to regularly face when approaching women, after all. It doesn’t mean you want to move to the burbs with him and bear his children, it just lets him know you’re interested enough to say hi and that if he asks you out you’ll probably say yes. And since this is so rarely how the dynamic works, you don’t really need to be super smooth with an ice-breaker. It’s not like most dudes have had a hundred shitty pickup lines tried out on them like you have. Just say good morning. Ask his name or where he’s going every day on that bus. Whatever. The dude will already be sizing you up, trying to figure out how badly he wants to touch your boobies. The last thing he’ll remember is the dumb thing you said to get him talking. Yes, it’s that simple. Dudes are not complicated. Remember this always.
Now, two quick further notes…
First, while things like eye contact and door holding can absolutely have significance, be careful, when dealing with dudes, about assigning them too much significance. In your head the Bus Crush situation is becoming this complicated narrative of flirtation trial and error. Maybe the Bus Crush has picked up on this, but the DW would bet the baseball Moises Alou threw to him from right field at PacBell Park that the Bus Crush could not possibly be more oblivious to your desire for him to ask you out. If in doubt, assume a dude did not understand your hint. At. All.
Second, you think you “know that men are driven by getting what they don’t think is available”, but you think wrong. The DW greatly prefers the available. And he’s not alone. I’ll put it this way. You and Alicia Keys are sitting at a bar. The DW has to approach one of you and ask you out. Know who the DW would approach? You. Because with you I’ve got a shot. You’re more available. Now, I’m not saying you go up to Bus Crush and start humping his leg like some kind of St. Bernard with a Blackberry and flashcards. Of course that’s off-putting. But the DW is a big believer that playing hard to get, by and large, only sends signals to dudes that they interpret as you not being interested, and chasing around a woman who isn’t interested is a pain in the ass, potentially humiliating, and something a lot of dudes just won’t take on.
Hope this helps. And if you have the time, the DW would love to hear how it goes if you decide to give Bus Crush the ol’ how-do-you-do.
Thanks for reading! Best,
PS- Of course smokin hot makes a difference! Smokin hot women know this, right?
Anyway, the DW, for this case, simply approached smokin hot as very good looking and 100% datable. Truly smokin hot is a topic that will need to be addressed more fully at another time.
[ SD responds:]
THANKS DUDE WHISPERER! I’ll let you know how it goes 😉