Dudefile #8 – I Don’t Get Why He Even Bothers Responding


ok, i will keep it simple, but if you need more deets, just ask.

i met someone about 8 months ago, and we hit it off immediately. first date: drinks, at which he asked if i wanted to have dinner the following week. dinner plans fell thru, but we had drinks again, also great. note: minimal physical contact. then we parted ways for quite about two months-each traveling, doing stuff, etc. etc. third date: my place-physical stuff, not the whole shebang at this point, he really just didn’t seem keen on committing to a date. he had lost his job, and was looking, etc., but not in any great rush to get together again. but we did after i was a way for a while. 4th date. a falling out ensued. two months go by. i made contact-5th date: great time, talks about doing stuff, etc. etc.

in between dates he mentions wanting to get together, texts, emails, etc., but no hurry to get together. i have called him on this a couple of times, and he chalks up the wishy washyness to not knowing about his future etc.

my question is, fine and well if he wants friend status, which he has said is a given. but he makes no effort. YET, always responds, makes comments about doing something else, etc. so what gives? i don’t get why he even bothers responding….

as i write this, it all seems pretty obvious, but in general, what is this all about?

thanks DW,


Hi SP,

Here are five of the DW’s favorite foods, not necessarily in order.

  1. steak
  2. chocolate
  3. any decent spicy curry
  4. donuts
  5. pizza

(Incidentally, the DW recently had pizza for the first time at Gaspare’s on Geary between 19th and 20th Aves in S.F. Why did I not know about this place sooner? Super thin, greasy, and perhaps the DW’s new favorite in all of the city. And the tiramisu nearly brought him to tears of joy. So there you go, Gaspare’s. Don’t say I never did nothin’ for ya.)

It’s probably not a surprise then, given the list above, that the DW has a piece of chocolate in his mouth right now and just emailed a friend about meeting up for some Indian food in the next couple days. Day before last? Steak burrito. And pizza? Including the other night, the DW must have had pizza five times in the last three weeks.

Here’s the thing, though. That’s food. And as much fun as it is to say a fat steak or Gaspare’s pizza or raspberry cheesecake or French fries are “better than sex”, none of those things are. Unless you’re really, really bad at sex. Like, so bad the DW can’t even make a joke, he just feels deeply sorry for you and wants to buy you a cookie and some instructional videos. None of those food things are even better (to dudes either, believe it or not) than the rush of those early dates where you’re going out with someone who drives you crazy because at that point even the prospect of touching boobies and getting it on seems charged with matters of life and death.

Can you see where the DW is going with this? You’ve gone out with this dude five times in eight months. Forget about eating his favorite food, a dude might call his parents more often than that. Or do the laundry. Or floss. The DW understands that some of this is scheduling, traveling, and whatever, but if a dude is into you, he’ll find a way to see you more often than once every month and a half. He just will.

So why does he respond? Why not? Even after having a falling out on the fourth date- which honestly begs the question how much there is to fall out from on a fourth date- and basically not going out of his way one lick to move along your relationship, you still make it easy for this dude to take you out, have a drink, maybe fool around. The dude probably figures he’s got nothing to lose, right? He doesn’t have to act interested or commit to anything. If you fall out again, you fall out again. If you see him in two months, you see him in two months. As the kids say these days, whatevs. He makes no effort because he has no reason to.

Maybe what the DW would ask is what you, SP, want out of this dude. After you figure that out, ask him if he’s willing to move in that direction. Once he’s prodded out of his stupor, he’ll make a decision. And the DW bets it won’t be that he’d like to be friends.

Best of luck with Mr. WishyWashy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go get a donut,

the DW

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7 Responses to Dudefile #8 – I Don’t Get Why He Even Bothers Responding

  1. Anonymous says:

    “Maybe what the DW would ask is what you, SP, want out of this dude. After you figure that out, ask him if he’s willing to move in that direction. Once he’s prodded out of his stupor, he’ll make a decision.”What does this mean exactly? Spelling out for the guy to care and take action?

  2. Well, you can’t Make the dude do anything. But yes, SP should spell out what she would like from him. Right now SP is letting this situation just drift wherever it goes with no consequence. Whether the dude does something she likes or acts like an aloof jerk, she’s always there, always willing to go out, chat, get it on, whatever. If she makes plain what she wants and acts like she wants it and says she wants it, the dude will have to react. He’ll have to be accountable for himself. Maybe he’ll say I Love You, Let’s Make Babies. Maybe he’ll slink away in silence and be gone. But he’ll have to do Something. Right now he doesn’t have to do anything but be near the phone. She’ll call again and he knows it.

  3. sugarplum says:

    Well, if it is any consolation to anyone, DW or anonymous, SP is D.O.N.E. with the situation. A girl has her pride…at some point.Thanks, DW!

  4. Anonymous says:

    You live in SF? Have you been to Little Star (pizza) on Divis?

  5. You’re more than welcome, SP! And good for you. The next dude will be better.anonymous, the DW has been to Little Star. Damned good, although in the raging Little Star/ Zachary’s debate, the DW has to admit he sides with Zachary’s.

  6. Anonymous says:

    i think dude replies & always says he wants to hang because he likes the attention he gets from you. Dudes can be like girls that way.

  7. Donna says:

    Dudes like the attention that they get from us “just friend” types? Even the ones that are always by the phone/chat? Just like girls?

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