Hi Dude Whisperer,
I met this guy, “Joe,” through mutual friends a few months ago — as an official set up, not a happenstance encounter. We hit it off, hung out in groups a couple of times and then went on two excellent dates. He’s super busy [with a legit reason the DW was asked to edit out] so sometimes it would be a week or more before I’d hear from him, but whenever we did talk or see each other, the conversation and chemistry were both great.
Then he invited me away to the lake with him and the mutual friends (a couple) for the weekend. We had a really really good time: after only two real dates, we spent 48 hours together (including about 3 hours driving, each way, just the two of us), shared a bed, saw each other first thing in the a.m. all sleepy faced and unprimped, and it was still amazing. We had good conversations about big things that are important to us. We slept together (which was also really good) and there was some mild hand holding, and all in all it was great — I came back from it exclaiming to self, “That was the best weekend ever!”
Then I didn’t hear from him for almost two weeks. I’m not one to sit around, so I called/emailed him twice. When I finally heard back from him, he apologized for being so MIA and said he’d been really busy, but he knew that was no excuse for not at least calling me. He came over, told me how amazed he was that I didn’t get angry at him, and took me to dinner, where we — as usual — had great conversation and I felt really comfortable.
Finally I brought up: “So…can we talk about how busy you’ve been and get it over with, and then just go on to enjoying each others company?” He laughed and we started talking.
About 2 hours of talking later, both at the restaurant and back at my place, he finally decided: he really likes me, really has a great time being with me, is very attracted to me, but he’s too busy right now, he’s not the kind of person who can date casually and at the moment he’s not able to give me the attention he would want to. Plus, I’ll likely be away for 2 months beginning in a few months, and he might have to move away for work next year. If this was two years ago when our lives were more settled he’d be all into it, but it’s not so he isn’t.
I said: I understand that both of us have uncertain futures, but I think this has the potential to be really good and I really like you and I think we should try it, and cross that bridge when we come to it (fwiw, we both have had successful long distance relationships in the past).
He said: Nope, sorry, just can’t do it.
He’s 29, I’m 26. This was a few weeks ago and I’m still thinking about it. What gives? Any chance I can romantically show up on his doorstep (or via his cell phone…) and ask for another chance?I firmly believe that if a person really likes someone, they’ll make time, even if they’re busy. True? Does this mean all of our amazingness together wasn’t as amazing from his end, and I’m just not worth it to him?
–He Rained on Our Parade
When the DW was young, he was a really good baseball player. Of course, like every dude since the first caveman who threw a rock just for the fun of it he overestimated his talents a bit, but even by objective standards the DW was really good. So, when high school came to a close, the DW assumed he would play college ball. He showed up for tryouts, played well against the returning members of the team, and waited to get a call asking him what number he’d like on his uniform, where he’d like to hit in the batting order, and if he’d prefer his groupies to be slinky or buxom.
Well, nobody called. No list was posted on a door in the athletic complex. The team simply moved on and began preparing for their season. At first, the DW was utterly confused as to how the team was going to cope without him. Then he rationalized that maybe the team had too many roster spots locked up with scholarships, but maybe next year after a couple dudes graduated they’d find a way to have him. Finally, grudgingly, much much later (like about a month ago), the DW faced the truth that he just wasn’t good enough.
Let’s leave baseball there for now and get to your weekend away with this dude. First of all, if a dude takes you on a trip for two days, out of town, with a couple, he’s definitely taking you seriously, or at the very least considering taking you seriously. Hooking up is one thing, but that kind of time commitment is not something a dude forks over just because he’s bored and wants to chat. Especially a dude who, as you mention, finds it hard to call more than once a week.
In fact, you could consider the weekend a tryout of sorts. Did the dude plan this as a tryout? Probably not. And true, you’re not wearing a uniform and competing against a team of other sweaty women throwing a ball around or whatever. Although that would be kind of awesome. But the situation is stuffed full of ramped-up intimacy and the potential for “taking the next step”, as the DW’s writers seem to call it. It’s pivotal. You’re in the car forever together, you’re in the same bed, you have sex, and all the things you mentioned.
So, when you get back and the dude doesn’t call for two weeks? You didn’t make the team. The DW isn’t saying it was necessarily a wise decision on your dude’s part, or that it was any one thing you did or didn’t do. But, for whatever reason, the dude knew at some point on that trip it wasn’t going to work long term. You wouldn’t know at what point he decided, because it would have been like poking himself in the eye with the sharp corner of a Rachael Ray cookbook for the dude to give you the bad news, say, 7 hours into a forty-eight hour trip and have you two spend the last 41 hours miserable and awkward and endlessly hashing over the whys and why nots. The point is that after a trip that intimate, two weeks simply do not pass if a dude is interested. Do. Not. Two weeks didn’t even pass for Mr. Superbusy even before you went away together.
As for what came after? The DW suspects this dude felt shitty about not even calling at all and when you prodded him enough that he had to respond, as you should have, he went through the theater of saying it was circumstances and apparently did it well enough that you were let down easier. But that’s not when he “finally decided”. The DW is 147% positive he knew way, way before then that you two were not happening.
And you really are not happening. Ever. Once a dude says no, especially knowing that he’s giving up a season pass to ski the slopes of Yourunderpants Hills, take him at his word. Whether the reasons he gave were the truth or a load of horseflop, in his head something is making the situation not right and winning him over is simply not going to happen.
So, no. Don’t show up on the doorstep. He’s not invested in this. If anything did strike up, it would be out of convenience and you would get your heart smooshed even worse later on after even more run-around.
Here’s the good thing about not making the team, though. When the DW didn’t make the college baseball team it was a wake-up call that he wasn’t good enough to play baseball on that level in general. It was a matter of measurable value. College ball. Not happening. Period. Your tryout was with one dude. And for all we know, this “Joe” might be kind of a flaky douchebag with all his “I’m so busy” junk. This wasn’t anything across the board damning about you as a person or as a lay or anything at all. Be exactly the same with the next dude and he might find you the bee’s knees.
Hope the next tryout goes better,