So this is kind of involved, but I’ll try & give you the short hand version:
I have a friends with benefits situation with a guy I met about 6 months ago. We met after both of us ended a long term relationship and while getting to know each other, we kind of agreed that we weren’t ready for anything serious. Since we really did enjoy each other’s company though, it kind of evolved into a f*ck buddy agreement. Which is great for me since the sex is amazing, and we’re both very busy people. My issue is that over the last few months, things have gotten kind of weird and I’m not sure why.
The first two to three months of this agreement was great. We had amazing sex, we chatted online almost every day like friends do. We would work around our schedules & end up at his place for the said mind blowing sex. We keep weekends free to hang out with our friends separately, and things were going along fine. We discussed not having any other similar agreements set up with anyone else, and if we were interested in someone either dating or for sex, we’d respect each other to let the other know. It was a great set up. The snafu came when one day out of the blue he gave me the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. He literally told me flat out that the reason why we weren’t progressing wasn’t because of me, but because he wasn’t sure what he wanted, and wasn’t ready for something serious. I was blown away.
You have to understand that while we hung out often, usually at least a few hours before actually doing the deed, we were never remotely close to being relationship-ish. We didn’t hold hands, we didn’t make out, we didn’t cuddle while watching movies on the couch. We hung out, joked around, got food together, shared a few laughs & then retired to the bedroom to have awesome sex. Sometimes he’d ask me to stay over, and if I do, I’m usually out of the door before he even has a chance to hit his alarm clock. There were no mixed signals about anyone getting attached in this situation, so for him to say what he did really boggles my mind. I replied in Sesame Street style that I wasn’t looking for anything else other than what we had going on already, and if he was okay with that then we can drop the subject, if not, then we’d need to discuss this in further detail. He dropped it, and since then he started being distant. We’d still hook up, but it wasn’t the same, and we didn’t chat quite as often anymore.
Fast forward to the past few weeks, he has taken to calling me almost daily and having hours long conversations. While I enjoy his company & chatting with him, I have no idea where this is coming from. The last few stay overs has resulted in him getting me a toothbrush, cuddling & spooning while sleeping, and he’s involving me in more things in his life. He’s asking to spend time with me on the weekends now, and has suggested we take a trip together. I’ve never been so confused in my life. What is it exactly that he’s trying to tell/show me here? Please help.
Hi So Confused,
The DW was trying to think of a movie where a dude dresses up like a woman to reference at the beginning of this answer, but the only ones coming to mind are Tootsie, Mrs. Doubtfire, and White Chicks and the DW is damned if he’s gonna talk about any of those turdbombs, especially since the only one he actually saw was Tootsie and that was 73 years ago. Well, except to say that White Chicks is the only ‘comedy’ in the DW’s lifetime whose trailer looked for all the world like it was advertising a horror movie.
The reason the idea came to mind is that you’ve got a role switching situation here. Based on stereotypes, life experience, and the empirical evidence of reader letters, the DW has concluded that if one person in dude/woman f-buddy arrangement like this is going to fail to keep the hot boning separate from the precious feelings it’s super waaaaay more likely to be the woman. Which, depending on how you look at it is either a credit to women or not. But your dude is the exception. Which is bad luck, really. Statistically speaking, there was a much higher chance of him getting hit by a gay lightning bus. Unless, you know, there were extenuating circumstances like him being a virgin or a programmer or a Ren-faire serf or something.
Now, if this dude was a woman he’d be accused of laying a ‘trap’, as if he’d plotted out charts and diagrams and calendars in a dimly lit basement, setting an elaborate plan in motion that culminates in the perfect post-homemade-dinner cuddle on the couch that finally renders you powerless to resist his sincere overtures of commitment. But, yeah, probably not. The dude probably just realized at some point that he was daydreaming about more than just the new and exciting angles from which he might grasp your boobies. And that was weird. So he started acting weird.
The main evidence is this. No dude in an f-buddy arrangement does all this touchy feely involve you in his life kinda action your dude does. If anything, a dude can’t find enough ways to keep you from being involved (see Dudefile #14 – The Arrangement) because he’s positively scared to death of somehow mucking up the f*ck only nature of the situation. Having an f-buddy may not be that hard for a woman to work out if that’s what she wants- as always, the DW has no idea about women. But for dudes? No-strings, repeated sex happens about as often as cicadas. Or the Year of the Monkey. It’s the stuff of our direct and uncomplicated dreams. Hell, half the reason we have more elaborate dreams like being NBA players or rock stars is because those would put us in position to get back to the direct and uncomplicated dream of no-strings repeated sex. So, this dude IM-ing you all day? And, of all things, getting spoon-y? Well, that means he’s either strikingly dumb or getting attached.
Here’s how the DW thinks it went down. This dude didn’t necessarily realize how much hanging out and chatting and IMing you two were doing in addition to the Hide the Underpants dance. Then one day he looked up from his desk and said, “Holy crap! We spend a lot of time together!” And he gets worried for the reasons above. He’s mucked it up! He’s blurred the f-buddy lines! And this causes a moment of choice. What choice, you ask? The Am I In For a Relationship Choice. Cue chanting horror-movie apocalyptic choral music.
But now you’re saying, So Confused, “Hey, let’s just back up a minute here, DW! I caused no choice! We were just getting’ it on! Isn’t that what you jerks want!”
And you’re right. It is what we want and you caused nothing. This dude just figured things wrong all on his lonesome. Dudes just have a real distrust that women can be f-buddies. You know how women think, and often rightly so, that dudes have a natural predisposition to resist commitment? Dudes labor under the assumption that you crave it. Like sugar coated crack with whipped cream and People magazine on top. So, this dude thinks he has painted himself into a corner by acting all boyfriend-ish and thinks that he has to either poo or get off the proverbial pot. Am I In For a Relationship?
Clearly, he chose yes. And actually, his actions say he had already chosen some time ago he just hadn’t realized it. So, like one of those poker dudes with icky facial hair and supersmooth shades, he went All In.
Meanwhile, back on planet Earth, you are doing all the right things by acting according to the terms of the Geneva Casual A#s-Sharing Conventions and this dude is doing a world class crap-ola job of communicating what he wants and making all kinds of assumptions on your behalf. If you get Sesame Street on his ass and he still calls every day? Well, when does a dude actually call every day except when he’s as# over heels in deep smit or trying to get in your pants? And he’s already in your pants. The trip and the calling every day and the toothbrush seal it for the DW that this guy is no longer gonna be work-able as pure wiener. If you want to take on a boyfriend, you got one. Otherwise, you’ll probably need to cut this off and seek a dude who’s not pining for anything above your shoulders.
Incidentally, the DW loved how you handled this whole thing, in case he didn’t make that clear enough. Aboveboard and straight ahead. It’s what every dude in the world knows how to handle. Er, except for this one.
May your next dude not be so problematically emotionally available,