[ It’s summer and, judging from the DW’s mail, time for many of you to get on your favorite dating site to find yourself an upstanding dude who likes his mom and loves how you look in that new tankini you just got on sale at Forever 21. As he may have mentioned, the DW met his wife online and, therefore, has more than just theoretical knowledge about what a dude sees as he slogs through profiles. It seemed like it might be handy to distill what he learned into a limited series of Online Dating Tips. The first is below. More to follow soon. Enjoy and use wisely. ]
Tip #1 – No Dude Photos
Say you’re Beyonce. Jay-Z divorces you just because he’s rich and bored. Naturally, you decide to find your next man online. Once you’re done typing about how you like sunsets and puppies, you figure you’re so young and pneumatic and used to being photographed it’s probably not possible to post a bad profile picture, right? Wrong. Even you, Beyonce, can make yourself unappealing if you post a photo like this…
Okay, so unappealing might not be the right word. You’re still pretty darned attractive. But when a dude browsing profiles sees this photo here’s what he thinks- You Are So Not Over Your Last Dude. He figures maybe you’re up for some zipperdropping, but he’s not going to take you seriously because he’d sooner kick himself in the nuts than take on a woman who still carries a torch for Jay-Z’s wiener.
Bear in mind, Beyonce, that it doesn’t matter if that dude’s arm is really an ex’s. Maybe it’s your brother’s. Or maybe it belongs to someone you don’t even know. But it looks like your ex’s. That’s what a browsing dude will assume. Same goes for the arm of your totally unthreatening gay friend. Your tour manager. The milkman. Whoever. And actually, even if it’s somehow clear that the dude/dude arm/dude leg is platonic, leave it out, anyway. Dudes don’t even want to compete with platonic dudes.
Doesn’t matter if you have 18 dudeless other photos, if you have one with a dude like this buried way at the back of your profile, it’s a problem. Dudes do not see your dress or the scenery or whatever it is you hope they’ll notice about the dude photo in the way you wish they would. That stuff is all white noise in the background because they are simply using your pictures to figure out how cute and attainable and desirable they think you are. That’s it. And you’re less of all those things in a picture with a dude.