Online Dating Tip #1 – No Dude Photos

[ It’s summer and, judging from the DW’s mail, time for many of you to get on your favorite dating site to find yourself an upstanding dude who likes his mom and loves how you look in that new tankini you just got on sale at Forever 21. As he may have mentioned, the DW met his wife online and, therefore, has more than just theoretical knowledge about what a dude sees as he slogs through profiles. It seemed like it might be handy to distill what he learned into a limited series of Online Dating Tips. The first is below. More to follow soon. Enjoy and use wisely. ]

Tip #1 – No Dude Photos

Say you’re Beyonce. Jay-Z divorces you just because he’s rich and bored. Naturally, you decide to find your next man online. Once you’re done typing about how you like sunsets and puppies, you figure you’re so young and pneumatic and used to being photographed it’s probably not possible to post a bad profile picture, right? Wrong. Even you, Beyonce, can make yourself unappealing if you post a photo like this…

Okay, so unappealing might not be the right word. You’re still pretty darned attractive. But when a dude browsing profiles sees this photo here’s what he thinks- You Are So Not Over Your Last Dude. He figures maybe you’re up for some zipperdropping, but he’s not going to take you seriously because he’d sooner kick himself in the nuts than take on a woman who still carries a torch for Jay-Z’s wiener.

Bear in mind, Beyonce, that it doesn’t matter if that dude’s arm is really an ex’s. Maybe it’s your brother’s. Or maybe it belongs to someone you don’t even know. But it looks like your ex’s. That’s what a browsing dude will assume. Same goes for the arm of your totally unthreatening gay friend. Your tour manager. The milkman. Whoever. And actually, even if it’s somehow clear that the dude/dude arm/dude leg is platonic, leave it out, anyway. Dudes don’t even want to compete with platonic dudes.

Doesn’t matter if you have 18 dudeless other photos, if you have one with a dude like this buried way at the back of your profile, it’s a problem. Dudes do not see your dress or the scenery or whatever it is you hope they’ll notice about the dude photo in the way you wish they would. That stuff is all white noise in the background because they are simply using your pictures to figure out how cute and attainable and desirable they think you are. That’s it. And you’re less of all those things in a picture with a dude.

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6 Responses to Online Dating Tip #1 – No Dude Photos

  1. Anonymous says:

    Point taken, DW. But what about all the dudes’ profiles with shots of themselves surrounded by a bevy of babes? I think it goes both ways. However, I suspect dudes are more likely to be proving the point that they are Attractive To Attractive Females, which is weird and disconcerting. Doesn’t everyone want the Attractive Person – but yet the Attractive Person Who Doesn’t Know That They’re Attractive (hence, perfect for you, the profile-reader)?

  2. anon 9:02- It always goes both ways. Keep in mind that, as usual, the DW is not defending dudes, he’s just explaining where they are coming from. Dudes with the bevy of babes photo are clearly making a grave miscalculation as you suggest.

  3. Anonymous says:

    I’m sorry, DW. I wasn’t attacking you… just projecting my own annoyances with online-dating onto your blog. I know you speak The Truth.

  4. no worries! you made sense and it wasn’t taken as an attack at all. the DW was just making sure his own writing hadn’t been unclear. anyway, you and others should air out as much as you want about dude profiles (or about the DW, for that matter). that way the dudes (and the DW) might learn a little something, too.

  5. Anonymous says:

    i think maybe sometimes the dudettes post the picture with the cut of dude because they think it’s the best looking picture they have of themselves. but no matter how good you look in that picture it is the wrong picture to post. dudes just end up thinking about the cut out dude. and maybe about being the cut out dude in the future.

  6. Hmm…well I have met A LOT of people online and they are by and large, mostly crazy. Maybe I’m just a bad judge of character, but my question to you is, should I take out my photo of me and my gay friend on my okcupid profile? I mean, I kinda like that photo of me! And he’s OBVIOUSLY very gay, but if you say so DW!! -Daneka from facebook

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