Most Triumphant Dude Whisperer,
Although the events I am about to share are a couple of months in the past, I still see this dude quite often, and am ever so curious as to what our friendship means to him.
I met this dude in a neighborhood establishment and he is a dreamboat in purest form. His eyes glisten, but his body beneath his clothing I have yet to lay my eyes on. We talked of music and the quirkiness of life; we shared stories and cigarettes; we embarked on child-like adventures – think shadow puppets, dance offs and tree forts. We were nothing more than platonic in our actions. But underneath all of these things we did together there was a thick, thick layer of awkwardness.
There was a week where we saw each other every day – the seven days which have lead me to write you.
During this week he would say things like, “You forgot your left-overs here.” I apologized for leaving my mess in his kitchen and he told me as long as it was my mess he could never care. This dreamboat’s statements are usually ambiguous in their friendliness levels.
So here is where I break it down for you Dude Whisperer:
We had this week. We complimented each other about our respective awesomeness and then whatever possible vibes I thought he may have been throwing my way completely stopped after one particular see-you-later-hug that may have had a hand in a more personal place on my back. I see this dude all of the time, but only when our mutual group hangs or I bump into him and chat for a while in our hood. We are always happy to see each other, always talk about the happenings in our life and contemplate them thoughtfully, but I consistently get the urge to knock down this ever existing wall.
Do I bring this strange week of our past up to him now simply to conclude this confusion I have had? I mean, do dudes get creeped out by these sort of things?
Thanks Dude Whisperer – I think what you do is just extraordinary!
Blinded by the Dreamboat of Ambiguity
Hi there BDA,
Hope you and all the other fantastic readers out there had a fun long weekend full of sunshine and hot BBQ action. The DW went to a Giants game, hung out on the beach, tended to the vegetable garden, and ate so much tandoori chicken that the wifey was starting to get a little concerned about how his next poo might go.
Things the DW did not do this weekend included make shadow puppets, make a tree fort, or tell a gal he was honored to have her leftovers make a mess of his apartment. Your Dreamboat Dude probably didn’t either. See, this simply isn’t the kind of stuff dudes find themselves doing unless they are with a lady they are smitten with and/or would like to introduce to a certain special dingdong. Dreamboat Dude has never said to a dude friend, “Hey, I know we were gonna have some beers and watch Lakers/Nuggets tonight, but I was thinking- why not mix it up a little, right? So, how about we bust out the EZ-Bake and make some cupcakes decorated like jungle animals?”
Nope, that stuff’s just for you and/or your special jungle cupcake of the underpants. The DW, for instance, did participate in a dance-off this weekend, but the rump shakin’ dirty dancin’ butterchurnin’ goodness was only at home, and only with the wifey. And the DW will not be going out of his way to tell his dude friends all about it. In fact, he’s already said far too much. Forget it came up.
Anyway, point is this. Dude is at least a little interested. No way around it unless there are some extenuating circumstances such as ‘he is gay’ or ‘you are such a troll with a third leg and second butt that you are utterly and completely unthreatening’. But something like that isn’t showing up in your letter, so let’s move on.
Next thing you need to understand about dudes is that there is no way in the Wide World of Sports that a dude stopped giving you vibes because of something like the placement of a hand during a hug. Dudes simply do not examine things like hugs or hellos or handshakes or comments or smalltalk in archaeological detail like that. The only thing dude might remember about your hug is how great your boobs felt pressed against his chest or something. So, although The Hug may have been some kind of turning point for you, the DW can say with approximately 912% surety that it was Not the same kind of turning point for Dreamboat.
Anyway, here’s what the DW thinks is going on. Dude just doesn’t know how to go ahead and plop his balls on the table and ask you out or smooch you or however this next step needs to happen. Honestly, the DW’s spidey-sense is saying that, in fact, this dude may feel like he’s not sure he’s getting good vibes back from you. He might be thinking- Hmm. Let’s see. I spend a Lot of time with her. I’m good about calling back and being decent. I do fun stuff she likes to do. I’m behaving myself and not trying to go real fast with physical stuff. I just wish she’d give me something back so I know she’s into me, y’know? Sometimes I practically follow her around like a puppy and I still feel like if I asked her out on a date date it’s 50/50 I get the Heisman.
The DW advice for you, BDA, is to be more direct. Right now you have a big long narrative in your head about Dreamboat Dude and have no idea if one little bit of it is accurate. So move things along and see what’s going on in reality. Try a move like this- the Ask A Dude Out Without Asking A Dude Out. Say, “So, you ever think it’s funny how we’ve spent all this time together, but we’ve never actually gone out on a date? You know, like where you take me out to dinner and we see Angels and Demons and get a late drink and go home and get a serious buttbumpin’ on?”
Okay, so you could stop at “dinner”. Or figure out a better phrasing altogether. But you get the idea. Swing the door open. See if dude will walk through it. Maybe it would be ideal if dude would figure all this out on his own, but that’s not happening so far, so here is where we find ourselves.
One final note: You’re right to ask about whether or not to bring up The Week. As with Hug Hand Placement, it’s highly unlikely the dude would have the same conception of this slightly mythologized period of time. The Week to the dude is not so clearly defined. It just exists as part of a general youhangoutandgetalongreallywell kind of mush. Yes, BDA, in general, if it becomes clear to a dude that you have a much bigger story built around a set of circumstances than he does, it can be a little creepy. Or, at the very least make him feel under some pressure that will cause him to instinctively back away.
Hope this helps. Good luck with the Dreamboat.