Dudefile #57 – Stick to my Guns?

Dear DW,

I read your blog all the time, and love it! I have often wanted to write in, but all of my “dude stuff” has been going really well lately. Last week, though, a situation popped up with a friend dude and I’d like to get your perspective.

I have this friend dude, “Cal”, who decided last year to move in with his then girlfriend. They’d been together 2 months at time of lease signing and about 4-5 months at time of moving in. Now, I should probably also mention that this friend dude bought his girlfriend a cat for her birthday before he moved in with her. Cal hates cats. HATES.

A few months into living with each other, Cal and his gf/roommate broke up. At first, things were fine. Lately, though, it’s gotten worse. Not only are Cal and his ex-gf/roommate fighting regularly, but the cat is driving Cal crazy (peeing on his stuff, etc.) and he wants to get out of the apartment before their lease is up in a few months. Don’t forget, though, Cal BOUGHT the cat. AND signed the 12-month lease.

So, you may wonder what all this has to do with me? Yeah, me, too.

Turns out that Cal’s solution to this problem is for his ex/roommate to move in with me and for my roommate (who he has lived with before, non-romantically) to move in with him. Cal has offered to pay me 200-300 buckaroos for the switch. He believes that this will be best for everyone. He gets to be away from his ex, my roommate lives with someone she’s lived with before, Cal’s ex exits a crappy living situation, but what about me? What do I have to gain? I have to live with someone that I don’t know very well for about 5 months? Gee, yeah, great idea. Oh, and just so you know, I don’t really take bribes or think that the money is incentive at all.

In addition, Cal has lied to both me and his ex about the situation by telling both of us that the other one was excited about the move. He’s trying to convince my friends it’s a good idea. He increases the dollar amount every time I talk to him. I’m just feeling overwhelmed and bombarded.

My personal opinion is that my life shouldn’t have to change because his sucks. He’s an adult. He needs to grow up and deal with this on his own. However, I’m facing a lot of possible fall-out if I don’t agree to the switch.  1) He probably won’t be my friend anymore. 2) My roommate, who is also close to Cal, may have issues staying neutral. 3) I look like a bad guy in his eyes and to whomever will listen to his story. As much as I hate that, I’m willing to stick to my guns on this one. What do you think?

Thanks for any light you can shed,

Not My Problem, or is it?

Hi NMPooi,

So this is how reading your note went down here at the house.

(Reading.) Oh, thanks for the compliments, dollface! Just being a genius. (Reading, reading.) Cal dude feels like trouble. Also, the DW likes cats. (Reading.) Yipes. Cal dude is a trainwreck with mustard and pickles. (Reading, reading.) Oh, Fuck That! Don’t you dare clean up his poopoopants!

And that’s when the Wifey poked her head in from the other room and said, “Did you just say poopoopants? OMG, you have to let me read this one.”

Look, the DW spent an inordinate amount of time this week caught up in Mafia Wars, Season Two of Mad Men, and about 178 straight hours of college basketball, but he didn’t pick up the phone and say, “Hey, NMPooi, since I’ve been busy here on the couch scratching my balls, how ’bout you come on over and give the joint a vacuum. And you know, run the duvet cover through the wash and fix me some dinner while you’re at it.” Uh, nope. Because, you know, that would make him a dick.

And sure, the DW’s had dude friends who will just sorta throw out ridiculous ideas like the apartment switch just for the hell of it or to be funny or whatever. Hey, why not? And that’s fine. Kind of obnoxious, but you just tell the dude to shut the fuck up and it’s over. But this lying to people stuff? The coercion? Seriously, how much of a selfish lazy turd do you have to be when the little cartoon light bulb over your head in this situation says, “I know the way out! Take a crap on my friends! Perfect!”

All this is simply to say- stick to your guns. You’ve got this figured out just fine. There’s a limit to what a friend can reasonably expect from a friend and this cheap bribe/ musical apartments/ duplicitous/ wheredoesthispoorurinatingcatendup bullshit is way too much. Lazy dude friends have bad ideas all the time. If you listen to all of them you’ll end up with a life that looks like Vancouver’s disjointed effed up gothgrunge fake tattoo tapdancers followed by KD Lang singing from a giant mushroom Olympic opening ceremonies. If Cal were to seriously decide that you are no longer friendworthy over this, well, so be it. Whatever, homes. Stay smooth with the ladies, hombre. Smell ya later, poopoopants.

Here’s to a normal apartment life.


the DW

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4 Responses to Dudefile #57 – Stick to my Guns?

  1. Anonymous says:

    This "friendship" is totally one-sided. He's already lied his ass off around town and tried to manipulate you. If you tell him to f*&k off and he stops speaking to you, what are you really losing? Let him clean up his own damn mess. Maybe it'll make him think twice before creating the next one.

  2. Anonymous says:

    If NMPooi's roommate really pushes the issue, then perhaps said roommate should switch places with the ex girlfriend. That way, NMPooi isn't inconvenienced at all, and the likelihood of the switch happening goes to nil.

  3. Wendy says:

    If NMPooi takes the 2nd Anomymous's suggestion, then she has to live with the jerkface. I agree with the first anonymous- this guy is not your friend. You're his. I guarantee he hasn't spent as much time considering this situation as you have. You even wrote the DW about it.

  4. Anonymous says:

    DW, DW.. Where art thou DW?

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