Dear Dude Whisperer,
Please help me!
I’ve been dating “Chuck” for almost four years. I am only 21 and he is 22.
So, my parents bought a weekend home at a nearby lake. My family and I basically go up every weekend. Chuck complains if I ask him to come along. He tells me “it’s stupid and a waste of money and time.” He also refuses to come over to my house, refuses to spend time with my friends, and he refuses to spend holidays with me. He says, “Only married people do holidays together.”
I am trying very hard to get closer, but he flat out told me he doesn’t want to show me more attention. His friends make fun of me and Chuck does not stand up for me. He turns his back on me if we are at a bar together with his friends. He yells at me if I ask him to treat me to a drink. There is only one friend of his that I like- “Mike.”
Mike is 22, graduating soon with a criminal justice degree. We met two years ago and over time we’ve gotten closer. A couple weeks ago, we discussed relationships and he spilled a lot to me. He said he is done with flings and is ready to start a relationship and settle down.
Basically, Mike is everything I want in a boyfriend or potential husband. He is VERY family oriented, loves baseball, volunteers, is catholic…the list can go on.
This past Saturday, Chuck was working, and so was my best friend, so I asked Mike to go to a baseball game with me. We had great conversation and we laughed. He remembered I am going to be an aunt, which I told him back in May, and told me a few names he has picked out once he becomes a dad. I have NEVER met a guy who knows his future children’s names already.
I told Mike about my problems with Chuck, but Mike kept repeating, “You two are gonna get married.” After the game, we got a quick bite to eat, and then drove back to my house. We had a very awkward goodbye. I initiated a hug…then Mike left and went home. I found out he texted Chuck apologizing about going, but Chuck told him he didn’t care.
Now, my co-workers and my sister all think I should be with Mike. He’s my dream guy. But I don’t know how he feels about me. They all tell me break up with Chuck and go for Mike.
I love Chuck, but I’m scared that the only reason I’m with him is because I’m too afraid and because it’s the norm.
I don’t want to be “that girl” that breaks up a friend ship between guys. And I don’t want to look like an ass if I break up with Chuck and go for Mike.
Please, what would you do if you were in my situation? I am just so confused and curious and frustrated.
-Young and Confused
Hi Y and C,
Oh my my my. Where to begin?
How about here. Chuck sounds like a serious cockface. If the DW had ever said something like, “Only married people do holidays together,” or that super precious “waste of money and time” bit when courting the Wifey, she would have dropped his ass before the end of the sentence. And rightly so. Really, what kind of dude thinks it’s a good idea to let his friends make fun of his girlfriend for anything, let alone something as utterly unfunny as having the gall to have a stable relationship with her family? A cockface. That’s what kind.
So, yes. Break up with Chuck. Like yesterday. Two days ago. Last week. Look, you’re clearly over him anyway, so what are you waiting for? More validation from everyone you know? Okay, here’s more from the DW. Do it. Hell, he’s acting like such a turd wrestler he’s practically begging you to dump him. He’s not good enough. You’re not happy. And 9 tenths of the words you just wrote were about Dreamy Mike, anyway.
And ah yes, about Mike- Why would you not take a shot at him? He’s clearly at least a little interested right? Let’s take a look at how we know this.
One- As the DW has said before, dudes do not do things like go to baseball games with women unless they want into their underpants. Granted, you invited him, which makes it easier, but still. If a 22-year-old version of the DW is going to a Giants game, he’s calling up his friend Tom, not a gal he has no interest whatsoever in engaging in a spirited round of Ding Dong Ping Pong.
Two- All that forlorn mopey stuff about you and Chuck definitely getting married is a pretty transparent lament, right? As in, what he’s really trying to say is Please Don’t Marry Chuck! I’m The One At The Ballgame Having A Good Time With You! Meaningful Conversation And A Nice Dude! Isn’t This What Women Want! Please, For The Love Of All That Is Right, Don’t Marry Chuck! Let’s Make Out!
Three- Mike texting Chuck to see if it was okay that he hung out with you betrays a guilty conscience, right? If Mike isn’t thinking about what you’d look like wearing nothing but socks and a smile, why check in with the boyfriend? Checking in is what dudes do when they want to date an ex that a friend is still hung up on or some other such stupid perceived territorial thing. There’s no territory in going to a simple ballgame, right? Not unless Mike wants to bone you from here to next Easter, there’s not.
Anyway, look. This one’s pretty obvious. Everybody you know, from coworkers right on down to the DW, thinks it’s time to make a move. And really, deep down, so do you. Just get on with it. It’s not as big a deal as you think. The DW knows that since you’ve essentially not been single in your adult life, having been with Chuck from ages 17 to 21, this feels like an incredibly naked thing. It’s not. Most of the rest of us don’t manage to string together four years of not accidentally peeing our pants until much older than you are now, let alone any kind of halfway meaningful romantic relationship. You’ll be just fine. Finer than you think. Frankly, the DW suspects the hardest part will be to stomach just how in full stride Mr. Family Is For Suckers Chuckers takes the kick to the curb.
Be brave, Y and C. And best of luck with your shot at Dreamy Mike,