Dudefile #59 – We Can’t Seem to Meet Up

Dear Dude Whisperer,

I recently joined an online dating site and an interesting, high profile man contacted me.  We were making plans to meet up, but got cut by a bad phone connection. He was going to call back, but did not.  It could be he didn’t call because I was sort of annoyed on the phone. I felt like he was trying to get information from me about my job, etc.

The day of our planned meeting I texted and asked if he had forgotten about me. He texted right back to say “not at all”.  I wanted to meet him that night, but he wanted to meet me the next day.  I was disappointed that we couldn’t meet up right away, and he seemed mad that I was rushing him.

I texted him the next day, but he had an excuse about being stuck at home due to workers being there.  He sent one more text update. Then nothing.  Another day later  I texted him a final message to say sorry we didn’t get to meet in person, and best wishes.  He texted back immediately saying he was sick in bed, splitting headache, etc.  After some pleasant exchanges I texted that maybe we could meet up, after all.

Still nothing has happened with us meeting up, but I see that he is online a lot, like six times a day.  I decided to invite him by text to join me and a girlfriend for coffee.  Received no answer. Not really a surprise.  A week after that I sent him a message that we could meet and gave him a couple choices of when and where.  A few days later, he texts “that sounds almost as interesting as you are.”  We exchange more texts, then he calls twice that day, but again, nothing comes of it.

I’m not sure of anything because I haven’t met him in person yet.  Nothing has happened for about two weeks.  He goes online half a dozen times a day. It seems excessive.  I think he also checks to see if I am online as well.  I go online every 2 days or so and only for a brief time.  My pictures are very attractive, and he is an in-demand type of man, high profile and quite successful.  He dates only model types, although he states he wants to have children.

What is your read on this?  First he was rushing me to meet up, then I was rushing him, and then he seems to want to keep a distant holding pattern.  I’m a bit older, and okay with not having kids.  It’s my decision to stay unmarried, as well.  Is he maybe viewing younger women that he can wait to have children with?


Hi there YN,

What’s the DW’s read on this? Well, his first read is that once any letter starts getting too far into the who-texted-who-what-and-then-said-this-and-then-said-the-other-thing the DW gets confused and irritated, like his two year old niece the other day when her mom tried to feed her tuna casserole. (“No more!no more!no more!) So let’s back this up a little and put it in simple dude terms. Strip away all the minutiae and what have you got?

If you look at just the facts, this dude- let’s call him High Profile- is, at best, flakey as shit and, at worst, a seriously titanic poop smudge. Sometimes he calls back, sometimes not. He has an excuse for everything. He flat out didn’t respond or show up when you invited him for coffee. Look, the DW doesn’t really know why a dude acts like such a pain in the ass in these specific ways. What he does know is that if High Profile was truly interested in you and/or your hoohoo based on superhot profile pics, he would have found a way to meet you by now. Dudes delay things like calling relatives or shopping for new socks. They do not delay meeting an openly interested woman and her sweet photogenic titties in person.

It has to be said, though, that the facts would also indicate that you are a bit of a handful yourself. It’s hard for a dude who is making the Post Dating Site Profile Swap Gettin’ To Know Ya Phone Call to hear “I was sort of annoyed on the phone because I felt like he was trying to get information from me about my job” and not be confused as all fuck. That’s what that phone call is for, right? You ask about jobs and family and where you’re from and where/if you went to college. The DW and the Wifey, as many readers already know, met online and those early post-profile conversations were riddled with feeler questions designed to get a sense of Are You Long Term Material and Are You What Your Profile Says and Are You Going To Stuff Me In The Trunk Of A ’72 El Dorado And Drive Me Into The Bay.

Also, while you don’t want High Profile to probe about your job, you do feel entitled to deem the amount of time he spends on the dating site as “excessive.” This belies an assumption on your part that you and High Profile are more intertwined than you are. In fact, you’re not intertwined at all. Neither of you owes the other anything at all except the basic civility you would accord to any stranger you’ve talked to on the phone a couple times. At this point it’s relevant to mention that after the above letter you sent the DW four follow up emails over the next hour and a half to clarify facts and ask further questions. Now, the DW is a genial genius so your many notes to him were not off-putting. If this is how the communication came at High Profile in a dating context, though? Well, that’s the kind of thing that causes a lot of dudes to shrink away like bare balls in Lake Erie.

Here’s the thing, though. None of this speculation really matters, anyway. Here are the most important facts. What you and the High Profile have managed to do so far is periodically disappoint each other and get on each other’s nerves. What you and High Profile have not managed to do so far, in the span of several weeks, is get organized enough to meet face to face. So really, the DW’s most important read of the situation is that you should extract yourself from it. With a tortured beginning like this, why would you even want to see what comes next? There are plenty of other dudes on the ol’ interwebs. Give one of them a howdy-do and move on from this narrative that isn’t really a narrative.

Here’s to keeping it simple. Best,

The DW

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4 Responses to Dudefile #59 – We Can’t Seem to Meet Up

  1. Alex says:

    Both of these people sound highly annoying.
    Also, sounds like that dude is using online dating more as an ego boost than as a tool for getting dates.

  2. Hmm. says:

    “..he is an in-demand type of man, high profile and quite successful. He dates only model types, although he states he wants to have children.”

    Who is this guy? Sounds like Tiger Woods or Jesse James!

  3. jnastychik says:

    Any guy who states in his profile (or in a phone call) that he “dates only model types” is automatically a douche-bag.

  4. Kee says:

    If he is so in-demand, he has yet to find the perfect combination of a flawless non-self-destructive model-looking woman with low enough self-esteem to agree to demand him.

    Or he’s lying to boost his ego, but he can’t meet you because the picture of him is not representative, e.g., it came with the frame, or something to that effect.

    I think DW’s assessment of your note might have been a little unfair, but it’s hard to tell. I would take a statement of “trying to get information about your job” as maybe, as a stranger you met on the internet trying to find out exactly where you work, I would be a little cautious giving out specific information like that, but I don’t know where you work or what you do, or what exactly annoyed you about that line of questioning, it’s otherwise a normal question to get to know you, unless you’re embarrassed about your job or don’t have one.

    I don’t know about meeting you that night as opposed to the next night, you can’t really expect a total stranger to put up with demands like that, and if you match up with someone else, don’t go running off to meet him that night if he insists it has to be tonight, not tomorrow, either. Reeks of desperation, not spontaneity. Cooperate, present yourself as though you’re not 100% available any time, make a date you both agree on. If there’s some resistance on either side to this plan, it’s being demanding or controlling, or it’s working the system so they never have to say they don’t want to meet you because they don’t actually want to, which would hurt your feelings, and then they blow you off, leading you to think you still have a chance and why is he online so much but hasn’t followed through on plans to meet.

    Why did he blow you off? I don’t think it’s your age. I think it’s a combination he’s a douchenozzle and it was obvious from the description, so you shouldn’t be too hurt, but you do come off like he was the last man on earth. The bigger question is why online dating often comes to the point where two people who seem to hit it off can’t quite make the date. Shyness, other offers, reassessment of your character or their willingness to make the effort to look and smell nice to meet a stranger they’re not very excited to meet. You went fishing, you got a bite but he wriggled off the hook, it was nothing like a commitment. Why are guys like that? I’m not a guy, but in this case, it seems like ordinary “the feeling’s not mutual” that you have in any situation. I could seriously see the shoe being on the other foot here, it’s not just a guy thing with a guy answer. But he was a turd. Move on.

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