Hopefully I won’t be too embarrassed and abandon this email altogether. I have a dilemma about what is appropriate for me to do.
I was recently dating a friend who I’ve known forever. It started because we always randomly hooked up and so we decided to attempt a relationship. It didn’t work out.
Now I am interested in another friend who is in our same group. He has dated one of my girlfriends, but is not seeing her anymore. I told him recently I kind of liked him and we have been hanging out since. He does not want to tell anyone about this and, frankly, neither do I because I think we would lose some friends over it.
He also said we should take things slow. I agree because I always jump into things but I have never had a guy say that before. Does it mean he’s not that interested? If he says go slow what does that mean? I shouldn’t text or call?
Also the other night we were messing around and he said we should wait to have sex. I have never even heard of a guy saying that before. And I know from being friends with him that he likes to have sex often.
I am also wondering if it is better to be honest with everyone about seeing him or just keep it under wraps? Lying never helps anything, but maybe this just could not be mentioned? Also I kind of have this track record of jumping ship only to get on another one and the past 3 have all been within our group of friends. I’m not white trash, though. I promise. I just have characters as friends.
Hi there VWB,
Good lord, honeypie, don’t be embarrassed! Everybody needs the DW sometimes. Glad you hit “Send”.
Dudes are told over and over that they are too aggressive, that all they care about is El Vagino, that they could stand to talk more and ogle less- and those generalizations and criticisms are sometimes well earned, as evidenced by the fact that you’ve never heard of the opposite happening. Even so, one thing that can make a dude horribly confused / a little batshit crazy is not letting him be nice.
Say a dude opens a door for you, or is extra sweet to your mother, or says you should take it slow and wait to have sex. If you meet that action with suspicion, he’s going to feel super duper extra unmotivated to repeat the behavior. Look, the DW’s not suggesting you have to throw a party and alert the Huffington Post every time the dude is a skosh better than Tool Academy. And sure, a lot of times when dudes do Things Women Want they’re a little clumsy and maybe only accomplishing 27-84% of what the woman actually does want. Sooner or later, though, if you don’t let a dude be nice he’s gonna draw the conclusion that he might as well be one of those football jock pussy hounds who openly treats women like crap and somehow finds himself behind the gym up to his balls in a cheerleader every weekend, anyway. Or, you know, at the very least he’s gonna get bored and find a gal who will accept his hand holding and sweetness and enjoy it for what it is- a devious ploy to convince her to try a threeway. I mean, just plain old unmitigated sweetness.
And the DW does think this dude’s just trying to be nice. If your special lady place is understood to be available and this guy, who we know is sexually ready and willing, says wait, there are really only two likely reasons. A) Some variation on Nice, Reasonable, Not Wanting to Get Ahead of Things, and B) Some variation on Really Not Attracted to You and Trying to Figure Out How to Get Out the Door Without Laying Tire Marks on The Carpet. Unless you’ve wildly misread this dude, we can pretty much rule out B), right?
Just let the dude be nice. Or, if you would like to speed things up a little, just tell him it’s Go Time in Downtown Zipperville and the DW bets he produces a boner on the spot. Or, best of all, ask him what “going slow” means. It’s not like that’s a phrase like “terminal velocity” that has a scientific definition and can be universally understood. And it’s not like he’s some North American Kim Jong Il that you have to approach with scores of diplomats and elaborate protocols. He’s that cute friend who puts his tongue in your mouth. You’ve seen his balls, he’s seen your boobies. If you can do that, you can have a little chat.
As for the secrecy? Others may have a taste for intrigue, the DW far prefers boring old honesty and accountability in relationships. And realistically, you’re going to get outed at some point, anyway, especially running with such a tight group. Better to own your hot ex on ex action right up front, deal with some hurt feelings, if there are any, and move on. You get busted after sneaking around for six months and you’ve made yourself look ashamed and guilty to a degree that just isn’t necessary and is not going to be well received. If you were just doing some fuckbuddy thing, maybe you could cover up a backseat boning here and there, but that doesn’t sound like what you’re talking about.
As a final thought, despite whatever reasons you have for staying within the group for your dudes, the DW strongly suggests you get out of it for your next dating experience. There are all too many other “characters” out there, trust the DW on this one. The DW lives five doors down from a freelance clown. Someone left a human poop in the nasturtiums out front four days ago, which is really gonna bum out the kids who stash weed in there sometimes.
Seriously, though, everyone understands the allure of the safe and the known, but in the same way it’s good to take a plane to Mongolia, go seven states away for college, switch jobs when you hit a plateau, and try every new food and drink you can get your face around, it’s good to sample dating pools, too. Getting out there may feel overwhelming at first, but statistically speaking, it’s pretty likely there’s a more awesome dude out there in the world of a few billion than there is in a pool of seven dudes your friends have already blown. I mean dated.
Here’s to niceness and new horizons.