Dudefile #62 – Alligator Balls

Hey DW,

So, I hooked up with this dude and he totally had alligator balls!

What’s up with that?




Good times! The DW is dying to know where you met this dude. Please say the zoo. Or the Everglades.

Unfortunately, though, the DW isn’t familiar with the term “alligator balls.” So, he’ll have to throw out a few possibilities for you.

If “alligator balls” is another way of saying “swamp nuts,” well, the DW supposes you could try to talk the dude into shower sex or something. Maybe he wore jeans on a day meant for shorts. Maybe he just ran 12 blocks to catch a train. Maybe his balls are just predisposed to sticky perspiration because of unlucky ballsweat genetics. What can the DW say, when you hook up with a random dude, it’s a game of roulette with the cock size, ass hair, and the sweatiness of the nuts.

If “alligator balls” is a way of saying they were ugly, the DW’s got some bad news for you. There are no beautiful balls. You have just embarked on a ball journey that will include only varying degrees of unsightliness.

If you meant “alligator balls” as a way of saying leathery and wrinkly, see above.

If “alligator balls” means they were green, see a physician immediately. Either that, or don’t get so drunk you fuck The Hulk next time. That dude’s unpredictable as shit.

If “alligator balls” means tough, as in you accidentally kneed him and he just smiled, unaffected, like a James Bond villain, um, the DW has no idea what to tell you because that shit seriously hurts.

Someone on Twitter suggested to the DW that “alligator balls” might mean daring. As in, “You may or may not consider half pipe a sport, but at the very least you have to admit that Shaun White has alligator balls.” If this dude’s daring led to some kind of fun activity you’d never thought of, great! Alligator balls! If it was the kind of daring that creeped you out, hope you got the fuck out of there.

Of course, it could be that with “alligator balls” you were just commenting on the size of the dude’s nuts, but the DW has to admit he has no idea if an alligator’s balls are big or small. Maybe next time, for clarity, you could use a different comparison animal. Rhino, perhaps. Or hamster.

Any other thoughts, readers? Has this come up before with anyone?

Anyway, ABC, here’s to pleasant balls next time.


The DW

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6 Responses to Dudefile #62 – Alligator Balls

  1. Alex says:

    I’m feeling the need to put myself in mysterious/perilous/heart-wrenching dating situations just so I can provide the DW with some better questions.

  2. Jenn says:

    I Love the DWs ideas here…but I was really curious myself, so I HAD to do some googling on this one…mostly what came up were recipes….maybe they were out to dinner? I also scoured the Urban Dictionary, and this is the only thing that might even possibly be related – ….perhaps the Dude had on really tight pants?

    “Alligator Eyes”
    A male version of a camel toe. Similar to melvin but more descriptive in nature. Looks like the testicles of the subject are, in fact alligator eyes due to their opposite position from each other.
    I can’t believe I just put on my grandma’s old ski suit – it is so tight fitting that it gave me ALLIGATOR EYES, check them out!

  3. Lali says:

    For the record, alligators lack external genitalia (as do all reptiles). They have a cloaca. You’re welcome.

  4. Mosep says:

    I know about what I call “Armadillo Balls”, where your scrote is so contracted and tight that it’s like walking around with a baseball between your legs–highly uncomfortable.
    Balls gone into full armor mode are no fun.
    In contrast to the leisurely, droopy ease of a warm day– delightful.

    And btw, Camel Toe for dudes is know as “Moose Knuckle”

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