Dudefile #63 – The Fuckbuddy Two-Step

Hey DW,

So I met this guy about same time last year through mutual friends. He had had me cracking up. I like people who can make me laugh. After a few weeks I casually told him we should hang out.  He replied “Yes…we should,” with that look in his eye. So I’m thinking uh-oh, he wants to fuck…

We hung out, went bar hopping. Good times. End of the night he was like, “Let me be real. I’m really horny,” and I was like, “Fabulous, so am I!”

We proceed to his house. Before we got started I asked him, “Are you going to get weird and not call me, cuz this doesn’t have to be weird.” He said no, and then we had AWESOME sex.

After that we would call each other up, watch movies or TV, talk, cuddle, and well, have awesome sex. Great setup! Then for a few months I didn’t really hear from him, not a big deal.

Come January 2010. We start hooking up again. One night when I went over, his cellphone was blowing up, and I’m like, “What is going on?” He tells me that he recently broke up with his girlfriend and she won’t leave him alone.

For a second I thought maybe I should care about when he got/how long had he had a girlfriend but I honestly didn’t. I just told him, “Well, that’s your ex, and you’re with me. Please turn off your phone.” He swiftly did so and we proceeded with our little setup again.

Between then and June he started acting differently- more cuddly, more affectionate, disgustingly cute nicknames, more inquisitive about my life, more compliments, etc. Then we don’t see each other for about a month because of life changes and what not. When we hooked back up again, it was different…like there’s a difference between just having sex, and relationship type sex. It felt like relationship sex.

Then he started sending texts like, “Just want to wish you a good night,” which he’s never done, and doing little subtle other things that made me think he wanted something more. So, I’m like, okay I’ll bite. I’m down to see if this can turn into something else. I proceed to mimic him, occasionally sending him a, “Just saying hey,” text. And being a little more affectionate during sex.

Then one night he TOTALLY freaks out. The last time we had sex I leaned in to kiss him and he wouldn’t let me. Which was so weird, because before that month of not seeing each other, kissing wasn’t even a second thought.  I was shocked. It wasn’t like he had a cold sore or anything. Then he asked me, “Why do you want to kiss me now!?” and I was like, “What’s changed?” and he didn’t answer.

After that, when we were around each other he virtually ignored me around acquaintances, which was hurtful. I called him out on it, but he denied it. Then he still called to invite me over, but would change his mind 3 times in a row.

I’ve finally had it, and I wanted to ask him what his deal was, but now, of course, he’s M.I.A. What is going through his head?!?! Does he like me? Is he bi-polar? So confused!!! HEEELP! I need to know if I should call him out, or just be on to the next.

Help!

OMGWTF

 

Hi there OMGWTF,

At their wedding, when it came time to do the Bride and Groom First Dance Thing, the DW and the Wifey started out almost managing to pull off this simple waltz they had briefly practiced. Then about four measures into Al Green the DW stepped on the Wifey’s foot, lost concentration, and reverted to the Prom-Style Clutch Tightly and Slowly Rotate in a Circle approach that was really all he was meant to attempt, anyway.

The DW brings this up, because it looks like what you’ve got here is another kind of dance that can quickly go awry, one the DW likes to call the Fuckbuddy Two-Step.

Step One- Dude’s got an excellent no-commitment boner jam going on. He can be there for a while, then not there, then there again. The gal is totally up for the arrangement. No deceit or misunderstandings, just awesome sweaty spanky late night headboard grabbing. Perfect.

Step Two- Somebody gets too attached and cuddly and relationship-y and the whole thing folds like a K-Mart lawn chair. Somebody freaks. End of perfection. Run away!

Thing is, while it’s usually pretty clear about who the cuddler is in Step Two, in this case you and this dude both think it was the other. You thought dude was the one who packed up his shit and moved from Fuckinfuck Road to Sweet Love Lane. Meanwhile, because of your mimicking, he thinks he had his Casual Sex contract sneakily broken and reacts in a way that, to him, is justified and, to you, is like a fucking crazyperson on Olympic sprinter grade steroids.

In some ways, you probably misread his nicer behavior, although not without reason. A lot of what he’s doing certainly sounds suspiciously boyfriendish. But it can be hard to tell what’s boyfriendish and what’s familiarity sometimes in the fuckbuddy dance. You can end up in all kinds of personal conversations and half hugs and snuggles due to sheer amount of time spent alone together and the implied intimacy that comes with half sweaty post-coital ice cream on the couch in front of Conan. Also, sometimes dudes can’t believe that women actually want the same simplicity they want in a fuckbuddy situation, so they start, either naturally or consciously, doing boyfriendish things because they think the lady probably needs a little of that to stay around and stay interested in the fucking part. Not saying they’re right, just that it happens.

So, if the question is can you downshift back into fuckbuddy gear, the DW might normally say it’s worth a shot. You seem to be honestly emotionally fine with that kind of arrangement. Dude’s boner is certainly up for it. The DW would normally say something like, “Just have a straightforward talk with the dude, tell him No Harm No Foul, simple misunderstanding, let’s knock one out right now, Hoss,” and see if things can fall back to form after that.

But the DW would suggest, in this case, that you find a new Dirty Dancin’ partner. And the reason is the dude’s behavior. For instance, the not kissing thing he did could be fun in a different context as a little sexytime game of teasing and withholding or whatever, but the way he did it is just kind of dehumanizing. Just because you are fucking without commitment doesn’t mean you’re some kind of faceless vaginamachine. And the back and forth of not talking to you, but then booty calling, but then changing his mind again, just seems like a little too much drama from a dude if all that was wrong was some toe trodding in the Fuckbuddy Two-Step. Maybe he’s still confused about his feelings for the ex you mentioned, or his feelings for you, or something else you have no idea about. Whatever else is on his mind, though, it’s pushing him to be a little more trouble than some cock on the side is worth.

Hey, it was fun while it lasted, but the DW thinks you should, as you suggest, “just be on to the next”.

Here’s to the next!

Best,

The DW

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2 Responses to Dudefile #63 – The Fuckbuddy Two-Step

  1. The Wifey says:

    hey, wasn’t the whole deal with julia roberts in “pretty woman” that she would have sex with guys for money, but she wouldn’t kiss them on the mouth because that implied some kind of intimacy? so when she finally kissed richard gere it was cementing their love on an emotional level?

  2. FBuddyfan says:

    I agree, this is WAY too much drama for a fuck buddy situation. I’ve ended arrangements over less than this. And what’s with the not kissing?? Half the fun is the foreplay, including kissing. Does NOT mean you’re headed to the altar. Anyone I’ve had to talk into kissing and foreplay has never lasted long as a bed pal. It’s just too much work to get my basic needs met. My current guy is totally affectionate when we’re together, he’s naturally that way but he also knows he isn’t going to have an on-going thing unless I get a good dose of that. I’ve made that clear. It just comes with the “navigating a female body” territory.

    If your dude was willing to talk about it this might be salvageable but he keeps doing this duck, cover and run thing. Not a lot you can do with that. I’d say move on.

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