Dudefile #64 – The “Tail” of Dog Boy and Slut Puppy

Dear DW,

Last January eHarmony matched me with a dude whose answers were interesting and challenging. We went out to dinner and had a very nice time.  I invited him in when he took me home, opened a bottle of dessert wine, and, well, we got smashed.  At 2:00 a.m. he fell asleep on my dog’s bed. Yellow lab, for the record.

I didn’t know what to do, so I got a magazine and read for about 1/2 hour to let him have a nap, then I knelt down and kissed him to wake him up and tell him to go home.  Well, that woke him up for sure and we proceeded to spend the rest of the night going at it on the dog bed.  Yep, I had hot sex with a guy on the damn dog bed.  Because I liked him I knew this was a really stupid thing to do, but I did it anyway.

I didn’t hear from him until a couple of weeks later. He emailed me to say that he didn’t like what had happened that night after dinner and, under the circumstances, he wanted to communicate only by email (i.e., no dates, etc.) for the time being.  I told him, “Thanks, but no thanks.”  Ironically, I didn’t much like being treated like the Slut Puppy I appeared to be.  We didn’t communicate after that.  I thought the whole thing was pretty funny, but he was apparently distressed about it.

Fast forward to April.  I’m at a sidewalk cafe with a friend and here comes Dog Boy.  I say hello, he stops and talks and appears genuinely happy to see me.  Over the next several months we run into each other, we chat, sometimes have lunch together.

After another month of emailing while I was out of town, I went way out of my comfort zone and asked him out for dinner last weekend.  Again, a nice dinner, real conversation, good rapport, mutual sharing of life stories, etc.  We came back to my house again, had dessert wine again, but no physical contact whatsoever.  I got a dry, quick peck on the lips and long, strange hug at the end of the evening.  He asked me if I was seeing anyone, said he was glad we reconnected, and asked me if I’d go out with him again.  He’s not seeing anyone.  He emailed me 15 minutes after leaving saying he had a great time.  He emailed me again the next day saying the same.

In subsequent emails he has said several times that, “I can’t wait to see you again.”  I finally responded, “If you can’t wait to see me again, why not ask me to do something fun?” Because he was headed out of town and I was busy at work, we only had a chance to get together for coffee yesterday.

So, what’s going on with this guy? On the one hand he acts very familiar and, frankly, gives me way too much info about his life when we talk. On the other, he doesn’t go out of his way to ask me out or show interest other than a few nicely worded emails.  He’s never called me on the telephone.  I’m not sure I’ll hear from him when he gets back next week.

Another part of the puzzle:  Dog Boy and I are both 47-years-old.  I have a five-year-old child.  I’m a widow; my husband died of cancer five years ago.  Needless to say, I don’t get much action these days and I really miss it.  I like this guy which is a pretty big deal for me: he’s a committed dad (he’s divorced), is smart, hard-working, respectful, and interesting.  We share a lot of the same values from what I can tell.

But I’ve been through a lot over the past few years and I’m really uncomfortable with the uncertainty caused by his lukewarm approach and tepid responses….and the bevy of women (platonic or not, I don’t know) that he surrounds himself with.  For example, he shares a house with a female (divorced) roommate and they each take their kids to his ex-wife’s house for dinner on Friday nights.  We had a long talk over dinner about the feasibility of platonic relationships between straight, unattached men and women.  (I was skeptical; he is not).  And, no, he said specifically that he is not interested in having a platonic relationship with me.

Tell me DW, should I protect myself and blow this guy off, wait and see what happens and try to manage my fear of the uncertainty, or tell him that I’d like to know more about whether he’s interested in me or not?

Like several of the other women on this blog, I am limited by my indoctrination in The Rules where women are certainly not supposed to pursue the guy.  But a man who is interested in a woman doesn’t usually just sit around with his thumb up his butt either.  Maybe the dog bed incident tainted the whole thing too much from the outset.  What gives?

Thanks,
Slut Puppy

 

Hi Slut Puppy,

First of all, good for you for thinking this doggy style incident was a hoot. Because it sure as hell was. It always seems like such a shame to the DW when people can’t find the humor in stuff like weird sex locales, having the semen end up somewhere impossible, getting a pant leg hung up on the gear shift, pulling a muscle in the middle of trying to make a Sexy Face, getting stared down by the other person’s pet while you’re trying to finish, etc. etc. (Speaking of, where was the yellow lab whose bed you usurped?) We all have these things happen, and everyone but the DW and Don Draper looks fucking ridiculous when they’re buck naked and humpin’, so might as well get a kick out of it.

Which, actually, is the thing that most says Dog Boy isn’t for you. Not that someone isn’t allowed to be freaked out by dog bed sex. They are, even if it makes them a person the DW wouldn’t particularly want to hang out with. It’s more that this dude’s freaked out, lock it down, We Can Only Talk As If Through the Grate of a Confessional reaction is so opposite of your amusement that it just seems like a sensibility gap you would be battling over and over and over.

And as much as Dog Boy sounds worthy of your interest in terms of hard-working and reliable and those sorts of upstanding things you mention, he also sounds like he’s one of those dudes whose pants never fit exactly right and who clears his throat excessively and has a unorthodox gait and depending on what mood you’re in you’d describe him as anywhere from “odd duck” to “cold fish” to “socially fucking inept.” It’s a little weird that he collects female friends. And as much as it’s admirable, in a way, to have a standing dinner night with his ex, presumably “for the sake of the kids,” the DW is with you that even that seems weirdly weird.

Anyway, the DW doesn’t mean to pick on poor skiddish, robotic, pent-up Dog Boy. He seems like he’s probably a well-intentioned fella. Just not your type. You seem a lot more comfortable in your own skin, comfortable with other people, able to see the humor in gettin’ biz-zay all Petco style. Honestly, the DW was really hoping to be able to encourage you to keep seeing this guy and push yourself to keep really putting yourself out there into the land of dating and hot naughty action and potentially a serious relationship and trusting that whatever happens will be okay. It’s hard enough for most people to put themselves out there after a simple breakup or a long dry spell or just because it’s fucking hard without any extenuating circumstances, let alone to do it after losing the one you love.

But it’s probably best you keep trying to find your action with someone else. If a dude makes you use the word “uncomfortable” this early, it’s unlikely the word won’t come up again and over and over. One day, 43 weeks from now, you’ll look up and realize you’ve been talking yourself into making this dude fit your puzzle waaay better than he actually does just because it feels So Fucking Normal to have a steady thing going again and after what you’ve been through normality feels like the finest of luxuries and the biggest of reliefs.

Maybe look at Dog Boy as someone who came along to help you take on big step forward back into the dating pool. There are other dudes who will be interested if you keep wading forward. Those new dudes won’t be tepid and keep you at arms length and never call on the phone. (He’s never called on the phone? Really? Dude!) And you can bet your ass that, unlike Dog Boy, they will absolutely find the “Tail” of a dog bone every bit as strangely charming and amusing as you and me.

Here’s to finding someone better to hump your leg.

Best of luck,

the DW

 

 

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3 Responses to Dudefile #64 – The “Tail” of Dog Boy and Slut Puppy

  1. dudefan says:

    Brilliant yet again DW! I like the uptake: “Maybe look at Dog Boy as someone who came along to help you take on big step forward back into the dating pool.”

    Call it a “guide dog.”

    • whiskey says:

      Boy, have I ever learned that one….if someone starts making you feel uncomfortable so early on, it’s a deadly mistake to convince yourself otherwise.
      Don’t do it Slut Puppy, that guy is UPtight in ways you don’t want to explore, especially when just throwing yourself back in the dating pool.

  2. Bobo says:

    A red flag that may have been overlooked – dessert wine. Time to upgrade the liquor stock, for entertaining.

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