Dear Dude Whisperer,
I would be very interested in reading your “Holiday Wish List for Dudes”. Particularly – the things ladies never think of.
Hi Mystery Shopper,
Instead of focusing on the gifts themselves, though, the DW is going to offer some guidelines for making a wise holiday gift choice of your own. Even though dudes are simple, specific gift ideas are tough. One dude’s Call of Duty 87: An Ad Campaign of Questionable Taste is another dude’s two volume biography of Lincoln’s dogs. Unless you can afford a C-Explorer 5 or a jetpack, the only truly universal dude gifts, the best you can do is proceed with a solid strategy. Here are some tips for How to Buy a Dude a Good Holiday Gift.
Tip #1- Don’t get gifts that are Holiday themed. Anything with a snowman or an elf on it is clutter to a dude. Total dead weight and a storage space eater for 11 ½ months of the year. Don’t do it!
Tip #2- Don’t get clothes. You’re probably not going to pick the right ones and even if you do, no dude wants to be dressed by his gal. Dudes get used to the idea of compromising/ceding many things in a relationship regarding aesthetics (See: The DW’s Drapes, Autumn Leaf Pattern), but please leave a dude his pants.
Tip #3- Ask a close dude friend of his for help. This goes for all dudes, even your dad. As well as your mom knows your dad, the DW bets his golf buddy has an idea or two your mom would never come up with.
Tip #4- Don’t be afraid to get him something you won’t be a part of. An example- if you get your dude a pair of tickets to his alma mater’s homecoming football game next fall and tell him to take his college buddy instead of you, you’ve done several things well. You’ve given him something he actually wants. You’ve given him license to have a good dude time without having to wonder if you secretly wish he was doing something with you. You’ve gotten double bang for your buck because he’ll be as excited as Christmas all over again when he gets to use your gift next October. You’ve saved yourself the pain in the ass of having to go to some asinine football game with that college friend of his who’s going to drink too much and hit on 19-year-old coeds. You’ve made it nigh impossible for your dude’s friends to secretly talk shit about you for a very, very long time because that is one seriously solid fucking gift.
Trust the DW, it will Not be lost on the dude that you gave him exactly what he wanted, even though it meant excluding yourself. Best present the DW ever got? One bleacher ticket to Game 2 of this year’s World Series from the Wifey.
Tip #5- To continue the theme of Tip #4, Get him an experience rather than an object. The DW, like most dudes, can’t remember what anyone got him for Christmas last year. Or, for that matter, what he got anyone else. But he can tell you all about the concert the DW bro took him to for his birthday nine years ago. And he’ll be talking about that World Series game the Wifey sent him to for the rest of his life. The DW got several tweets and an FB note this week to back this idea up. Concert tickets, sporting events, skydiving, whatever. Events= big positive impression. Action!
Tip #6- Don’t overthink it. As reader Anne says on the DW’s Facebook page, “I have found that sexual favors are usually the most well received Dude present.” Amen, sister. Chances are, something related to fucking will work just fine. Not the most original idea, but dudes like what they like and this present is for him, after all. He’s not out at the mall getting you flowers and lotions because he simply can’t get enough lavender and rosemary in his life. He’s doing it because those are the things you desire.
Tip #7- Just get the handcart already. From what may, at first glance, seem to be on the opposite end of the sexy scale from Tip #6, Patricia wrote on the DW’s Facebook page, “Gave a dude a folding handcart/dolly- which went down well.” But you know what? There’s something pretty sexy about knowing your dude well enough to nail a gift with a goddam handcart. You can do it! You can think of something he needs! Forget what people tell you a gift “should be”. What would he actually use every day if you gave it to him? What is your dude’s handcart?
Tip #7- Ask him what he wants. Tip #6 more of a pain in the ass than a help? Dudes don’t care about surprises. They care about results. Gift You Want + No Surprise is way better than Gift You Don’t Want + Fanfare And Intrigue. Every time. Plus, if you purchase a direct suggestion as a gift you can still add a little surprise, if you must, by getting an extra accessory or add-on or companion piece for the thing he requested.
Tip #8- Relax and have fun with it. Honestly, a dude cares way more about coming out the other end of the Holiday gauntlet with your relationship intact than he does about the shit you wrap in candlestick themed paper for each other. Most dudes are inept at gift-giving and dislike the sense of obligation and the shopping involved, so their expectations of what they receive in return are pretty low pressure. Short of warm poop on a platter, there’s not much you could get a dude for the holidays that would deeply disappoint. Do the best you can with the shopping, sure, but don’t freak out over it. Save your energy for the important holiday stuff like knocking back a couple nogs with the dude, watching stupid TV marathons, and boning your stockings off.
Here’s to enthusiastic giving and receiving. Best,