Dudefile #72 – The Candy Cane

Hey DW,

I’ve got a situation I bet you haven’t heard before. My dude wants to put a candy cane in my butt. He says it would be a great Christmas present. For reference, it’s one of those, you know, straight fat ones, not one of the little curved ones.

Um, is this okay?

Talk to me dude,

Santa’s Little Helper

 

Hi SLH,

Now that’s a holiday question. Gift ideas, pshaw! Let’s get down to candy cane dildos!

So, the way the DW sees it, there are actually two ways the question, “Is this okay?” needs to be addressed here- theoretically and practically.

First, theoretically. Regarding the general idea of whether or not a candy cane, a butt plug, a dingdong, or anything else should go hide between the hams, “Is this okay?” is a question only you can answer. Not the DW, not your dude, you. If you get pleasure from a backdoor stocking stuffer, or are willing to grin and bear it to see your dude get a special holiday boner, hey, knock yourself out. Your efforts will be greatly appreciated and your dude would be a serious asshole, pardon the pun, not to go a pretty long way to reciprocate in some manner. If you don’t like a little In Through The Out Door, you’re under no obligation. The DW is gonna go way out on a limb and call it a basic human right not to have something literally shoved up your ass against your will.

Now, “Is this okay?” as a practical matter. First thing to consider when placing a giant candy cane where the sun don’t shine is how gnarly that shrink wrap seam would be. You think hospital grade toilet paper sucks? Try some bunched up raspy plastic on your bum. But, if you unwrap that big minty stuntcock all of a sudden you’re talking about the possibility of chips and notches which doesn’t exactly sound like an ass picnic either. And is it just the DW or does it seem like the stickiness would kind of be a problematic anti-lube?

The consideration, though, that really leads the DW to recommend you don’t, in the end, use a fatstyle candy cane as an anal toy is this- it could break off. Likely? Perhaps not. But on the other hand, do you really want to be one loud noise, clench, and torque sequence away from taking The Most Hi-Larious ER X-ray Of The Year? Consider taking a trip to Good Vibrations and getting some recs for something like this professionally made substitute.

May you and your tush have a happy and healthy holiday season.

Best,

The DW

 

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5 Responses to Dudefile #72 – The Candy Cane

  1. Ruby says:

    This post is the best Christmas gift ever! Hilarious!!

    Two questions:

    1. If the candy cane stick breaks off, can’t she just poop it out?
    2. Is he going to EAT the candy cane from her butt? Because I think that would give him worms..

    • Thanks! A couple thoughts…

      1. Ask any ER doc. All kinds of things go on in, but don’t get pooped out. Although you’re right, it might depend on the size and the angle of the broken bit.
      2. If worms happened every time a mouth met a butt, the Earth would be consumed with worms. But yes again, it is possible. You’ll want to find a better authority on the ins and outs, as it were, than the DW, but here’s an amusingly straightlaced link to start with that confirms risk of wormage… http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/menshealth/facts/infectionoralsex.htm

  2. Pingback: Dudefile #73 – Why Won’t He Accept My Gifts? | The Dude Whisperer

  3. Hahaha says:

    Hahaha! This was seriously the funniest blog post I’ve read! Keep it up DW!!! Is there a way to repost this genius on facebook? My friends would love it.

    • Glad you enjoyed the minty goodness. You can have your friends “like” the DW page on Facebook right from the front page of this blog and they’ll see updates when new posts are up. And by all means, post the link to this site all over the FB land and beyond. Bring those friends on by, fair reader!

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