Dear Dude Whisperer,
I need help with my dad. Every time I give him a ride somewhere, which is often, he farts up my car. And these aren’t little innocent kid farts. These are the kind of deep dark old man farts that follow you around and haunt your soul. Seriously, I think he’s starting to ruin my car seats. The smell never goes away- rotten eggs and burning ass hair is now the background smell of my commute. I’ve started putting valuables and work items in the trunk rather than expose them to the funk. I have driven with the windows down in the snow for the whole last week just to try to air the toxic scents out of my car. Get the picture? It’s fucking horrible.
I’ve asked him to stop, but he only laughs and lifts his leg to crank another. I’ve yelled at him and smacked him on the arm, always to no avail. Once he said something to the effect of, “It’s a guy thing.”
I have so many questions. What is it with dudes and farting? Why do you love it so much? Does it not smell bad to you? Do you just run around all day farting on each other? Why is it so god damned funny to you? Seriously, WTF!? But most importantly- Is there anything that can be done to make you stop?
I’ve been meaning to get a new car, but I don’t want my dad to ruin it with his butthole. This can’t be sane behavior, on my part or his.
Help me, DW. My dad is KILLING ME!
Hi Nose Pincher,
The sad truth of it is, even though this is all very gross and your dad should probably know better than to tease you so much that he’s destroying the resale value of your hatchback or whatever, the DW wants to give your dad a high-five. You’re putting stuff in the trunk? Good lord. Those are some fart skills.
Because, yes. To most dudes, farts are awesome and they are funny. And yes, farts smell bad to dudes, but that’s just more reason for why they are awesome and funny. Ask a dude why farts are great and he’ll likely ask you to explain why they’re not. It’s like god. Either you believe or you don’t and good luck explaining it to the other side.
Really, you should be glad, in a way, that your dad is treating you like this. It’s a sign of trust and friendship, no matter how much it seems like the opposite when you are in the moment, unwillingly drinking in the ripe smell of poop. But trust the DW on this one. If a bunch of dudes are running around a dorm half drunk, punching each other, and farting on each other’s heads, they like each other. This farting up the car thing is something your dad might do with an old Army buddy. It implies intimacy in a very particular, affectionate dude way. You’ve been invited to Fart Club. It’s supposed to be fun.
However, since the word you chose wasn’t “fun,” it was “horrible,” let’s get to the part about how to get this reign of terror to cease.
First, do not fight ass fire with fire. Upping the ante by retaliating with your own farts or a practical joke will just inspire shit stinks from your father you can’t imagine. You’re not cut out for warring on his terms. You will lose. Casualties will be heavy.
Second, take a dump on his games like he takes a dump on your car. Suck the fun out of it. Hard as it might be when it feels like you’re driving to work inside a giant pair of your dad’s skidmarked underpants, remain stoic. Part of what makes bombing your car so fun for your dad is your horrified reactions. You pinching your nose is kinda fun, but you yelling and slapping him and hanging your head out the window is super fun. If you don’t make a big deal of it, you deprive him of giddily measuring one atrocity versus another. What he really wants is to see if one day he can come up with a fart so down and dirty that you have to pull over and get out on the side of the freeway. Remove his goals. Act like the whole thing is tired and boring.
Third, since the first two will likely yield few results, you’re going to have to put your foot down in a way that involves actual consequences. Tell him if he farts up your car, no ride next time. What’s going to happen is he’ll say, “Okay. You’re right. It’s been a bit much lately. I’ll stop, I’ll stop.” Then he’s going to wait a beat and unleash hellfire. Because that would be pretty fucking funny. Stick to your guns. Enforce the one ride ban. Unless you’re giving him rides to dialysis or something, you don’t have to concern yourself with how or if he can replace the ride he forfeited. And if he comes back after the one ride suspension guns a blazin’, which he probably will because that would be pretty fucking funny, too, don’t pitch a fit, just deny him again. Eventually, it will be a pain in the ass enough that he’ll stop farting up your car. Or at least restrict it to special occasions.
Best of luck. You can’t hear it or smell it where you are, but the DW just eked out a little toot of support.
Here’s to car shopping in your future.