Dudefile #79 – The Sleeper

Dear Dude,

I’m an early riser. Like, really early. Like, sometimes 5:30 on the weekends. Doesn’t really matter what time I went to bed. Obviously, no one I ever date gets up this early. This past Saturday, I woke up at 6:30 and laid in bed for THREE hours until my man woke up. I know that 9:30 is a reasonable weekend waking up time and I’m the unreasonable one, but I can only fuck around on the internet on my phone for so long. Man wakes up, we get it on, we are doing some post-getting-it-on snuggling and he says something to the effect of, “I could just lay here like this all day.” My response, without thinking was, “I can’t. I need to get out of bed. I’m so antsy.” I mean, I’d been there for THREE HOURS!!! If I’d thought a second about how that all sounded, I wouldn’t have said it. But I would have thought it.

My question is, can I get out of bed while he’s still sleeping and do stuff? Maybe make sure to at least be home when I think he’s going to wake up so he can call my name and I can sneak back into bed? Is this disappointing for guys?

Please don’t suggest that I work on sleeping in because I’ve been trying to for at least 15 years and it won’t work!

Early Bird


Hi Early Bird,

OMG, the DW is having flashbacks to when the Wifey’s parents visited. Three times zones difference + senior citizens + type A-plus = pans and sinks and toilets and phone calls at the buttcrack of dawn.

“Who taught them how to download a “Country Roads” ringtone?” the Wifey groaned as she wrapped a pillow over her head. “Who? Whyyyyy?”

Every night when the parents were winding down for bed at 8:30 Team DW would try to invent a vital family gossip or financial investment conversation just so they would stay up awhile and, maybe, just maybe, sleep all the way through til the sun came up.

But here’s the thing. The Wifey’s parents are never going to sleep in until noon and neither are you. Best to accept the facts and go from there.

The DW and The Wifey have a related issue in that she is a napper and a lounger and the DW is decidedly not. Like you, Early Bird, if the DW felt obligated to take a nap whenever the Wifey did, or even sit still on the couch for an hour in the middle of a perfectly nice, sunny afternoon when she did, he would go buhhhh-nanas staring at the paint cracks on the ceiling. If the Wifey was forced to go run a few miles with him every time the DW felt antsy, she would weep quietly, box up her belongings, and call a mover.

So, what’s the solution? If the Wifey feels like a nap, she just says, “I’m gonna take a nap,” and if the DW needs to go for a run, he just says, “I need to go for a run.” They talk about how much time each activity might take, and that’s that. At this point, the schedules have become so synced that half the time the Wifey is taking a pillow to her office as the DW starts stretching and neither of them has to say a word.

Which means you should get out of bed. It’s who you are. And if you don’t get out of bed, you’ll end up resenting that you can’t and sooner than later your brain is going to morph this dude you really like into Mr. Lazypants Layabout Jackshittingsworth who is holding you back and crampin’ your style and how the fuck can he just lay there and lay there and lay there like there’s absolutely nothing interesting to do in the world? Eventually, you’ll resort to weird spiteful stuff like flicking his ears or holding his nostrils closed until he gasps through his mouth and none of this is good for either of you.

What might surprise you, Early Bird, given the sense of obligation your question carries, is how easy this will be on the dude. Dudes rather enjoy having some time to themselves. That’s why they have man caves and garages. It’s the real reason it takes them an hour to run out for milk. Your dude is too smart to tell you so, but it could well be that his favorite part of laying around in the morning is the part where he’s by himself and there’s no talking and no obligation and no decision to be made except for whether or not to roll over or scratch balls. Doesn’t mean he never wants you there. The DW is positive he enjoys your spooning and boning and goofy morning chatter. It’s just to say that don’t think you’re breaking his heart by giving him some space, either. He just wants you to be happy. If that means you getting up and running 5 miles or doing the dishes or gardening or catching up on email, knock yourself out. Takes the pressure off everybody.

The only key for you is to make clear that you getting up is not a passive aggressive signal that he needs to get up, too. Because that bit of miscommunication would make him feel like he just woke up at Shitty Relationship Boot Camp. Just say really straightforward stuff like, “I gotta get up. You know me and the morning thing. Don’t move. I’ll be back later.” If you want to be extra reassuring until you reach a rhythm where your respective routines are understood, you can even give him tongue in cheek orders as you exit the bed like, “You’re not allowed to get up until at least 9, so don’t even try.”

And seriously, don’t worry about how the word “antsy” sounds. That’s exactly the word the DW uses with The Wifey. Your dude isn’t a Thesaurus Cop. He just wants to know what’s going on, what you like, what you need, and what the rules of your relationship are going to be. If you get up at 5:30, he notes that fact, processes it, saves it for later use, and moves on. You’re not judging him as a no-good sloth because he enjoys a little lazing, right? Why would he judge you for being up and at ’em?

Here’s to getting up and kicking the day’s ass.


the DW


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One Response to Dudefile #79 – The Sleeper

  1. TheHumanScone says:

    She should be forced to stay in bed until he is awake and ready to receive such carnal rights as he is entitled under Boyfriend Statute #13. Or, she should just get the hell up and do what she wants, he can sleep in, and then they can knock one out later that night, during reruns of Manimal. Jeez.

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