Dudefile #81 – Ugh. Sports.

Dear DW,

I like your insight a lot and I find you really funny and truthful. But there’s one thing I just don’t get. How can a so-called genius like you be a sports fan? And worse, a baseball fan! Baseball is so boring! Is there a point to it?

My current man has the sports affliction, too, although at least he likes basketball better than baseball. Basketball seems just as pointless, but at least those players are amusing for a while in a reality TV kind of way with their bad tattoos and headbands and ridiculous posturing. Baseball just seems like a bunch of dumb rednecks hanging out on the lawn chewing tobacco and tugging at their balls. My boyfriend tries to defend sports sometimes and we’ve even gotten in a couple arguments about it.

I don’t even know what my real question is, this all just seems so ridiculous. Any chance you or my dude will come to your senses and stop paying attention to this stuff?


Baseball Hater


Hi BH,

Look, if you’re trying to goad the DW into doing some impassioned and corny defense of baseball with a background of grainy black and whites and a clarinet jazz soundtrack, it’s not gonna happen. He loved playing the game as a kid, loves watching and reading about the game now, and that’s that. If he was talking to a baseball fan, the DW would gladly nerd out about who should have been the NL MVP in 1987 instead of Andre Dawson, but since you’re not, he won’t. You are welcome to take baseball or leave it, just as you are free to take or leave TED lectures, butt plugs, People Magazine, base jumping, Vietnamese cuisine, old Rick James records, or Lord of the Dance. To each his own.

What the DW wonders, though, is what you do in your spare time. When your boyfriend flips on the Laker game, do you excuse yourself to the lab to work on your cure for MS? Perhaps you dial your secure direct line to Robert Gates to brainstorm exit strategies from Afghanistan?

Because otherwise this is a real yyyaaaaaawn of an email, the logic of which leads us down a rather silly and shortsighted path. Instead of listening to baseball on the radio while he writes this, is it okay with you if the DW pores over articles about who might be chosen to design Kate Middleton’s dress? How about sifting through YouTube for Charlie Sheen meltdown videos? What if he wanted to cuddle on the couch and do some shopping on Etsy or dish about the women you work with? Hey, there’s a Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon coming up. Wanna make some hot chocolate and watch?

Yes, for the sake of illustration, the DW just chose a bunch of stereotypical “girly” things. Feel free to substitute restoring a ’57 Ford Fairlane if you like. The point is, everybody with the luxury of free time has hobbies and interests and time wasters and guilty pleasures and indulgences. The chances of yours, BH, aligning perfectly with anyone else’s, let alone a dude’s, are roughly the same as the DW suddenly taking an interest in Elton John’s fucking baby. So, unless you’d like to send the DW a list of the silly things you like so he can take some cheap shots, maybe get over yourself and relax about the sports.

Look, if your dude was watching so much hoops that it was affecting your relationship, that would be one thing. When addiction to basketball or drugs or porn or Angry Birds or anything else reaches the level of consequences, by all means stamp your feet. But remember, even if your dude is one of those face painters who throws potted plants at the wall when his team loses, that doesn’t mean sports is dumb. It means your boyfriend has a problem. Perhaps many problems.

But your situation doesn’t sound like addiction or, frankly, anything remotely out of the ordinary. It sounds like you being unable to understand why someone prefers chocolate ice cream to vanilla or a Dirty Sanchez to a Cleveland Steamer. Which is you valuing your taste more than anyone else’s for no real quantifiable reason. Which is the definition of selfish. Which is boring the DW so much he can hardly believe he took this long to address it.

The Wifey doesn’t really care about baseball as a sport, either, but since meeting the DW she’s managed to find the elements of it she finds enjoyable- relaxing outside in nice weather, eating snacks, and reading up on players with famous girlfriends, interesting backgrounds, unique appearances, or strident politics. She even just drove all the way to Arizona with the DW to catch a few days of spring training because 1) she knew the DW would love it and 2) just about anything that involves a grilled dog, a cold beer, and 83 degree weather in the first week of March is gonna work out just fine if you have the right company. You don’t have to be as awesome as The Wifey, of course, but not condescending to your boyfriend over something harmless he enjoys will go a long way to keeping the relationship stable over time.

Here’s to variety being the spice of life and shit like that.


the DW

PS- Baseball is wonderful.


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6 Responses to Dudefile #81 – Ugh. Sports.

  1. Anne says:

    One of my most favorite posts of yours. Totally hilarious and right on point.
    PS. Cleveland Steamer, ha!

  2. TheHumanScone says:

    Dude! Best Dude ever! Way to whip up the rhetoric! And, yeah, baseball’s boring. Know what’s more boring? Whining about how boring baseball is. All pursuits are fruitless cause most of us die within 60 or so years. In meantime, you want to watch a dude (lower case) hit a single to right? Why in the fucking scone not?


  3. LOVE. IT.
    1. I hate the “Interests Gestapo.” What the fuck difference does it make to you what another person does with their free time?
    2. Any person who can not find any interest in any sport under any circumstance is not to be trusted, may well be Illuminati, and hid Jimmy Hoffa. I’m not a baseball fan, and would rather yank out my toenails than watch the game on TV, but one of my FAVORITE things to do on a warm spring evening is head to Nats stadium and watch a live game.

  4. Hahahahaha. I love me some feisty Dude Whisperer!

  5. Rachel says:

    Best. Post. Ever.

  6. Tlady says:

    Love it. Relationships are about accepting and respecting each other, including personal interests. If she’s expecting him to ditch his own interests for her, he needs to put on his boogie shoes and go.

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