Dudefile #83 – Any Online Dating Profile Tips?


Online dating comes highly recommended from several friends.  I’ve been out of the whole romance/dating world for some time now, and I think I’m ready to give it a whirl.  I remember your tips about pictures from a ways back, but I’m wondering if you have any tips for profile crafting?  It seems daunting and I’m having a hard time building up steam.

Any thoughts on tackling this challenge?




Hi B,

Are you kidding? The DW’s got tips about everything. Especially the online dating world, of which he believes he definitively proved his mastery by bagging The Wifey.

Here are 9 non-picture profile crafting tips from a genius:

Tip#1- Keep It Short, Simple, Direct, and Unqualified

No dude is on a dating site to read long paragraphs, asides, and details. In fact, the only reason he’s reading your profile at all is because he likes your picture. Keep it meat and potatoes. To the point. Say what you mean. Be confident. Don’t hedge. Cut your answer down. Then cut it down again. Move on. This rule applies to all other rules.

Tip#2- Beware the Soul Mate

“Soul mate,” “partner in crime,” “chemistry.” To a dude, words like this might as well be, “Wah-Wah-Wah,” “Grappleflaggel,” and, “Fahrvergnugen.” They will bore and confuse him and, worse, render you indistinguishable from the next cute girl whose soul-matey profile he reads.

Define for yourself what a soul mate is, in your words, and then type that.

Tip#3- Beware the List of Demands

When the DW was online dating, he couldn’t close a woman’s profile fast enough when she asked for, at minimum, a six-foot three, ripped, rich, poetic, pragmatist, freewheeling, confident, traveling, handy, artsy, humble, dance-friendly, techy, woodsy, grounded, homebody, baker, cocky, mysterious, race car driver, open-book, superhero, dangerous rebel, stable, CEO, astronaut, sommelier, comedian, independent, partner in crime. Or at least those were the dudes she would consider.

All a list of demands does is turn your profile into a ransom note and make you look like a high-maintenance, unrealistic pain in the ass. Or maybe you have an agenda after an avalanche of shit dates. Or maybe you just yank clichés from other profiles willy-nilly.

Have standards, by all means. Just winnow them down to the essentials and be smart about how you communicate them.

Tip#3A- Don’t Forget to Offer Just as Much as You Ask For

Want a lot? Offer a lot.

And don’t just say, “I have a great sense of humor.” Really? The DW’s Uncle Roy says, “I have a great sense of humor,” and that guy is a racist shithead. Be specific. Say, “For Halloween last year I dressed as a penis,” and let each dude decide for himself what that says about your humor.

Tip#4- Dare to Be Utterly Unappealing

Your audience is not All The Dudes On OkCupid. Your audience is All The Dudes on OkCupid I Want To Date.  So don’t  write like you’re trying to please everybody. You’ll end up pleasing nobody.

For instance, if you type, “I’m just as comfortable camping as I am in high heels,” the DW assumes you are either lying or a lot worse at one of those things than you realize. Dudes all across the internet yawn with abject ambivalence.

But if you type, “I love to camp and I believe high heels are for simple-minded subjugated women,” sure, you’ve lost a lot of dudes. But they weren’t the ones you’d want to date, anyway. In the meantime, all your potential OkCupid feminist camping buddies just got half a boner.

Tip #5- Never, ever under penalty of death mention an ex.

Too soon.

Tip #5A- Never ever under penalty of death air grievances about your past bad on-line dates.

See #5. Also, nobody cares.

Tip#5B- See Tips # 5 and 5A for such topics as I Hate My Job and Traumatic Junior High Band Camp Experiences

Tip#6- Accentuate the Positive

This list of tips may have a lot of Don’t, but your profile should have a lot of Do. Define yourself more by what you like than what you don’t. What makes you laugh? What do you do well? List wonderments, not grievances.

And don’t forget that this doesn’t just cover your favorite flavor of ice cream and shit like that. If you get along really well with your family, it’s worth mentioning. Briefly. I mean, if you go on and on about it, it starts to get weird and boring and no dude gives a crap, but just a quick something like, “My parents are crazy like all parents, but I love them,” let’s a dude know that odds are you had a non-traumatic upbringing and the first time you sleep over you’re not going to wake up screaming, “I hate you daddy, I hate you!”

Tip#7- Don’t Go Overboard With The Sexy Talk

Look, if the dude is reading your profile it’s because he likes your picture, which means he already wants to fuck you. So really, there’s not a lot you can say about sex that makes him want to fuck you more. Writing about how much you like sex just keeps him from reading anything else you wrote and wildly increases the chances he’s going to rush through dinner because he thinks you can’t wait to get home and see if you can fit both his balls in your mouth at once.

Boning will happen if it’s gonna happen. Don’t diminish the profile as a tool to filter all sorts of more immediate things.

Tip#8- Don’t Leave Important Categories Blank

Only guilty people plead the Fifth. A dude will assume you have something to hide when you leave a blank.

Say your site asks you to choose between body types of Parisian Model Skinny, Jeans Model Skinny, Skinny Skinny, Regular Skinny, Athletic Skinny, Somewhat Skinny, Truly Skinny, Husky, and Enormous and it seems uncomfortable to be honest and put Husky, do it anyway. You’re going to show up for your date Husky regardless, so why show up Husky and a liar? Besides, plenty of dudes like Husky just fine. If you leave the question blank, a dude is going to assume you’re way past Husky and Enormous and invent a new category called Huskynormous And Gnarly With A Third Leg Growing Out Of Her Buttocks.

Tip#9- Revisit Tip #1

You’re fine. Just write what you really mean, in your own words. No hedging or qualifying. Short and sweet and hit Enter.

Hope this helps, B. Here’s to online dating success.


The DW


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2 Responses to Dudefile #83 – Any Online Dating Profile Tips?

  1. Jane Donuts says:

    Good advice! I also enjoyed that you included “husky” as one of your tags.

  2. C-Otter says:

    This comment: “…and wildly increases the chances he’s going to rush through dinner because he thinks you can’t wait to get home and see if you can fit both his balls in your mouth at once.” Just had me in stitches for 2 minutes. Bravo.

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