Dear Dude Whisperer,
Why do guys cheat on their girlfriends? Specifically, what is it about all
these celebrity dudes cheating on their hot, respectable wives with cheap
groupie hoes who aren’t even that good looking?
I can maybe understand older guys cheating on their older wives with
younger, hotter chicks — like Brett Favre sending pics of himself
masturbating while wearing nothing but a pair of Crocs (ew!) to a
cheerleader who looks like a younger version of his wife. It’s really no
surprise when rumors surface about David Beckham cheating on Posh Spice. I
mean, she’s kinda weird looking.
But what’s up with all these other dudes? Jesse James was cheating on
Sandra Bullock with Michelle “Bombshell” McGee who had a freaky forehead
tattoo. Tiger Woods was nailing some very average looking cocktail
waitresses despite being married to Elin Nordegren, a former Swedish
model. And Tony Parker was married to Eva Longoria. Why would anyone cheat
on the woman who was #1 on Maxim’s “Hot 100” List two years in a row?
Can you explain this?
A regular girl who is confused by celebrity penises
Glad you asked this one. The DW and The Wifey have talked about the wandering celebrity wiener at length a couple times. The Wifey kept asking, “Why? Why would they do that?” and The DW kept answering, “Duh. Because they can.” Once was after Jesse James and once was after Tiger. The disconnect is this- you’re thinking about these affairs in terms of replacement, whereas celebrity dudes think of them in terms of addition.
David Beckham was not allegedly having sex with a big boobed Dutch model instead of Posh Spice, he was allegedly having sex with a big boobed Dutch model in addition to Posh Spice. Ask any dude on the street if he’d rather bone Natalie Portman or a random Chili’s hostess and he’ll say Natalie Portman. But ask the same dude if he’d rather bone Portman, Chili’s, or both and he’ll say both, even if Chili’s is considerably less erudite, famous, or attractive. Sometimes, as with design principles or preparing a great cut of meat, less is more. But with boobies, more tends just to be more.
So when, say, Sandra Bullock is cheated on for Bombshell McGee it’s useless to compare the relative merits of each. Jesse James wasn’ t thinking, “Now here’s a woman vastly superior to my gorgeous, rich, smart wife! I must make her mine!” He wasn’t thinking about his wife at all. He was probably just bored after a car show or something and wanted a hummer. Maybe Sandy was out of town, maybe he’s just a dick, maybe he figured a chick with a forehead tattoo would be a little extra freaky-deaky change of pace. Who knows? But it’s not like Sandy was going to vaporize the moment ole Bombshell removed her panties and got to work. Loss? Nothing. Gain? A few plows in the garden. That simple.
Same goes for Elin Nordegren or Eva Longoria getting cheated on. Neither could be much more beautiful, right? But again, not the point. Tiger Woods and Tony Parker simply have nearly constant access to tons of available women who will fuck them. At some point it occurred to them that it might be really, really fun to nail just about all of them. Admirable? Perhaps not. Inevitable? Just about. Fact is, most average dudes would have a hard time staying faithful if they woke up tomorrow and women were flying through the windows to be the first to grab their hotel room key. It’s one thing to keep yourself from making the effort to actively seek out an affair. But when women are forever seeking you out? Eventually, you’re going to say yes.
And then there’s the Brett Favre part of the equation. There may be no better example of what being superfamous must do to a dude. Nobody ever tells you you’re wrong or that you’re acting like a dipshit from ages 20-42 and you start to believe you’re invincible. Maybe it starts with referring to yourself in the third person. Then next thing you know you wake up one day and honestly believe that sending a grown ass woman you don’t know a phone pic of you tuggin’ your junk in nothing but Crocs will get you 100% laid and stay 100% secret. For all the DW knows, Brett Favre also think clouds are made of Cotton Candy and that you can get a woman pregnant just by lookin’ at her funny.
Anyway, you get the idea. Opportunity added to delusion added to power added to more opportunity and delusion added to a dude’s natural inability to stop thinking about a new place to put his cock equals ideas like, “Hey, you know what’s better than fucking Sienna Miller? Fucking Sienna Miller and the nanny!”
Here’s to never finding your dude on top of, underneath, or behind a nickname like “Bombshell”. Oucharoo.