What does this email mean? I got this from a dude after a lot of good dates.
I’m sorry for being a complete idiot over the phone, but I just froze up. I’d like to offer you an explanation and believe you deserve this at the very least as I understand I just sprang this on you, but hope you can believe me when I say that my time spent with you was sincere and I wasn’t acting under some ulterior motive.
The difficulty is that I do like you and think you’re awesome on many levels. When I’m around you, I want to treat you with decency and kindness because you are deserving and that’s just how I am with those who I believe are good. However, this is how I believe people should treat one another fundamentally and on a basic level. I think people might get the wrong impression because not everyone treats one another this way and therefore begin to believe it is something special when they find someone who does. On the contrary, I think this should be a basic premise to a relationship and couples working on a bond between one another should share attributes at a deeper level.
I agree to what you said that we aren’t all the same and have our differences and I don’t expect to date another me. That would be horrible in fact, and I’d probably end up killing myself or the other me. Anyway, like I said, this might be easier if we didn’t get along or just hated one anther, but you probably hate me now.
I really don’t want to hurt you and again, hope you can believe that I’m capable of empathy and the thought of hurting you hurts me a lot too. I’d rather share my sentiments now, however, before either of us invests too much time and heart and I really don’t want to disappoint you deeper.
I thank you for all that you have shared with me already. I’d be riddled with guilt if I didn’t continue to be honest with you. I don’t believe that I’m afraid of some commitment, if that’s what you’re thinking. In fact, I think i would like this very much, but want to know it’s right and that there is a potential for longevity. I find nothing wrong with you and you didn’t do anything to upset me. I simply think we’re on different levels on some basic respects and I’m not looking to change or mold anyone to my liking.
I know I’m generally reserved, quiet and introverted. I find that you are quite spirited and wear your heart on your sleeve. I think that is wonderful of you, but fear we would wear on one another through time. I’ll be rather blunt and admit I found myself recently beginning to lose attention at times when you were sharing a story with me. I began to feel fatigued, withdrawn and not myself and you don’t deserve that. You deserve someone who is continuously capable of cherishing what you share with them because you are lovely indeed.
I hope I offered you some kind of explanation because I hate the thought of leaving someone in limbo and confusion due to my afflictions. I might have just been babbling though as I think my emotions are buried deep in darkness and are often not seen in clarity because they’re not often exposed to the surface and squinty like a mole.
I would still like to offer you the tickets to the show, if my boss comes through. I’ll text you tomorrow to let you know if I got them, but would understand if you want nothing more to do with me.
And so I repeat, DW, what does this mean?
Wow. Well, the main thing it means is you just received the only breakup note the DW’s ever seen that could put a person to sleep. Which is a real trick if you think about it. And the only one he’s ever had to read twice to make sure it was actually a breakup note. The DW can see definitely see how this dude was a good date. Pure electricity. A live wire. An alpha dog with extra hairy balls. Par-tay.
The other thing it means is that the dude is trying his hardest to be nice and earmest about cutting you loose. Which is actually kinda sweet. It’s just a little hard to tell because the analytical spaghetti he serves up comes off as a little bit like it’s been translated from Russian by a robot.
Here are his main points, interpreted by the DW.
1. Sorry for not manning up and telling you we need to break up in person. I know that’s the better way to do it, but I am a crap sandwich at thinking on my feet and not terribly proud of it. So please accept this stiff, circular, down-the-rabbit-hole-of-self-analysis presentation method of breaking the news.
2. I think you’re awesome. Know that’s a hard sell in this letter where I’m dumping you, but it’s true. You’re awesome.
3. We’re simply too different to work as a couple. I know you don’t think so, but it’s true.
4. Seriously. Read #3 again. I’m a major fucking introvert whose mind is always diagnosing and observing and diagnosing observations. You’re an extrovert whose life looks, to someone like me, like a never ending swan dive towards a pool with no water. Not saying my way is better. Just that our ways do not work together.
5. I feel really bad about breaking up with you. Seriously. Kind of like a dick. In fact, I feel so bad it’s probably gonna spur on a huge round of wondering why I am the way I am and if I will always be this way and….Sorry, got off track. I really feel bad about this.
6. I’m really telling the truth. Not afraid of committment. Not secretly telling all my friends you’re a stank beeyatch with a hairy back and a gnarly ‘tude. This is the whole story. I swear. Like 7 times.
7. No seriously. Let me write all that again in very long sentences.
All in all, as much as this dude’s letter lacked artfulness and clarity, it was written with painstaking care and was actually intended to be sincere, self-effacing, and reassuring. Which hopefully helps the surprise and the sting of the dumpage. Or if the intent doesn’t help, maybe think of it this way. This letter that confused the bejeezus out of you is the kind of thing that rattles around this dude’s head all the time. Maybe he’s right. Maybe over the long haul you two weren’t as compatible as you had hoped.
Here’s to your next dude writing a twelve word love letter instead.