Dudefile #87 – I got this letter from a dude. WTF?

Dear DW,

What does this email mean? I got this from a dude after a lot of good dates.

“Hi [Noname],

I’m sorry for being a complete idiot over the phone, but I just froze up. I’d like to offer you an explanation and believe you deserve this at the very least as I understand I just sprang this on you, but hope you can believe me when I say that my time spent with you was sincere and I wasn’t acting under some ulterior motive.

The difficulty is that I do like you and think you’re awesome on many levels. When I’m around you, I want to treat you with decency and kindness because you are deserving and that’s just how I am with those who I believe are good. However, this is how I believe people should treat one another fundamentally and on a basic level. I think people might get the wrong impression because not everyone treats one another this way and therefore begin to believe it is something special when they find someone who does. On the contrary, I think this should be a basic premise to a relationship and couples working on a bond between one another should share attributes at a deeper level.

I agree to what you said that we aren’t all the same and have our differences and I don’t expect to date another me. That would be horrible in fact, and I’d probably end up killing myself or the other me. Anyway, like I said, this might be easier if we didn’t get along or just hated one anther, but you probably hate me now.

I really don’t want to hurt you and again, hope you can believe that I’m capable of empathy and the thought of hurting you hurts me a lot too. I’d rather share my sentiments now, however, before either of us invests too much time and heart and I really don’t want to disappoint you deeper.

I thank you for all that you have shared with me already. I’d be riddled with guilt if I didn’t continue to be honest with you. I don’t believe that I’m afraid of some commitment, if that’s what you’re thinking. In fact, I think i would like this very much, but want to know it’s right and that there is a potential for longevity. I find nothing wrong with you and you didn’t do anything to upset me. I simply think we’re on different levels on some basic respects and I’m not looking to change or mold anyone to my liking.

I know I’m generally reserved, quiet and introverted. I find that you are quite spirited and wear your heart on your sleeve. I think that is wonderful of you, but fear we would wear on one another through time. I’ll be rather blunt and admit I found myself recently beginning to lose attention at times when you were sharing a story with me. I began to feel fatigued, withdrawn and not myself and you don’t deserve that. You deserve someone who is continuously capable of cherishing what you share with them because you are lovely indeed.

I hope I offered you some kind of explanation because I hate the thought of leaving someone in limbo and confusion due to my afflictions. I might have just been babbling though as I think my emotions are buried deep in darkness and are often not seen in clarity because they’re not often exposed to the surface and squinty like a mole.

I would still like to offer you the tickets to the show, if my boss comes through. I’ll text you tomorrow to let you know if I got them, but would understand if you want nothing more to do with me.

Peace,
[Wtf-dude]”

And so I repeat, DW, what does this mean?

Sincerely,

Noname

 

Hi Noname,

Wow. Well, the main thing it means is you just received the only breakup note the DW’s ever seen that could put a person to sleep. Which is a real trick if you think about it. And the only one he’s ever had to read twice to make sure it was actually a breakup note. The DW can see definitely see how this dude was a good date. Pure electricity. A live wire. An alpha dog with extra hairy balls. Par-tay.

The other thing it means is that the dude is trying his hardest to be nice and earmest about cutting you loose. Which is actually kinda sweet. It’s just a little hard to tell because the analytical spaghetti he serves up comes off as a little bit like it’s been translated from Russian by a robot.

Here are his main points, interpreted by the DW.

1. Sorry for not manning up and telling you we need to break up in person. I know that’s the better way to do it, but I am a crap sandwich at thinking on my feet and not terribly proud of it. So please accept this stiff, circular, down-the-rabbit-hole-of-self-analysis presentation method of breaking the news.

2. I think you’re awesome. Know that’s a hard sell in this letter where I’m dumping you, but it’s true. You’re awesome.

3. We’re simply too different to work as a couple. I know you don’t think so, but it’s true.

4. Seriously.  Read #3 again. I’m a major fucking introvert whose mind is always diagnosing and observing and diagnosing observations. You’re an extrovert whose life looks, to someone like me, like a never ending swan dive towards a pool with no water. Not saying my way is better. Just that our ways do not work together.

5. I feel really bad about breaking up with you. Seriously. Kind of like a dick. In fact, I feel so bad it’s probably gonna spur on a huge round of wondering why I am the way I am and if I will always be this way and….Sorry, got off track. I really feel bad about this.

6. I’m really telling the truth. Not afraid of committment. Not secretly telling all my friends you’re a stank beeyatch with a hairy back and a gnarly ‘tude. This is the whole story. I swear. Like 7 times.

7. No seriously. Let me write all that again in very long sentences.

All in all, as much as this dude’s letter lacked artfulness and clarity, it was written with painstaking care and was actually intended to be sincere, self-effacing, and reassuring. Which hopefully helps the surprise and the sting of the dumpage. Or if the intent doesn’t help, maybe think of it this way. This letter that confused the bejeezus out of you is the kind of thing that rattles around this dude’s head all the time. Maybe he’s right. Maybe over the long haul you two weren’t as compatible as you had hoped.

Here’s to your next dude writing a twelve word love letter instead.

Best,

the DW

 

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11 Responses to Dudefile #87 – I got this letter from a dude. WTF?

  1. Anne says:

    It’s a good thing I’m not the DW, cause I would have made a dick joke around the whole “doesn’t get exposed much” and “squinty like a mole” parts of that incredibly long and painful letter. Once again the DW is right though, this guy was trying to be, and probably is, really nice but also neurotic. WTF-Dude did Noname a favor.

  2. Anne,
    On the contrary, the DW should have absolutely made a dick joke! How did he not see it?
    Oh, the shame….

  3. Virginia says:

    The DW is right. Kudos to WTF Dude for actually trying to be sincere and honest about what was going on. Seems like a really nice guy, just a bit strange and a little too much in his head/thoughts. I’ve gotten the “I do like you, but…” before. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around.

  4. theHumanScone says:

    Way to knock that whiner down, Dude W. He needs another one. Try a left this time.

  5. Kee says:

    As long as this email was, it was a hell of a lot shorter to read it than several of my relationships that stuck out with no one breaking up with anyone. I don’t know how long you were going out, but it’s sort of nice to know someone wants you to know, with apparently every atom of sincerity he has, that it’s really not you, it’s him. I’d take a letter like this over the long-drawn out, not going anywhere relationship any day, and for that matter, the sudden blowed-off “what did I do wrong, I thought it was going so well” trek into the 3-week ice cream diet. It’s not normal to send an email like this, but it’s anything but “WTF”. He told you in acute detail exactly WTF, more than you wanted to know, probably, but at least you know. Bonus, he’s kind of given you no reason to grieve even a little bit over him, he’s weird.

  6. Noname says:

    Well guys. I kind of sent a nasty response calling him out on this email. I said something really mean. But apologize after I typed it explaining I only said it out of anger. Now… Because maybe he was overly critical and moody. And he is the master of saying everything but what he wants to say. ” He went on to say he really does have a deep connection to me physically and altruistically. That he would like to continue seeing me but slowing down. Hmmmmmm

    • Hey Noname,

      Thanks for writing in with the update!

      Interesting the dude is open to keepin on keepin on. The DW got the sense this dude had wanted to break it off even before this note, but had been unable to follow through.

      Anyway, for what it’s worth, the DW feels like it’s time to move on. This brake-tapping stuff usually doesn’t work.

      What say you, sexy readers? Should they slow things down and give it a go again?

      the DW

  7. hokey pokey says:

    ugh! run from this guy! he’s wishy washy and doesn’t have the balls to break up with you. and c’mon! he said he was “beginning to lose attention at times when you were sharing a story with me.” i can understand if you’ve been married for 20 years to tune out your spouse every now and then, but if it’s happening on the first few dates, that’s bad news. and what is an altruistic connection?? weird.

    • Yeah, bolt! I think the type of guy to write this email is the Sensitive Guy. SGs are also the type to capitulate if their attempts to be good dudes are challenged (in my experience). As the above person noted, if he’s already zoning out, that’s not gonna get better. Don’t you want someone who listens to you with rapt attention?

  8. marmot says:

    A deep connection to you physically? Great! Maybe something to work with if you’re up for some NSA action. A deep connection to you altruistically? What the fucking fuck is that? Either his spellcheck *seriously* misfired, or he’s saying he…feels sorry for you? Thinks he’s doing you a favor somehow? Who knows, but it sounds bizarre. (And not in a good way.)

  9. Star says:

    You guys are being too soft on WTF Dude. If I got this breakup note, I’d be PISSED!

    Saying “I’ll be rather blunt and admit I found myself recently beginning to lose attention at times when you were sharing a story with me” is irrelevant and just plain rude.

    There are better, not to mention more efficient, ways to break up with someone. Forget him!

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