Dudefile #93 – He Promised!

Dear DW,

About a year ago I received a Facebook friendship request from someone I knew 4 years ago (and tried very hard to date me, although I was in a relationship at the time and I didn’t pursue). No longer in that relationship, I was excited to hear from him and began emailing through Facebook.

I was traveling quite a bit in the first few months of chatting so we ended up getting together last Fall for dinner and had a great time! From that point on, our “relationship” was very scattered, both having super busy schedules, but always keeping in touch via text/phone and seeing each other at random.

Every time we see each other there’s always a huge hug and a lot of smiles. When I’m with him, I feel amazing and we have such a great time. I felt that he was completely interested and genuinely happy when he was with me. Especially since he would say on many occasions that he was so happy to have found me again and that he has never stopped thinking about me all these years. 

Unfortunately, the moment we would part, I would question his intentions immensely because his schedule always took precedence and our time together was always very random and spur of the moment. Our first and second date had about 3 weeks between them yet we spoke almost every day. When I asked him if he wanted to see me again, his response was “of course I do, you never have to question that about me.”

January comes around, I see him upon returning from being away for the back half of December and then he basically drops off the face of the earth. I reach out to him via text and leave him a casual voice mail saying hello, with no response. I decide to write an email asking what happened and that if he wasn’t interested to just let me know, that we were friends and he could just be honest with me. No response whatsoever.

March comes around, with no communication (except of course him “liking” my status every other post and even commenting on my Facebook page here and there) until I break my foot at the gym.  

He’s a trainer (we met at the gym) and so I suppose he felt compelled to reach out and ask me how I was doing and what happened. His response to me asking, “What happened to you?” was essentially telling me that he got scared. Amongst multiple responses, one being “that’s a shame”, I felt good about telling him what I needed to and assumed that would be that. We then began to have more frequent conversations, all initiated by him, and then start seeing each other again.

The first time we saw each other again, I had a conversation with him about what happened and he PROMISED that he would never drop off the face of the earth again. In that conversation, I thought I made it clear that all I really want from him at this point is to just be honest and tell me if you’re done rather than just disappearing again. Well, a week ago Tuesday he disappeared again. The Tuesday after a Monday night together, where we had such an amazing night and he looked me straight in the face and told me he wouldn’t ever drop off the face of the earth again…right before he called me Princess and snuggled up to me all night.  Again, he PROMISED.

He left on Tuesday, we spoke that afternoon…and then his phone mysteriously no longer accepts incoming phone calls (and I called from multiple places in case he just blocked my number or something for some reason).

Oh, and I forgot to tell you that he removed himself from Facebook about a month ago and when I asked him about it, he said he just was over it. We’ve never actually emailed through the regular channels since we went right from Facebook email to the phone, so I have literally no way of communicating with him. I have NO idea what happened. I have always thought of myself as a pretty good judge of character and honestly didn’t think he could lie to my face like that on multiple occasions. 

I just don’t get it and can’t stop thinking about it, morning noon and night. My friend sent me your information and thought why not see if you have any insight on the matter.


Hi PO,

So, Brazil and Holland played a soccer match the other day. Who cares, right? Not 99.6% of America. But if you live in Brazil, this was front page news. The crowd was huge and loud. The hype was intense. Kind of like the Super Bowl is in your town. You know, the same Super Bowl that Brazilians couldn’t give a shit about.

In other words, people can care wildly more or less about the same thing. And this dude was clearly less invested in your potential as a couple than you from the get-go. Every step of the way, he’s kind of been mailing it in. Sure, when you’re together he seems charming and engaged. That’s easy. But when you weren’t literally standing in front of him, the dude acted like someone who was relieved his boss left the office for a meeting so he could surf sports blogs and steal some pens.  

 And you kind of picked up on this. And then the dude disappeared. 

Now, in a perfect world, this is where the story would have ended. You get the run-around from a flaky cheeseball trainer guy, dating thingy over, you both move on. You, to a better dude. Him, presumably to nailing everything that moves at the gym for the next seven years followed by a slow decline into that guy you see in the frozen foods aisle late at night who doesn’t quite realize the glory days have passed and that his guns are no longer loaded and his shorts are too short and his t-shirt is too tight on his belly and it’s a little too late in life to have frosted tips and lines shaved into his eyebrow.

You are apparently an optimistic soul, however, and so we got round two of the trainer after you break your foot. But here’s the thing. You’re still watching the soccer match from Brazil and he’s still watching it from America. Big deal, minor deal. Same old, same old. If anything, his lazy, craptacularly unresponsive behavior has been reinforced. What he’s learned is that no matter how long he goes away and no matter how shitty the reasons, you’ll still talk to him when he comes back.

So why did he contact you in the first place? Why contact you again? What does he want? Well, part of the equation is always your hoohoo, right? Specifically, him getting to pull down your yoga pants and fuck it. But you know that. The greater reason is that this dude is probably a flake in general. He’s learned, either consciously or not, that being a pretty trainer dude who says charming, confident bullshit like “you never have to question that about me” will get him a lot of things he wants. Like new training clients. Or an extra boost at Jamba Juice. Or blown. Or whatever. Why not contact a cute chick? What’s to lose? Doesn’t necessarily mean he’s diabolical or even had any kind of plan at all. He may just be somewhere in that all too overpopulated territory between oblivious and entitled. The DW has known plenty of flakey dicks who thought of themselves as smooth operatin’ sweethearts. 

Which means that the answer to, “What Happened?” is, “The same thing over and over.” There was nothing that really changed. No trigger point where a good thing went bad. This dude was remarkably consistently erratic all along. 

The better question is what to take away from this. It would be tempting to let the lesson be Don’t Believe Anything A Dude Says Because They’re All Liars, but that would make for a miserable life where you would never trust anyone and your relationships would be doomed to contentiousness and acrimony. And it’s not true, anyway. The DW would suggest however, that you check your next dude’s actions against his deeds. If they don’t match up, start getting seriously skeptical. Immediately. Promising and not delivering is a trait that shows up early and often and is highly unlikely to change.

Here’s to your next dude not being a trainer, a job that, based on multiple reader letters, is now on the Official Dude Whisperer Says Look The Fuck Out! List Of Suspicious Vocations along with bartender, musician, and super rich guy. 


the DW

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6 Responses to Dudefile #93 – He Promised!

  1. carynaych says:

    For the record, pretty trainer dudes can ALSO be devoted, caring, supportive, and completely trustworthy! Been dating my dude for a little over a year.

  2. As can bartenders, musicians, and super rich guys. They’re not on a banned list, just high alert.

    Glad to hear things are well with your dude!

  3. Wendy says:

    Everything about this story indicates to me that this guy is either married or in a serious relationship, and that the type of shenanigans he is having with Promised Out is something he does over and over again.

  4. Tracy says:

    Loser. Flake. Totally not worth your time. Forget about him because when you are not together I guarantee he has forgotten about you.

  5. Traci Wright says:

    I look forward so much to opening my emailbox and seeing a letter from the dude whisperer. I always read the problem and then try to guess what youre going to say before i read the response. I even showed my boyfriend some of your material and he said..”Oh, he’s spot on.” So cheers to you!

  6. Bobby says:

    “I decide to write an email asking what happened and that if he wasn’t interested to just let me know…”
    He let you know by dropping out. And then it happended again when you chose to overlook the last one. Sorry it turned out that way,but what happened doesn’t seem so mysterious. Another solid one DW.

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