Dudefile #96 – Two Dudes, a Gal, and an Elephant Dong

Dear Dude Whisperer,

I have a dude.  He’s awesome.  We’ve been together almost ten years, we’re working on the baby-making, it’s cool.  I mean, we have our issues, but what couple doesn’t?

When I got together with Dude #1, I was already banging Dude #2, and continued to do so after commencing banging #1.  #2 and I hardly ever saw each other–lived in different cities, that kind of thing.

Well, Dude #2 is no longer around to bang–the guy died, in a literal pining-for-the-fjords kind of way, and I was pretty broken up about it for a while there.  But I have since met Dude #3.

The thing about Dude #3 is, he’s totally better for me than #2 ever was.  Plus he has enough money that we can see each other every couple of months…and he’s hung like an elephant, which I would be lying if I said I didn’t like.

Except, Dude #1 is kind of being weird about it.  He’s getting jealous and making up stuff about how #3 is a total slut and being weirdly paranoid about the dangers of air travel, for fuck’s sake.  This is a total surprise to me, because he had no problem at all with the banging of Dude #2.

Now, I feel like I’ve played by the rules here.  There have been no secrets or lies, Dude #1 is totally free to go find himself a chick to bang on the side if he feels like it, and I don’t think that a long weekend every two or three months is really going to put a huge strain on our relationship.  I have told him that if he wants to talk about Dude #3’s supposed sluttitude, he’s going to have to do it with Dude #3, not with me.  And in the end, if I can’t have them both, I will dump #3.

But I really don’t want to.  I’m not going to wax poetic about #3 because that’d make this too long; suffice it to say the L word has passed our lips, including at times when we weren’t actually having sex.  So what I really want to know is, how long do I give it before I decide #1 just isn’t going to settle down?  Is there anything I can do to make it work better for him?


Wants It Both Ways



First of all, sincere condolences on the loss of #2. Tough times. 

Now that life has normalized, though, congratulations on finding an elephant cock you like. The DW has often thought it must be a weird moment for a woman to take down a dude’s trousers for the first time and have no idea if she’s getting a baby carrot or a mozzarella log. Dudes don’t really have a correlative experience. Unleashed boobies are usually pretty much exactly what a dude had speculated based on their in-shirt appearance. True, nipples can vary from pencil erasers to tortillas. But a dude is never pausing at the top button of your blouse wondering if the cup size he’s about to bury his face in is an A or a D. 

Anyway, to your question- the thing that sticks out to the DW about the behavior of your main dude, Mr. Presumably Merely Human Sized Dong, is that he appears to want to change the rules. Dudes usually like rules. A lot. It means order. Predictability. Stability. Efficiency. It means that you buy a ticket to New York your flight goes to New York, not just you know, wherever. It means that what constitutes a touchdown is not revisited and debated endlessly before every football game. It’s why the DW honks at people who won’t make a right on red. It’s not so much the 12.67 seconds that just got added to his drive. It’s that someone doesn’t know what the fuck is going on. How can you not know the basic driving rules? Let’s go! WTF! 

Rules are also, frankly, what help dudes learn how to make sense of the women they are dating and make sense of the relationships they have with those women. When the rules get bent into weird irregular verbs, dudes feel like they’ve just been flicked in the nuts. For instance, say one of the rules of your relationship is that you like a dude to order for you when you go out to eat. Fine. He’ll do that. But if, after a dude orders for you 29 times in a row, you get annoyed at him when he tries to order for you at dinner #30, you are going to give him an instant and massive headache. Now there’s one more thing he doesn’t understand back on his plate for reconsideration for no apparent reason. Ugh. What else isn’t settled? Does he have to go over where you hang the towels again? Is he not allowed to that little super naughty thing in the sack anymore? What gives?

And what all of this means is that something is up with your dude. Maybe he’s threatened by a dude who’s packing like a pachyderm, or he’s threatened by Dumbo Cock’s money, or he’s just starting to notice that 10 years into your relationship it’s getting a lot harder for him to pull fresh side pussy while you just keep finding a brand new bag of dicks in the back of every fridge and under every seat cushion. Maybe this baby making you’re working on is causing him to come down with an acute case of The Traditionals and all of a sudden he’s having visions of the future with a lush green lawn, white picket fence, a labrador puppy and only one vagina slapping up against only one pair of hairy balls. The DW can’t tell you from this letter exactly what his concern is. The DW can tell you, though, that the issue is most decidedly not any of that bullshit about Ol’ Donkeydick being a slut. Or air travel. Seriously. Air travel? That’s so off the map for this situation the dude is practically begging you to ask him what the real issue is. 

So, the DW suggests you ask Dude #1 what the real issue is. And to prepare for that conversation you might want to ask yourself this question- Would I rather have Dude #1 and no sidebang for the rest of my life or not have Dude #1, but get to fuck everybody else? The DW suspects that’s the kind of thing that is, essentially, going to be on the table. Whatever the case, though, this is not something to try to wait out. It needs to be addressed directly and Dude #1 is doing a craptacular job of bringing it up in a straightforward manner himself.

Here’s to sorting out the dicks in your life.


the DW

PS- Aside from having huge cocks, the DW found out this week that elephants also do this .

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4 Responses to Dudefile #96 – Two Dudes, a Gal, and an Elephant Dong

  1. Dude! You are the best – this has to be THE funniest post since the candy cane sex toy message back over the winter. Fantastic! Keep up the awesome writing – the lovelorn poets need you. 🙂 Cheers! Laura Z.

  2. the l word says:

    but what about the fact that she’s uttered “the l word” with dude #3???

    funny links, by the way! i can visualize baby carrot dick vs. mozzarella log dick, pencil eraser nipples vs. tortilla nipple very clearly now. thanks!!

  3. Tammy Pajamas says:

    I used to live in perpetual fear of unearthing a small penis. It’s not that I have such a big problem with small penises, it’s that I have the worst poker face on the planet. So it was more about hurting the guy (because, let’s face it, a tiny penis would be kind of a shock) than about getting down with a small penis. But then I came across one and realized that one generally discovers penis size with their hands, while their face is busy making out, so it was all ok (except the guy was an asshole).

    And yes, I would be concerned that the LW is in love with Dude #3. And she refers to him as better for her than #2, which is also weird.

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