Dudefile #98 – He’s Not Giving Back in the Sack

Dear DW,

I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 5 months now and it has been great. We have the same interests and humour so we get on quite well.

But lately our relationship has been a bit of a downhill ride. When we started going out the sex was great and felt like we were both making an effort to fulfill each other’s needs. Nowadays it feels like I am still putting in the same amount of effort, but not receiving anything back.

Where’ve tried different positions, toys and I’ve even tried guiding him in the right direction but it still feels like it’s all about him and his needs. When he’s done that’s it! and I’m getting over it. How do I kick start things again?

Should I bring up how I feel and, if so, how do I bring it up without taking away his manhood?

Any advice will be helpful.

Thanks Dude Whisperer!


Downhill Ride


Hi DR,

Two things are at play here. They are both very typical to dudes and neither will magically correct itself if you don’t take action.

1) Many dudes think they are waaaay better at sex than they are. Yours probably has absolutely no idea you so unsatisfied. He’s just thinking, “Sweet Jesus! New positions! Toys! Jackpot!” And then he’s thinking, “MMmkjasbdfebiBBBBjfklnnnnnnnb!” as he releases the Kraken, and then he’s thinking, “What a great time we just had!” as he rolls over to sleep. To him, the sex appears to be escalating in dramatics. He has no idea you are sick of this cycle.

2) Dudes do not read hints. They are literal. If you say, “I need milk from the store,” a dude will get you milk from the store. If you wanted him to surprise you by bringing back chocolate and strawberries, too, it’s useless to be disappointed because the dude has not the wee slightest clue about falling short. Likewise, if you are guiding him to a specific sexual maneuver, the dude is most likely doing the maneuver to the best of his ability. Hopefully with some gusto. If by “guiding him in the right direction,” however, you mean that you are sorta nudging a little this way sometimes and expecting him to intuit what that gesture means in a more general sense and develop a whole new way of making love to you? Well, it’s gonna be a longass wait.

So, what to do? Be specific and explicit.

Now, you might find it might mildly unsatisfying to that you have to give out vagina instructions instead of the dude figuring things out for himself. And, because it’s unsatisfying to you, you might assume a dude feels the same way and will be insulted when you give him the lowdown on the go-down. But dudes don’t give a shit. As long as you don’t get all drill sergeant on his ass and tell him his hapless peckerwielding is the sorriest, least satisfying penetration you’ve had since your last flu shot, he’ll be fine.

A tip? Couch things in terms of the positive, the curious, the adventurous, and the new. If you start a thought with, “You know what would be hot?” a dude will try just about whatever comes next. If you say, “You know what I’ve always wanted to try?” the last thing he’s thinking is that you’re pooh-poohing the usual routine. See, if a dude understands you’re gonna get off on something, a roadmap is always welcome. He doesn’t care if it’s sucking your toes or slapping your tush or covering you in seven and a half gallons of butterscotch pudding. And remember, if you’re already In The Moment and he’s got a tungsten plated boner, the last thing on the fucking planet he’s doing is parsing your grammar and tone of voice.  Just spit out what you want and get into position.

The point is, dudes like to feel like they can get you off, even at times when the evidence might appear to be contrary. Even if you put the egalitarian reasons aside, making you shimmy with pleasure feeds a dude’s misguided belief that he is the Most Outstanding Sex Champion Maximus of the Universe and Beyond, a title that, sadly for them, clearly belongs to the DW alone. So don’t just guide, tell. Show. Tell some more. Show some more. Be specific. More specific. To the left. No, right here. Yes. Oh, there you go. Now that finger. A little slower. Oh shit. Like that. Like that. Likethatlikethatlikethat. Yes! Don’t you god damn stop, you motherfucker! A little more. Good! Good god! Holy fuck!  Fadsfsgmmmmfkajff!!!!

And you know what? If it turns out the problem isn’t just some innocent miscommunication and ineptitude and your dude really doesn’t give a shit about your needs, you may be dating a selfish asshole and it may be time to move on. Sexual compatibility is no joke. Life is too short to keep dealing out top notch orgasms and get bullshit effort back. If this is the kind of thing he gets all me me me about, you can expect there will be plenty of other situations in which you find yourself on the short end of the exchange, as well. 

Here’s to forthrightness, fun, and a boost to both your confidence and his.


the DW

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