A Quickie for June 20th

What’s the DW doing today? He’s guesting on romance author Delaney Diamond’s blog, that’s what he’s doing. Link is right here. Swing on by and say hi. The DW will be interacting with comments and it should be a lot of fun. Word has it, Delaney might even be giving away some romance novels from her personal collection, so you can get some genius and some sexxxy. Can’t lose. In fact, the DW’s getting a semi just thinking about it.

New DW post right here tomorrow.

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Dudefile #93 – He Promised!

Dear DW,

About a year ago I received a Facebook friendship request from someone I knew 4 years ago (and tried very hard to date me, although I was in a relationship at the time and I didn’t pursue). No longer in that relationship, I was excited to hear from him and began emailing through Facebook.

I was traveling quite a bit in the first few months of chatting so we ended up getting together last Fall for dinner and had a great time! From that point on, our “relationship” was very scattered, both having super busy schedules, but always keeping in touch via text/phone and seeing each other at random.

Every time we see each other there’s always a huge hug and a lot of smiles. When I’m with him, I feel amazing and we have such a great time. I felt that he was completely interested and genuinely happy when he was with me. Especially since he would say on many occasions that he was so happy to have found me again and that he has never stopped thinking about me all these years. 

Unfortunately, the moment we would part, I would question his intentions immensely because his schedule always took precedence and our time together was always very random and spur of the moment. Our first and second date had about 3 weeks between them yet we spoke almost every day. When I asked him if he wanted to see me again, his response was “of course I do, you never have to question that about me.”

January comes around, I see him upon returning from being away for the back half of December and then he basically drops off the face of the earth. I reach out to him via text and leave him a casual voice mail saying hello, with no response. I decide to write an email asking what happened and that if he wasn’t interested to just let me know, that we were friends and he could just be honest with me. No response whatsoever.

March comes around, with no communication (except of course him “liking” my status every other post and even commenting on my Facebook page here and there) until I break my foot at the gym.  

He’s a trainer (we met at the gym) and so I suppose he felt compelled to reach out and ask me how I was doing and what happened. His response to me asking, “What happened to you?” was essentially telling me that he got scared. Amongst multiple responses, one being “that’s a shame”, I felt good about telling him what I needed to and assumed that would be that. We then began to have more frequent conversations, all initiated by him, and then start seeing each other again.

The first time we saw each other again, I had a conversation with him about what happened and he PROMISED that he would never drop off the face of the earth again. In that conversation, I thought I made it clear that all I really want from him at this point is to just be honest and tell me if you’re done rather than just disappearing again. Well, a week ago Tuesday he disappeared again. The Tuesday after a Monday night together, where we had such an amazing night and he looked me straight in the face and told me he wouldn’t ever drop off the face of the earth again…right before he called me Princess and snuggled up to me all night.  Again, he PROMISED.

He left on Tuesday, we spoke that afternoon…and then his phone mysteriously no longer accepts incoming phone calls (and I called from multiple places in case he just blocked my number or something for some reason).

Oh, and I forgot to tell you that he removed himself from Facebook about a month ago and when I asked him about it, he said he just was over it. We’ve never actually emailed through the regular channels since we went right from Facebook email to the phone, so I have literally no way of communicating with him. I have NO idea what happened. I have always thought of myself as a pretty good judge of character and honestly didn’t think he could lie to my face like that on multiple occasions. 

I just don’t get it and can’t stop thinking about it, morning noon and night. My friend sent me your information and thought why not see if you have any insight on the matter.

From…PROMISED OUT!

Hi PO,

So, Brazil and Holland played a soccer match the other day. Who cares, right? Not 99.6% of America. But if you live in Brazil, this was front page news. The crowd was huge and loud. The hype was intense. Kind of like the Super Bowl is in your town. You know, the same Super Bowl that Brazilians couldn’t give a shit about.

In other words, people can care wildly more or less about the same thing. And this dude was clearly less invested in your potential as a couple than you from the get-go. Every step of the way, he’s kind of been mailing it in. Sure, when you’re together he seems charming and engaged. That’s easy. But when you weren’t literally standing in front of him, the dude acted like someone who was relieved his boss left the office for a meeting so he could surf sports blogs and steal some pens.  

 And you kind of picked up on this. And then the dude disappeared. 

Now, in a perfect world, this is where the story would have ended. You get the run-around from a flaky cheeseball trainer guy, dating thingy over, you both move on. You, to a better dude. Him, presumably to nailing everything that moves at the gym for the next seven years followed by a slow decline into that guy you see in the frozen foods aisle late at night who doesn’t quite realize the glory days have passed and that his guns are no longer loaded and his shorts are too short and his t-shirt is too tight on his belly and it’s a little too late in life to have frosted tips and lines shaved into his eyebrow.

You are apparently an optimistic soul, however, and so we got round two of the trainer after you break your foot. But here’s the thing. You’re still watching the soccer match from Brazil and he’s still watching it from America. Big deal, minor deal. Same old, same old. If anything, his lazy, craptacularly unresponsive behavior has been reinforced. What he’s learned is that no matter how long he goes away and no matter how shitty the reasons, you’ll still talk to him when he comes back.

So why did he contact you in the first place? Why contact you again? What does he want? Well, part of the equation is always your hoohoo, right? Specifically, him getting to pull down your yoga pants and fuck it. But you know that. The greater reason is that this dude is probably a flake in general. He’s learned, either consciously or not, that being a pretty trainer dude who says charming, confident bullshit like “you never have to question that about me” will get him a lot of things he wants. Like new training clients. Or an extra boost at Jamba Juice. Or blown. Or whatever. Why not contact a cute chick? What’s to lose? Doesn’t necessarily mean he’s diabolical or even had any kind of plan at all. He may just be somewhere in that all too overpopulated territory between oblivious and entitled. The DW has known plenty of flakey dicks who thought of themselves as smooth operatin’ sweethearts. 

Which means that the answer to, “What Happened?” is, “The same thing over and over.” There was nothing that really changed. No trigger point where a good thing went bad. This dude was remarkably consistently erratic all along. 

The better question is what to take away from this. It would be tempting to let the lesson be Don’t Believe Anything A Dude Says Because They’re All Liars, but that would make for a miserable life where you would never trust anyone and your relationships would be doomed to contentiousness and acrimony. And it’s not true, anyway. The DW would suggest however, that you check your next dude’s actions against his deeds. If they don’t match up, start getting seriously skeptical. Immediately. Promising and not delivering is a trait that shows up early and often and is highly unlikely to change.

Here’s to your next dude not being a trainer, a job that, based on multiple reader letters, is now on the Official Dude Whisperer Says Look The Fuck Out! List Of Suspicious Vocations along with bartender, musician, and super rich guy. 

Best,

the DW

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A Quickie for June 5th

Quick in, quick out. Genius!

Anonymous via Twitter asks: Did you really meet the Wifey online? I don’t know anybody who’s had an online relationship work out. Lots of horror stories.

@dudewhisperer says: Your friends may have dated the DW’s friends. But yes, we really met online. Online dating profiles can be great filters if you let them.

Anonymous via email asks: OMG! Why do you have to be taken? Will the Wifey share? Can you ask her?

thedudewhisperer@yahoo.com says: She will not. And she says that, although she is, um, flattered or something, you best bring a Qaddafi style squad of hot chick bodyguards if you come within so much as 39 miles of Alameda County, California.  

(Got a quick question that only requires a quick response? Wanna tweet a question and get a tweet answer? This is the place for you. Write the DW and he’ll give you a Quickie.)

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Dudefile #92 – I Flirted, He Didn’t Call. What Gives?

Hey Dude,

A few weekends ago, I was at this bar/restaurant for brunch and I saw a cute boy walk in. I’m terrible at maintaining eye contact and/or smiling at cute boys (so terrifying!), so I probably looked at him and looked away quickly. He joined his friends at the table behind me, in the chair with its back to mine. In pulling out his chair, it got locked to mine, which I pointed out to him when his chair wrestling wasn’t getting him anywhere.

Me: Our chairs are hooked together.
Him: Oh, we were destined to be.

I should note here that I was giddy inside at that moment, not because I thought he meant it or believed it, but because this was a clear sign of flirting (right????). We talked a little and then I turned back around.

A little while later, I went to the bathroom and made myself look at him and smile when I came back (sooooo hard for me, but I did it! Yay!). He took the hint and started talking to me again. We chatted a little. I talked to his friend (“B”) and realized that we have a friend in common that lives on the other side of the country (“P”). Small world.

So, the boy and I keep talking but I start feeling a little self-conscious/rude because I have my back to my table and was flirting with a guy in front of my brother and a bunch of guys that are like brothers to me (every male at the table was with his GF/wife). So, I turned back around (away from him). I had in my head that I was definitely going to give him my number and was trying to think of smooth ways to do this. While I was thinking, he and his friends got up and left! He said goodbye and shook my hand (weird?) and that was that. “Crap, I missed my moment!” I thought, and then started mentally composing a Missed Connection. But who knows if he reads those, right?

And then I grew a pair! (not literally.) I texted P and got B’s number and then texted B and asked him to pass along my number to cute boy. He responded and said he would.

And then cute boy never called. What gives?!? I get idle flirting, but his seemed a little bit more intense or, I dunno, direct? So it seems weird to not get a response. They were with two girls, one a lesbian (yes, I’m basing that on stereotypes) and one that I assumed was B’s girlfriend, so I don’t think B was cockblocking.

That’s it! Please explain what happened there.

Thanks, Dude!

— First Foray Into Real Flirting Gone Wrong

 

Hi FFIRFGW,

So, the dude never called.

There are a million possible reasons. Maybe he’s too shy. Maybe he’s moving to Portland in four days. Maybe he just broke up with his GF of nine years and is a good six to fourteen months from being able to consider dating seriously again. Maybe your friend never got him the number. Maybe somehow he got the impression you wanted to contact him to help him move a couch, not thump the cushions of one. Maybe he has an extreme fetish for huge, tanned boobs. Or tiny freckled boobs. Whichever you don’t happen to have. Maybe later that day he robbed a bank with a mask of Richard Nixon and is currently on the run/searching for the biggest waves in the world like Bodhi in Point Break.

Maybe, Maybe, Maybe.

In other words, who knows? Not even the DW can decode from this little amount of info, and he’s a self-certified genius. What he can tell you, though, is that this looks like a classic Half Full or Half Empty kind of situation.

Meaning, one way to look at your encounter (the way you seem to be looking at it) is that you stuck your neck out to flirt with a cute boy in a way you usually find yourself unable to do. What’s your reward? Dude, you got totally rejected! Now you’re confused and bummed out and you’re wondering whether it’s worth it to try to act like all these irrationally confident bitches who walk around in their gladiator sandals and spray-on shorts that show bottom cheek and act like they’re the Queen of Titslandia even though they’re super average looking underneath all that glittery makeup because if that’s what it takes to get a cute dude you lock chairs with in a restaurant to call you back then the whole unseemly stew of these jerks can go fuck each other and make stupid babies for themselves. Dicks.

Okay. Actually, to your credit you didn’t get bitter like that at all. But the DW gets the impulse to go Half Empty. It was his least favorite part about being single to work up a decent flirt and then just have to stand there like an eager dork waiting to be judged worthy of flirtation reciprocation. (Flirtation Reciprocation, of course, also being the name of the DW’s as of yet unreleased re-recording of 70s soul classics. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard the DW lay down some sweet Al Green.) It’s hard to stick your neck out and flirt, especially when the word that comes to mind is “terrifying” rather than something like “exhilarating.” And when you finally build up the courage to smile and chat with a cute boy right there in front of your brother and everything are not rewarded with the reaction you were hoping for, well, it’s natural to use that as an excuse to go back to not flirting. Not flirting feels a shitload easier. If you don’t flirt, you can’t get rejected. And not being rejected has its advantages.

But here’s the thing. Not being rejected doesn’t feel better in the long run because nobody finds a decent partner without getting shot down first. Numerous times. And really, was this even rejection? The Half Full view of The Tale of The Cute Boy in the Restaurant is that you overcame a fear, and it worked. You talked with a cute boy, he talked with you, you got a good enough vibe to pass on your phone number- Bing, Bang, Boom! Great afternoon!

True, this dude didn’t show up on your lawn twenty minutes later with 101 roses, first class tickets to Paris, original poetry, a puppy, and a vintage boombox blaring Peter Gabriel songs. Life, alas, doesn’t work that way.

What you did get, though, was hard, irrefutable evidence that when you flirt with a cute boy, nobody is going to make a poop face or yell “For the love of God, no!” or scratch a record needle and bring the whole restaurant to a stop. In fact, it was totally, utterly, completely normal. You are better at flirting than you think and clearly flirtworthy in return. It was a nice little moment that felt good, to both you and the dude. You should feel more confident in your moves the next time a cute dude comes your way and let your flirt flag fly.

And in that sense, your first foray went very much the opposite of Wrong, right?

Here’s to less terrifying, more exhilarating.

Best,

the DW

PS- Glad you didn’t literally grow balls.

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Dudefile #91 – The Origin Story

Dear DW,

The first week of March, a few of my friends and I went down to Panama City Beach for a week.  The thursday of the week, at a bar, I met this guy named Rob and we danced and talked for a couple hours. In PCB, the bars close at 4 AM. Around 2:30, he ended up leaving and we exchanged numbers and he told me that I better text him on Friday. 

Well, he ended up texting me all Thursday night after he left telling me he wishes I wasn’t leaving and he wanted me to stay. Friday rolls along. We texted throughout the day, and then my friends and his friends met up on Friday night at a different bar. Well, Rob and I just drank and sat around the pool to talk.  He introduced me to all of his friends, one by one. When Rob and I were talking he told me about his past, how he’s in the air force, lives in Alabama. Rob told me about his divorce and step daughter. It sounds weird, but Rob and I just clicked and connected well. 

I ended up drinking too much and I went in a phase where I can’t talk and am completely dead weight. When I’m in this state, I can still hear people talking.  More of his friends came and wanted him to get a drink. Rob tried to wake me up, but couldn’t. He ended up leaving me by the pool alone. Long story short, my friends found me, and took me home.

I texted Rob the next day and asked him why he left me and he never responded.

Almost 2 months later, I texted Rob the other day to see if he was ok after all the storms in Alabama.  Surprisingly, he texted me back about one minute later and said he was ok. We have been texting and facebooking non-stop. I asked him why he left me and never texted me back the next day and he told me that he came back for me after getting his drink and I was gone. And then he broke his phone the next day playing golf. He told me he’s really happy that I ended up texting him. So, for the past couple days we have been talking non-stop. He texts me first in the AM saying “morning” and from there on out, it’s all friendly talk. He asked me when I was going to PCB again. I told him maybe July, and he told me he would come down to see me. From there on out, we have been talking about me going to Alabama to see him. Rob tells me he wants to see me, that he has liked me since we first met, believes in fate, and that we connected. I definitely agree with him. He sends me pictures (not dirty ones) and I send him some (also not dirty).

I told my sister and sister-in-law about him and they got mad and pretty much told me I was stupid. My mom knows of Rob, but doesn’t know the whole story.

And this morning, after I woke up, I was looking at flight prices for if/when I go see him. 

I know, you’re probably thinking, he’s a guy, he’s going to say stuff to get my attention. But, honestly, it’s hard to describe the way I felt when I was sitting next to him talking back in March. And how he introduced me to all of his friends…

What should I do? Does fate really exist?

-Sweet Home Alabama 


Hi SHA,

One key to a great superhero is a great Origin Story. Spiderman was bitten by a radioactive spider. Iron Man is a fucked up supersuit made by a rich spoiled brat genius. Even a second tier superhero like Thor is a Norse god with General Hospital caliber family drama. (You should check out the new Thor movie, by the way. Surprisingly entertaining schlock.)

Good relationships tend to have a good origin story, too. Granted, they’re stories with a lot fewer Gamma Rays, but there is usually a little funny coincidence, or a great joke, or some kind of memorable and disarming detail like stepping on the world’s third largest wad of gum or ordering the wrong thing off the menu or getting shat upon by a pigeon. The DW and The Wifey’s first date, for instance, involved a Han Solo bookmark and a Mormon pie contest trophy. 

So, you’ll forgive the DW if he’s not seeing the poetry in a drunken 48 hours in Panama City. The DW’s been to Panama City. The only origin stories coming out of there are ones like The Time I Threw Up In An Ice Machine, I Think I Might Have Tried Anal Sex Last Night Or At Least I Hope So Because My Butthole Is On Fire, That One Time I Heard “Freebird” in Seven Different Bars, and How I Ended Up On A Fishing Boat For Thirteen Months With A Dude Named Duke. 

Let’s go over the facts. When you thought you had a connection with Rob was during an evening in which you later passed out cold by a bar swimming pool. Rob left you by the pool to be found by your friends. You tried to contact Rob the next day and he did not return your texts. Rob is military, divorced with a child, and from another state. In related news, Reese Witherspoon will not be attaching herself to the film version of these events.

And from there, Rob really hasn’t done anything that requires effort. Text is easy. Facebook is easy. You contact him and he responds. The DW would bet $819.42 that this dude will never travel to your home town the way you are planning to fly to his. Try not writing him back for a week and see if he shoots one text trying to track you down or if he mysteriously breaks another phone playing golf. 

Honestly, the way this reads to the DW is that Rob was a dude on the prowl for some Panama City panty candy, but you got too drunk to fuck him so he stopped putting out any more effort in your direction. Then, you contact him out of the blue a few months later, basically announcing that you’ll still fuck him even though he gave you a truly lame excuse for leaving you by the pool and ignoring you afterwards, and he figures, “What the hell?” It’s like you’re Thor, falling from the sky out of nothingness. Only instead of a beefy blonde dude with questionable acting skills, a huge hammer, and a testy relationship with Anthony Hopkins, you’re a chick with sweet, available boobies who doesn’t require a whole lot of attention. 

Look, is it possible Rob is a great dude with excellent intentions and that you can overcome the difficulties of a long distance relationship and that you won’t have serious issues with his ex-wife or his child and that you can adjust to being a with a dude who’s in the military? Sure. It’s possible. But the story so far doesn’t point to any of those being the likely next chapter.

Here’s to looking for a beautiful beginning if you want a beautiful middle and end.

Best,

the DW

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Dudefile #90 – The Dude Who Said “Gay” as an Insult

Hi DW,

I love your advice, and have found it to be incredibly awesome in the past. I’m hoping you can help me out.

I have a guy pal that I spend a lot of time with. We’re in the same academic program, so we’re together basically 9-5 every weekday, and a lot of extra time when we’re studying etc. The dude is a great guy, funny, wicked smart, and generally a very kind person.

So the issue: I’m a lesbian, and while I know the dude is totally okay with having a butchy gal pal, he has slipped up a few times and dropped the “that’s so gay” insult. The first time I just let it slide, because while it’s a sh1tty thing to say, I’m not gonna go all angry-lesbo on him for one slip of the tongue. Then like, a week later, he says it again! This time, it merited a raised eyebrow and a “really, dude?” response on my part. It bothered me a lot and made me regret not saying something the first time.  I feel like I can’t say anything more about it now because time has passed and it’s a relatively minor thing, but I find myself being kind of bothered that he would think that’s okay. Because, obviously, I’m gay. And he’s my friend. And now I feel a little weird around him.

He hasn’t said anything like that since, so my question, DW, is this: did my understated response get the message across? Do I just forgive and forget?  Help me understand the dude.

Thanks,
A Hurt Friend of a Dude

 

Hi AHFoaD,

The DW has definitely noticed an uptick in casual usage of “gay” or “fag” as an insult or criticism by people who are otherwise nice, rational folks. Also “retarded.” The argument for using the gay and retarded insults is that, “they don’t mean what they used to.” Or sometimes it’s almost a way to brag about how, like, totally down you are with your gay friends that you can toss out words like “fag” in some kind of ironic, “you know I would never say that for reals, yo,” kind of way. Or that the generation coming up is much more socially enlightened across the board and, therefore, more comfortable talking frankly about topics like race and sexual orientation and less bound by political correctness. 

But here’s all the DW knows for sure. He’s never heard the parent of an autistic child casually tell a coworker, “Don’t be so retarded.” And he’s never heard a gay man insult someone by saying, “That’s so gay.” It’s just lazy and weird. Seriously, if you’re not intending to be a bigot with your words of choice, is it so hard to just call someone an asshole? Has “shithead” really lost any potency? Fuckface? Turdsnacker? The non-bigot alternatives are all around you, Ballcheese.

Anyway, you knew all this. The question is, what do you do now? 

Here’s where we’re at. You sent a message to a dude you think is overall a pretty solid cat. His behavior has changed, so we can assume that he received your message. What we don’t know is how. It could be anywhere from 1) Oh, crap. I had no idea what I was saying. I’m a changed dude and I feel like a dick and that “gay” shit is gone from my vocab forevs! to 2) Sheesh! What’s her prob? Mental note- No more “gay” in front of Miss Uptighty-whities!

Chances are, if your friend is as decent as you think he’s a lot closer to 1). What the DW suspects happens to people like your dude friend is that they simply just get caught up in a linguistic trend and don’t even fully consciously hear what’s coming out of their mouths until someone calls them on it the way you did and offers a little wake-up call. The DW bets your dude has owned his words and changed his ways, probably a little more embarrassed with himself than you realize.

If you still feel uncomfortable around him, though, and feel like you want to check in on the topic of “gay” again to make sure he understand what you objected to and why, the DW thinks you’d be well within your bounds. He started the weirdness. He can handle you bringing it up again and talking it out. Truly decent dudes often feel a little relieved when people give them a chance to have a conversation, offer an apology, and get to the heart of what went down. He might even have a ton of questions for you about gayness that he didn’t know how to bring up before. Dudes aren’t always good at bringing up personal or intimate topics, even when they’d like to. Especially if it involves a dude admitting failure or shame.

And, of course, the flip side of all this is that if the dude can’t handle a little chat about something this important to you, he can go fuck himself. Which, ironically, might technically be considered gay.

Here’s to you and your straight dude friend getting back to normal.

Best,

the DW

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Dudefile #89 – The Formerly Polyamorous Dude

Dear Dude Whisperer,

I met Don at a mutual friend’s party. He friended me on Facebook , we met up once, and after a couple initial communication hiccups we start seeing each other once a week, including some 12-hour dates and sleepovers. We have laughs, good conversation, amiable companionship and good physical attraction, although I had been celibate for a while and was a little uncomfortable at first. He tells the mutual friend he really digs me, he is being very sweet, and I am happy with all thus far.

Then Don tells me he is polyamorous with one primary and one other woman he is sleeping with. I deal with all this as he simply told the truth about ‘playing the field’ or ‘polyamory’ if you wish. I am not psyched about it, and he described himself as having had monogamous relationships in the past, that his ex-girlfriend proposed polyamory towards the end of their dying relationship, so he kind of fell into it, and would probably be monogamous with the right woman again.

So, I take the position that we will have fun while it lasts, and if I feel I will get hurt too much, then I will need to end the relationship even I feel we have some potential. I tell Don that I can like him, and do like him, and we can date and have safe sex, but that I cannot care for him as long as he is polyamorous.  

I go on vacation for one week, come back and make plans to see him. He tells me he has made a decision he needs to tell me about: that he is going to be monogamous with one of the poly-women he has been with this past year. Now, he told me he was poly-dating, he never told me that he had deep feelings for one of them. He said they had each proposed monogamy but he did not commit before now – no reasons given to me – then she became upset and there was drama and tears and that he has made the decision to be monogamous.

He was weepy telling me, he said he felt awful, he hated breaking off our romance (his words) but that he thinks he made the right decision.

I know there are several unknowns, e.g., did Don tell her about me and that is why she became upset now? Is this monogamy to save a dying polyamorous relationship?

He said that my telling him I like him but cannot care for him helped lead him to this decision. My issue is that I never made it clear to him how much I do like him, and that I thought we had a good thing that may have had the potential to be great. That I only meant to protect my feelings if he was still seeing other people.

If he came to the decision to be with me only, then I would have been happy with that. I mean, he cut me off pretty early on here – I want my fair share!

So, do I reach out to make my feelings known now, just for my own self-expression?

Is it desperate of me to contact him? Do I accept that he made his decision regardless of new feelings he had for me, or I could have for him? That if he wanted to be monogamous, then he committed to a woman he knows and loves already, rather than taking a chance with me? Is she just better in bed? Why did he not tell me he felt so strongly about one woman? Do I put that down to a lot of confusion on his part, that polyamory is just too complicated?

 Any insight you have will be very appreciated.

 Thank you, Dude Whisperer!

 NS

Hi NS,

 Thanks for writing!

When the DW and his brother go to the movie store, they often get that rental brainlock where you can’t decide between six movies and you end up standing there staring a hole in the covers of Timecop and Con Air as if there’s really any difference. The solution they use is to have the DW’s brother hold the six movies behind his back, shuffle them, and then pull one out of the pile and say, “This is the movie we’re watching tonight.”

If the DW and his brother both say, “Good!” then that’s the one they go home with. If they both go, “Eh,” then that movie is put aside and the shuffle is done again without it.

Now, this isn’t meant to compare you to shitty, accidentally hilarious action movies, but it is suggesting that the dynamic you caused with your condition of monogamy was the same as the movie shuffle. Namely, you forced a decision point.

All of a sudden Mr. I’m Boning Everybody has to choose- Your Vagina or All The Rest Of The Vaginas In The World. Which probably sparks his other ladyfriends to ask him to make the same choice. Frankly, the DW would have expected Don to choose none of the current ladies in favor of All The Rest Of The Vaginas In The World, but he took a zag instead of a zig and went full-time with one of his other main squeezes.

Here’s the thing about that, though. Probably the best thing for you. Is Don in any way what you really want? Or is the sting you feel just about having him choose someone over you?

Just the way you two approach sex says a lot about your differences, right? You- Always monogamous, recently celibate. Don- Fucking everybody. We don’t have to get into the difficulties and impracticalities of either approach. The point is that they are on such different ends of the spectrum they are bound to be indicative of other ideas you have about life, too. If a yacht rock fan wanted to date a metalhead, you’d think they’d have to sort out a few more natural differences that whether or not to put Christopher Cross or Celtic Frost on an iPod playlist, no? Is it possible they’d be a match? Always. Obvious natural fit? Not so much. Same thing here.

Also, forget the potential differences and negatives, what does Don really have to offer in terms of positives? You said a few run of the mill nice things about him, but there’s no tone of holyshitIneedthatfuckingman! in your note that implies he gave you something unique or swoonworthy or penetratingly heartfelt or irreplacibly cute or anything else that makes it worth all your hand wringing over losing him. The world is stuffed impossibly full of dudes like the one you describe, only they aren’t expecting you to be okay with having their dongs in a different mouth every night.

Anyway, look. Don’t contact the guy. The DW is not a huge fan of doing things for “your own self-expression.” There’s all the fucking self-expression a dude can handle in 2011 as it is. And in a more practical sense, you’re not going to change Don’s mind or make yourself look more desirable or whatever positive result you might suppose would come out of it, anyway. You might think it will make you feel better, but the DW has found that going back for more from the person that rejected you tends not to turn out so well. Pretty much ever.

As for the rest of your questions- why did Don choose the other lady? what happened to his polyamory and now he’s all monogomous and shit? is the other woman better in bed?– the DW doesn’t mean to be flip when he says this, but it doesn’t matter and you’re never going to know. It’s like trying to figure out who the fuck bought all those Barbra Streisand records in the 70s or why people thought fashionponchos suddenly looked really awesome six years ago. Some things just Are and you’re better off spending your time moving forward and forgetting about it. Don chose, it’s out of your hands, move on. 

Honestly, the DW thinks you dodged a (likely STD riddled) Don bullet on this one. Sure, it stings to be passed over for another set of boobies, and the DW feels for you in the moment, but there was a neverending stream of drama and nonsense on the horizon with this dude. And now you don’t have to be a part of it.

Here’s to finding yourself another nice Don who’s not already fucking everybody. 

Best,

the DW

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