Dear Dude Whisperer,
First off, let me say that I find your site interesting and sometimes hilarious. Now down to the business at hand.
I met a woman about a year ago, we were both in bad marriages. We talked about our respective marriages with open minds, giving each other advice that would come from atrue friend, not someone who is trying to get in your pants. Over the course of the year we have both gotten divorced.
Up to this point, I never really saw us getting together. She is my best friend, we talk on the phone for hours at a time, we are both in the same profession, like the same things, think the same way, and have more fun than should be legally allowed when we are together. She has told me that there are a couple of guys that have caught her eye, and that one even makes her heart melt when she hears his voice.
At this point I start thinking long term. I have spoken to her mother on the phone, as has one of the other guys who has her attention. Her mother asked her if the other guy was “slow”. My friend explained it away saying the guy was real country with the whole country accent and all, but her mother told her that she really liked me and now when they talk, her mother tells her to let me know that she sends her love.
The other night, we went to dinner as friends, as is our usual Sunday ritual. We then went back to her place for drinks and pool. During pool, she began kissing my neck while I was trying to make pool shots, placed her breasts in my face while I made shots, among other things. At one point, we actually made out and were at the point that sex was inevitable.
We both stopped, me saying that I did not want it to happen like this, meaning while she was intoxicated, and her saying that the friendship we have meant more to her than anything and that she could not imagine her life without me, but that she was not willing to roll the dice and take the risk of losing me. I am somewhat confused. What does she want?
Do I formally throw my hat in the ring as a contender for her love or just let things fall as they may and see what happens? By the way, her current choice, the country guy, doesn’t treat her with the respect she deserves and will never be able to compete with me in that area or take care of her financially the way I can. AGAIN, WHAT TO DO?
Hi there ME,
Boy does the DW feel your pain on this one. There’s nothing quite like the nutkicked feeling that you’re losing a woman’s affection to a dude who really, really doesn’t seem worthy. I mean, you can see this dude’s all hat and no cattle, right? So why in the name of John Wayne can’t she? Then your frustrated mind goes and exaggerates the guy into a dimwitted broke-ass bumpkin and things just look and feel worse.
And sure, there probably is a lot of truth to Mr. Country Fried Steak not being the right fella, but the DW thinks a couple other things might be going on, too.
Firstly, you and your gal probably don’t know how to truly think of the other in an uncluttered way right now. Maybe you love her, or maybe you’re falling for her a little out of relief and proximity. I mean, after the craptacular process of divorce, the gal could have Nanny McPhee teeth and a third arm coming out of her ass and compare favorably to recent history. The fact that she’s nice and fun and right fucking there makes her Grace Park and Adriana Lima rolled together.
Secondly, it’s hard for you and the gal to know what to do in a relationship right now, not just with each other, but with anybody. After something like a divorce, a dumping, a cheating, or any ol’ bruise to the heart, you kinda need to go a little buck wild, as the DW has discussed before. Have a fling, climb a mountain, punch a wall, train a monkey, make macaroni art, have another sweatier fling- whatever it takes to reset your mind a little.
And this gal might already be in buck wild/ reset mode. She might be eminently aware that this Marlboro Man dude is dumb as a bag of hammers. This could be her Bad Boy (see Dudefile #60) with boots and chaw in place of tats and smokes and all she wants is a couple go-rounds at the Big Dumb Thick Cock Rodeo before settling back into real life and dealing head-on with shit like how much more an electric bill feels like on a single income and how hard it is to make yourself emotionally vulnerable again.
All that said, to answer your question, “What to do?” the DW can tell you this. He is almost always in favor of honesty and direct communication. Now, if you throw your hat in the ring is there just as much of a chance this woman will run away as move closer? You bet. In fact, the DW suspects the chances she’s long ago monogrammed a sweater for you with a capital F for Friend are pretty high. Despite all your fun and chatting and poolboobs, the pullback and confused feelings seem more in the land of bonding and hugs than white hot buttonripping fucksparks.
But here’s the thing. You should toss it in there anyway. You and the DW, and maybe even your friend, have no idea for sure if you two can date yet, but at least the subject will be on the table if you put it there. The ambiguity will have to be dealt with. Maybe you start dating right away, maybe she gives you the Heisman, or maybe you agree on some middle ground where you can ask her out in exactly one year once you’ve both had a little time to adjust to life as singles.
And hey- who knows? Maybe this is one of those things where dudes wildly misread women and your friend has been telling you all about Joe Countryass just to see if you’ll be prodded to get off your butt, take her on a proper date, and try to put your two ball in her corner pocket already. Whatever the result, though, you’ll be on a path to moving forward or moving on.
Now, as for your question, “What does she want?” the DW is not qualified to answer. As he has said many times, part of his genius is knowing his limitations well enough not to pretend to understand women. The Wifey, in fact, read your email and said flatly, “He should not ask her out.” Which, as you may have noticed, is directly opposite of the DW’s opinion.
And so, sexy readers of the fairer sex, the DW asks you on ME’s behalf, “What does this woman want?” Leave a comment and let ME and the DW in on some ladythoughts.
Best of luck, ME. Here’s to confidently, but kindly and calmly broaching the subject.