Ladyfile #1 – What Does She Want?

Dear Dude Whisperer,

First off, let me say that I find your site interesting and sometimes hilarious. Now down to the business at hand.

I met a woman about a year ago, we were both in bad marriages. We talked about our respective marriages with open minds, giving each other advice that would come from atrue friend, not someone who is trying to get in your pants. Over the course of the year we have both gotten divorced.

Up to this point, I never really saw us getting together. She is my best friend, we talk on the phone for hours at a time, we are both in the same profession, like the same things, think the same way, and have more fun than should be legally allowed when we are together. She has told me that there are a couple of guys that have caught her eye, and that one even makes her heart melt when she hears his voice.

At this point I start thinking long term. I have spoken to her mother on the phone, as has one of the other guys who has her attention. Her mother asked her if the other guy was “slow”.  My friend explained it away saying the guy was real country with the whole country accent and all, but her mother told her that she really liked me and now when they talk, her mother tells her to let me know that she sends her love.

The other night, we went to dinner as friends, as is our usual Sunday ritual. We then  went back to her place for drinks and pool. During pool, she began kissing my neck while I was trying to make pool shots, placed her breasts in my face while I made shots, among other things. At one point, we actually made out and were at the point that sex was inevitable.

We both stopped, me saying that I did not want it to happen like this, meaning while she was intoxicated, and her saying that the friendship we have meant more to her than anything and that she could not imagine her life without me, but that she was not willing to roll the dice and take the risk of losing me.  I am somewhat confused. What does she want?

Do I formally throw my hat in the ring as a contender for her love or just let things fall as they may and see what happens? By the way, her current choice, the country guy, doesn’t treat her with the respect she deserves and will never be able to compete with me in that area or take care of her financially the way I can. AGAIN, WHAT TO DO?




Hi there ME,

Boy does the DW feel your pain on this one. There’s nothing quite like the nutkicked feeling that you’re losing a woman’s affection to a dude who really, really doesn’t seem worthy. I mean, you can see this dude’s all hat and no cattle, right? So why in the name of John Wayne can’t she? Then your frustrated mind goes and exaggerates the guy into a dimwitted broke-ass bumpkin and things just look and feel worse.

And sure, there probably is a lot of truth to Mr. Country Fried Steak not being the right fella, but the DW thinks a couple other things might be going on, too.

Firstly, you and your gal probably don’t know how to truly think of the other in an uncluttered way right now. Maybe you love her, or maybe you’re falling for her a little out of relief and proximity. I mean, after the craptacular process of divorce, the gal could have Nanny McPhee teeth and a third arm coming out of her ass and compare favorably to recent history. The fact that she’s nice and fun and right fucking there makes her Grace Park and Adriana Lima rolled together.

Secondly, it’s hard for you and the gal to know what to do in a relationship right now, not just with each other, but with anybody. After something like a divorce, a dumping, a cheating, or any ol’ bruise to the heart, you kinda need to go a little buck wild, as the DW has discussed before. Have a fling, climb a mountain, punch a wall, train a monkey, make macaroni art, have another sweatier fling- whatever it takes to reset your mind a little.

And this gal might already be in buck wild/ reset mode. She might be eminently aware that this Marlboro Man dude is dumb as a bag of hammers. This could be her Bad Boy (see Dudefile #60) with boots and chaw in place of tats and smokes and all she wants is a couple go-rounds at the Big Dumb Thick Cock Rodeo before settling back into real life and dealing head-on with shit like how much more an electric bill feels like on a single income and how hard it is to make yourself emotionally vulnerable again.

All that said, to answer your question, “What to do?” the DW can tell you this. He is almost always in favor of honesty and direct communication. Now, if you throw your hat in the ring is there just as much of a chance this woman will run away as move closer? You bet. In fact, the DW suspects the chances she’s long ago monogrammed a sweater for you with a capital F for Friend are pretty high. Despite all your fun and chatting and poolboobs, the pullback and confused feelings seem more in the land of bonding and hugs than white hot buttonripping fucksparks.

But here’s the thing. You should toss it in there anyway. You and the DW, and maybe even your friend, have no idea for sure if you two can date yet, but at least the subject will be on the table if you put it there. The ambiguity will have to be dealt with.  Maybe you start dating right away, maybe she gives you the Heisman, or maybe you agree on some middle ground where you can ask her out in exactly one year once you’ve both had a little time to adjust to life as singles.

And hey- who knows? Maybe this is one of those things where dudes wildly misread women and your friend has been telling you all about Joe Countryass just to see if you’ll be prodded to get off your butt, take her on a proper date, and try to put your two ball in her corner pocket already. Whatever the result, though, you’ll be on a path to moving forward or moving on.

Now, as for your question, “What does she want?” the DW is not qualified to answer. As he has said many times, part of his genius is knowing his limitations well enough not to pretend to understand women. The Wifey, in fact, read your email and said flatly, “He should not ask her out.” Which, as you may have noticed, is directly opposite of the DW’s opinion.

And so, sexy readers of the fairer sex, the DW asks you on ME’s behalf, “What does this woman want?” Leave a comment and let ME and the DW in on some ladythoughts.

Best of luck, ME. Here’s to confidently, but kindly and calmly broaching the subject.


the DW

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13 Responses to Ladyfile #1 – What Does She Want?

  1. San Diego says:

    I think she wants you, but I think she wants to be wanted more than anything which is why she comes across so confusing. The reality of divorce, and the scene at the pool table, tells me she probably feels rejected and undesirable at her core and is trying various ways to make that pain go away – and that’s not a good place to be in to start a relationship.

    I would be honest with her about your feelings of attraction, confusion, whatever you’re feeling, and see how she reacts. If she’s in a good place emotionally, you’ll be closer because of it and the conversation will show her how a real man behaves. If she’s wounded and vengeful, she’ll probably lash out at you or ridicule you or play the victim card or something, and then I would just back up and take some space and give her room to heal. If she’s playing the push pull game (hot and cold), that will drive you crazy, and so the best thing to do is not get sucked into it. Communicate expectations and give her space and that will show her that you both deserve to be treated with respect. It will be empowering for both of you. That’s my two cents, take it or leave it – but good for you for going to the DW – asking for help feels good.

  2. t8845 says:

    After a divorce (even if you wanted the divorce) you need some time before getting back into a serious relationship. But here’s the thing–when you’re in that spot you are the last one able to see that. Six months out of my divorce I honestly thought I was fine. Looking back on it, I was SO NOT fine but a mish mash of pain, neediness and basketcaseness, rattling around trying to “find” myself. But I was fine. Of course.

    Talk it out a little and stay friends for a while. It might be painful to watch her date some other guy but I almost guarantee you he’s a rebound. You do not want to be rebound guy. Let her go through her stuff with him. You both obviously have a genuine friendship. I think that’s where the best relationships start, but timing can be tricky. Be open, but keep in mind you both have some healing to do before either of you is relationship material. Don’t blow it by being impatient.

    And try to stay away from alcohol infused situations, that will only make the matter worse.

  3. JC says:

    First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DW – YOU ROCK – as always. I agree with you and “San Diego”.

    To M.E.
    She totally wants you. Falling in love with your best friend?!? Come ON, this is the shit movies are made of – it doesn’t get much better than that. If 2 people who are best friends can also find each other physically attractive? Hellllloooo!!! The sexual tension thing is now, clearly OUT THERE. It is NOT going away. It will only get more uncomfortable and end up wrecking your friendship one way or another. You HAVE to step up and go for it. The only reason she backed off is because YOU backed off, she needs to know you REALLY want her in a settle down forever sort of way (if that is what you want and what she wants). I think she’s been giving hints for a while now. We women are notorious for giving what we believe are insanely obvious clues and you men are notorious for not even remotely picking up on them – For example “I kissed his neck and put my boobies in his face – how could he not get that I’m in love with him??” If she didn’t want you she would never pass along her mother’s love – she’d say “OK, Mom” and that would be the end of it. And don’t even get me started on the whole thing about a straight man and a woman being best friends and never thinking about getting naked together…at least one of you has to be thinking it, and if it wasn’t you, it was her. If you sit idly by and do nothing, and she WERE to settle down with some other dude, do you think he’s going to like her gallivanting all over with you all the time? No way! She “can’t imagine her life without you”? well if she’s going to be serious about another dude, she better be able to imagine her life with a vast amount less of you- think about it. Your friendship is hurtling down a course of change – she is either going to settle down w/ another dude and your friendship is going to fade away, or your friendship is going to evolve into the best romantic relationship ever. Step up and take the wheel, Dude! You really have nothing to lose. I say, invite her over for an obviously romantic dinner (candlelight, flowers, etc.) and straight up tell her how you feel – about her, about you two together and about the slow-ass cowboy. And be sure to write the DW about the outcome so he can tell us. Hell, maybe you can get an all-expense paid wedding if it’s televised as a promotion for the DWs new book…

  4. Samantha says:

    It sounds like she has already put her hat in the ring and indicated to you that she is interested. I wouldn’t bet my first born on it but if kissing your neck and putting her breast in your face doesn’t shout “i’m interested” in flashing lights I don’t know what does. M.E. you told her you didn’t want to do any more, granted it was because she was inebriated but dose she know that? Given the circumstances how else could she respond except to agree with you that it was a bad idea?
    As another reader suggested it’s quite possible she feels vulnerable right now…. not exactly conducive to opening up and telling you she wants to be more than friends.
    Anyway, good luck!

    • ME says:

      Thanks for the comment, and as far as her knowing the reason that I did not wish to take it furtherm we have openly discussed it. She agreed that if something like that were to happen there would be alot of potential for regret in the morning. I have sent in an update and there will be another shortly, maybe a couple of weeks. I have some plans and we will see how they work out.

  5. misswells says:

    I agree with San Diego — she definitely wants to feel desirable above all else right now. That’s not to say she isn’t also way into you, Dude, but I’m willing to bet she’s not totally sure what she wants right now, and you may not be either (when did you go from never “seeing” the two of you getting together to “thinking long term”? That’s a pretty big jump in emotional involvement). So I say go for it, but don’t expect too much. Like the DW, I usually err on the side of being open and honest in confusing situations like this one. Sometimes it works out the way I want and sometimes it doesn’t, but at least then I never have to wonder what would’ve happened if only I’d said what I wanted. Good relationships have come out of far more effed up circumstances, so you don’t have a lot to lose at this point — the romantic element is already out in the open now, so you might as well address it and at least get a straight answer out of her. Good luck!

  6. WendyV says:

    M.E., I’ve been through a nasty divorce and all that entails, so I can relate to this situation, but here’s the thing that stuck with me from this blog: not only am I not convinced she’s into you in a romantical sort of way, I’m not convinced you’re into her in that way, either. I get the feeling you want to be into her, and but I’m not sure you are. In deference to the above posts, she does sound like she wants to be wanted, but so do you. I also think this is about comfort and proximity.
    I would agree with The Wifey. Don’t ask her out. You can broach the subject of the mixed signals without asking her for a date.
    You SHOULD let her know how much she means to you, and you can do that without specifying that you mean as friends or as more. You can simply tell her that she is one of the most important people in your life, and you value her tremendously. But yeah, you can’t live with the ambiguity, or it will start to have a corrosive effect on the friendship which means so much to you.

  7. ME says:

    Ok, UPDATE!
    Well, it has been a long while since I gave the last update and alot has happened. First off, she dumped the country bumpkin after she cought him lying to her. Then, we talked about our friendship and how much it meant to both of us and once that was out of the way, I formally asked her out on a “real” date. Much to my supprise, she bought two new dresses that she said I would love depending on where I was taking her. I explained to her that the dress shoud be somewhat formal because of the atmosphere, but that we would be the only two “customers” in the building. Then began the 20 questions, where are we going, what are we doing, etc. As luck would have it, I stuck my foot in my mouth a while back by telling her that she was so special to me that I would close her favorite itallian restaurant for her. Of course she did not think that it was possible because it is a franchise deal and not a mom and pop place. Needless to say, after contacting the owner, he closed his business several hours early, set a table in the middle of the room complete with candles and flowers to set the mood and the date was on. I picked her up at 8 as usual and she was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. We drove to the restaurant, had a beautiful candelight dinner, long conversation great laughs and overall a really great time. When the date was over, I drove her home and we agreed to play a little pool but first she had something to do. She gets in her truck and leaves telling me that she will call me when she is ready to play. She called me about an hour later so I returned to her house and the pool game was on. While we were playing, she asked me if I wanted to know where she went. I told her no, I did not need her to tell me because I already knew. She acted a little supprised and told me that I only thought I knew but that she would play along if I would tell her. I said you went to the same place that I go when I need to think about a really important decision that could be life altering.( Picture a slightly stunned look on her face). I then told her that she went to where I keep my horses because there is peace there like no other place. (picture a tear in her eye coupled with the stunned look).. She asked how I knew and i told her that we were simply in tune like that, we think the same, have alot of the same opinions, and feel the same way about things. especially my horses and the peace and clarity that only nature can provide. We have been dating for 7 months now, and it has been by far the best relationship either of us has ever had. Our friendship is stronger than ever, and our love for each other grows with each passing day. For the record, I plan on asking her to marry me this weekend. I had an engagement ring custom made with a 3ct princess cut diamond for the queen of my life. I will update when the proposal has been answered.

    Thanks for all of the responses to my questions


  8. Pingback: A Quickie for July 14, 2011 | The Dude Whisperer

  9. ME says:

    OK, the proposal has been answered. SHE SAID YES! We will be having a November wedding 11-11-11-11 symbolic of “THE ONE”. The one person that I should have passed everyone else for and had in my life far longer than I have. Thanks for all of your help and responses. Remember “LIFE IS TOO SHORT NOT TO BE HAPPY AND TOO LONG NOT TO DO IT WELL”.


  10. Congrats, ME! This all just sounds so god damned cute the DW doesn’t know what to do with himself. Best of luck, you crazy kids. We’re all wishing you years and years of happiness.

  11. Wendy says:

    Wow, phenomenal! Congratulations!

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