Dudefile #99 – He Talks About Other Girls in Front of Me

Hey DW,

My boyfriend of almost 1 year has this habit of talking about other girls in front of me. Whether it’s about situations from the past or in a “joking” manner, I find it disrespectful.

Most recently, he talked to a friend about his old job working at a deli while I was in the car. He said how he hated when, “a hot woman would come to the counter and asked for shaved meat, and he would say, “Yeah, I beat you do,”” (referring to a sexually explicit joke). When he turned around and saw me staring out the window, he said “I’m sorry, baby, but I’m a guy.”

Later, after his friend left, he apologized, seeing that I wasn’t amused by it, and said, “I meant the older hot women that came in, not anyone your age,” like that was supposed to make me feel so much better. He makes says crap like this all the time and doesn’t see how it bothers me making excuses like 1, “I’m a guy,” 2, “It was harmless/It was a joke,” or 3, “I told you to cover your ears.”

I find this disrespectful because he doesn’t even wait until I’m not around. If he says crap like this with me next to him, I can’t even imagine what the hell he says when I’m not around. Maybe it bothers me even more because I NEVER say anything remotely close to the rude/crude/and ungentlemanly like things he says, and woman are just as capable. I’m a young woman who doesn’t want to be attached to someone who acts that way, nor do I think I deserve it.

Am I overreacting? Should he get several “free passes” to say whatever he feels, because he’s a male?

Thanks for any advice you have,

A

 

Hi A,

Were you really expecting the DW to say, “Why yes! You should give your dude several free passes to say whatever he wants because he’s a male!” Come on, now. The DW’s way too sensitive for that, sugartits. 

Ah, but that doesn’t mean the DW is going to take the bait of completely siding with you, either. Mainly because your question isn’t really the one you should be asking.

Look, this situation with Captain Deli Meat isn’t about what dudes are allowed to say because they have dingdongs or what women are supposed to grin and bear because they have hoohoos. It’s not about whether your boyfriend has a seventh grade sense of humor, tells misogynistic jokes as an insecurity reflex, or is simply a bit of a meathead. It’s not about turning the situation back to you and wondering if you took a dipshitty ironic joke out of context, have a rather Victorian sensibility that is offended by any passing acknowledgement that other women exist, or are simply a little pouty and precious by force of habit. Whichever, if any, of these things is true is irrelevant. There is no point in unwinding this string any further. The answers don’t matter.

What this is about is you and this dude being wildly and spectacularly incompatible. The fact is, if you are, as you say, a woman who does not want to be attached to someone like this dude, by all means un-attach yourself. Because he’s not only like this dude, he is this dude. Exactly this dude. Is now. Has been for a year. Always will be. Your issue isn’t with a joke he made, it’s with how he is in a much more fundamental sense.

Who is “right” or “wrong” about a hacky meat joke that the DW, frankly, doesn’t even really get, couldn’t matter less if you don’t like him, in general, as a person. And these things always run both ways. If you think your dude looks forward to having you frown him to death in front of his friends or constantly apologizing when he doesn’t really mean it, then the divide is even larger than the DW suspected.

Hey, it’s okay to have something not work out. It’s not wasted time. Everybody has a relationship or two or thirteen that goes sideways at some point. You learn, you move on, you hope to do a little better next time.

Here’s to listening to your own words and finding a gentleman who doesn’t bother you.

Best,

the DW 

Dudefile #98 – He’s Not Giving Back in the Sack

Dear DW,

I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 5 months now and it has been great. We have the same interests and humour so we get on quite well.

But lately our relationship has been a bit of a downhill ride. When we started going out the sex was great and felt like we were both making an effort to fulfill each other’s needs. Nowadays it feels like I am still putting in the same amount of effort, but not receiving anything back.

Where’ve tried different positions, toys and I’ve even tried guiding him in the right direction but it still feels like it’s all about him and his needs. When he’s done that’s it! and I’m getting over it. How do I kick start things again?

Should I bring up how I feel and, if so, how do I bring it up without taking away his manhood?

Any advice will be helpful.

Thanks Dude Whisperer!

Yours,

Downhill Ride

 

Hi DR,

Two things are at play here. They are both very typical to dudes and neither will magically correct itself if you don’t take action.

1) Many dudes think they are waaaay better at sex than they are. Yours probably has absolutely no idea you so unsatisfied. He’s just thinking, “Sweet Jesus! New positions! Toys! Jackpot!” And then he’s thinking, “MMmkjasbdfebiBBBBjfklnnnnnnnb!” as he releases the Kraken, and then he’s thinking, “What a great time we just had!” as he rolls over to sleep. To him, the sex appears to be escalating in dramatics. He has no idea you are sick of this cycle.

2) Dudes do not read hints. They are literal. If you say, “I need milk from the store,” a dude will get you milk from the store. If you wanted him to surprise you by bringing back chocolate and strawberries, too, it’s useless to be disappointed because the dude has not the wee slightest clue about falling short. Likewise, if you are guiding him to a specific sexual maneuver, the dude is most likely doing the maneuver to the best of his ability. Hopefully with some gusto. If by “guiding him in the right direction,” however, you mean that you are sorta nudging a little this way sometimes and expecting him to intuit what that gesture means in a more general sense and develop a whole new way of making love to you? Well, it’s gonna be a longass wait.

So, what to do? Be specific and explicit.

Now, you might find it might mildly unsatisfying to that you have to give out vagina instructions instead of the dude figuring things out for himself. And, because it’s unsatisfying to you, you might assume a dude feels the same way and will be insulted when you give him the lowdown on the go-down. But dudes don’t give a shit. As long as you don’t get all drill sergeant on his ass and tell him his hapless peckerwielding is the sorriest, least satisfying penetration you’ve had since your last flu shot, he’ll be fine.

A tip? Couch things in terms of the positive, the curious, the adventurous, and the new. If you start a thought with, “You know what would be hot?” a dude will try just about whatever comes next. If you say, “You know what I’ve always wanted to try?” the last thing he’s thinking is that you’re pooh-poohing the usual routine. See, if a dude understands you’re gonna get off on something, a roadmap is always welcome. He doesn’t care if it’s sucking your toes or slapping your tush or covering you in seven and a half gallons of butterscotch pudding. And remember, if you’re already In The Moment and he’s got a tungsten plated boner, the last thing on the fucking planet he’s doing is parsing your grammar and tone of voice.  Just spit out what you want and get into position.

The point is, dudes like to feel like they can get you off, even at times when the evidence might appear to be contrary. Even if you put the egalitarian reasons aside, making you shimmy with pleasure feeds a dude’s misguided belief that he is the Most Outstanding Sex Champion Maximus of the Universe and Beyond, a title that, sadly for them, clearly belongs to the DW alone. So don’t just guide, tell. Show. Tell some more. Show some more. Be specific. More specific. To the left. No, right here. Yes. Oh, there you go. Now that finger. A little slower. Oh shit. Like that. Like that. Likethatlikethatlikethat. Yes! Don’t you god damn stop, you motherfucker! A little more. Good! Good god! Holy fuck!  Fadsfsgmmmmfkajff!!!!

And you know what? If it turns out the problem isn’t just some innocent miscommunication and ineptitude and your dude really doesn’t give a shit about your needs, you may be dating a selfish asshole and it may be time to move on. Sexual compatibility is no joke. Life is too short to keep dealing out top notch orgasms and get bullshit effort back. If this is the kind of thing he gets all me me me about, you can expect there will be plenty of other situations in which you find yourself on the short end of the exchange, as well. 

Here’s to forthrightness, fun, and a boost to both your confidence and his.

Best,

the DW

Dudefile #97 – I Just Found Out My Dude Wears Women’s Lingerie

Dear Dude,

Recently my boyfriend and I moved in together.  We’ve been dating for nearly two years and I couldn’t be happier to be with him.  We have always had a lively sex life and I think it is one of the things that keeps our relationship strong (ie, we WANT each other).  

So here’s my problem: I recently found out that my boyfriend likes to wear women’s lingerie sometimes.  When we were in the process of moving I stumbled upon an overnight bag, and when I looked inside I found some women’s panties and other clothes, like skirts and stuff.  I confronted him about it because I assumed they must have belonged to his ex-girlfriend and I was pretty pissed thinking he had kept some of her stuff!  But since I was clearly getting worked up, he confessed that they were his.  He was really embarrassed and I felt terrible for pushing him about it.  I told him I love him unconditionally and he can do whatever pleases him.

BUT I am a terrible snoop (I feel pretty ashamed actually), and when he wasn’t home I looked through the bag.  In addition to ladies’ underwear etc, I found some papers and a notebook filled with his writing, in which he had scrawled pages and pages of really filthy sexual fantasies.  Most of which describe gay sex.  Now, I really don’t mind much about the dressing up thing.  But what seems to bother me the most is the possibility that he might have some strong hidden desires to be with a man, which means that I cannot fulfill him.  I’m  by no means a prude, but I also am upset by these pages and pages of fantasies that he’s written out because some of them are kind of violent and shocking (to me at least), and he seems to have some obsessive drive in writing this stuff down.

I think I can deal with some occasional cross dressing, even though I don’t understand it, as long as I feel assured that he is truly committed to me and desires ME (which I do).  I am NOT suggesting that I think he is a closeted homosexual, but he definitely does have some desires that defy gender norms.  And some of those desires include sucking another guy’s dick while wearing women’s lingerie.

I feel kind of guilty for writing to you about this, I know my bf is really embarrassed and ashamed I found out, but as far as he knows I only know that he wears women’s clothes sometimes.  I feel really torn up about this.  I would appreciate anything you have to say, because I don’t feel like there is anybody I can talk to about this.

Sincerely,

Worried Girlfriend

 

Hi WG,

See, this is where snooping gets you. One day you move in with your super perfect boyfriend, the next you have a bed covered in extra, extra large panties and a head full of scandalous tales stuffed with images you can’t unsee. 

Anyway, look. The DW is with you about the ladies garments. Whatevs. So, now sometimes when you enjoy the sweet pleasures of lovemaking you’re both wearing thigh high hose and frilly thongs. Best case, it ends up turning you on just as much as him. Worst case, you’ve made your dude wildly happy and earned the right to have him act out that Comic-Con nerd fantasy you’ve been thinking of where he dresses up like Wolverine and has his way with you right on Charles Xavier’s desk. Or pees on you. Or whatever your thing is. 

Most dudes have some sort of fantasy about pushing boundaries. The DW suspects most women are all too familiar with everyday versions of this where a dude is forever trying to put something in your butt or talk you into blowing him on video or asking you to say something naughty like you mean it or “accidentally” spraying his goo somewhere you’d rather not have it.

But all sorts of dudes, like yours, have other fantasies that are a little more specific, adventurous, unexpected, filthy, shocking, pick your word. Some dudes will hop on in and say, “Here’s the deal. I likes me some fuckin’ in full body panda suits with just a little area around the balls cut out. That’s who I am, get used to it.” Others, for a variety of reasons, will take their crusty, matted panda costumes secretly to the grave. 

And normally this is where the DW would end the letter with a joke about balls and tell you to relax, be glad you brought this out into the open, and move on. Big whoop. Who cares. Just feel lucky your dude isn’t into poop. Enjoy sharing outfits!

But in this case, the DW is going to suggest you do cop to your snooping and talk to your dude about how he feels about cock. Two reasons.

One, you know the things he has written and you are troubled by them and your brain is going to keep turning that shit over and over until you reach some conclusions that may or may not be accurate and could potentially put a real strain on your conscience and the relationship.

Two, while you might be surprised how many dudes would have a go at sucking a dildo, there are approximately zero straight dudes who want an actual human cock anywhere near their face. It would be helpful for you to know if your dude gets off on the thrill of tiptoeing right up to the line of mansex or if sex with men is something he wants, in reality. 

Because here’s the thing. If tiptoeing up to the line is his deal, you two can have a fucking field day with some toys and some lubes and some imagination. But if real world dude on dude action is part of what he desires, that’s a bigger conversation. 

Is your dude gonna be pissed? You betcha. Snooping sucks. And sounds like he’ll probably be ashamed all over again, which isn’t any fun, either. Just do your best at looking non-shocked and ask him to help you understand where he’s coming from with his fantasies.

Best of luck,

The DW

A Quickie for July 14, 2011

Today’s Quickie is a first for The Dude Whisperer blog. We have an impending marriage proposal! Check out the comment stream on Ladyfile #1 from last November. Our intrepid dude question asker, ME, is gonna go for it. Let us know how it went, dude! 

Also, need a reason other than daily doses of genius and superior bursts of personality to follow the DW on the (soon to be obsolete thanks to Google+) Twittermachines? The DW and a Twitter follower recently invented double pie. Double fucking pie!

Dudefile #96 – Two Dudes, a Gal, and an Elephant Dong

Dear Dude Whisperer,

I have a dude.  He’s awesome.  We’ve been together almost ten years, we’re working on the baby-making, it’s cool.  I mean, we have our issues, but what couple doesn’t?

When I got together with Dude #1, I was already banging Dude #2, and continued to do so after commencing banging #1.  #2 and I hardly ever saw each other–lived in different cities, that kind of thing.

Well, Dude #2 is no longer around to bang–the guy died, in a literal pining-for-the-fjords kind of way, and I was pretty broken up about it for a while there.  But I have since met Dude #3.

The thing about Dude #3 is, he’s totally better for me than #2 ever was.  Plus he has enough money that we can see each other every couple of months…and he’s hung like an elephant, which I would be lying if I said I didn’t like.

Except, Dude #1 is kind of being weird about it.  He’s getting jealous and making up stuff about how #3 is a total slut and being weirdly paranoid about the dangers of air travel, for fuck’s sake.  This is a total surprise to me, because he had no problem at all with the banging of Dude #2.

Now, I feel like I’ve played by the rules here.  There have been no secrets or lies, Dude #1 is totally free to go find himself a chick to bang on the side if he feels like it, and I don’t think that a long weekend every two or three months is really going to put a huge strain on our relationship.  I have told him that if he wants to talk about Dude #3’s supposed sluttitude, he’s going to have to do it with Dude #3, not with me.  And in the end, if I can’t have them both, I will dump #3.

But I really don’t want to.  I’m not going to wax poetic about #3 because that’d make this too long; suffice it to say the L word has passed our lips, including at times when we weren’t actually having sex.  So what I really want to know is, how long do I give it before I decide #1 just isn’t going to settle down?  Is there anything I can do to make it work better for him?

Sincerely,

Wants It Both Ways

 

Hi WIBW,

First of all, sincere condolences on the loss of #2. Tough times. 

Now that life has normalized, though, congratulations on finding an elephant cock you like. The DW has often thought it must be a weird moment for a woman to take down a dude’s trousers for the first time and have no idea if she’s getting a baby carrot or a mozzarella log. Dudes don’t really have a correlative experience. Unleashed boobies are usually pretty much exactly what a dude had speculated based on their in-shirt appearance. True, nipples can vary from pencil erasers to tortillas. But a dude is never pausing at the top button of your blouse wondering if the cup size he’s about to bury his face in is an A or a D. 

Anyway, to your question- the thing that sticks out to the DW about the behavior of your main dude, Mr. Presumably Merely Human Sized Dong, is that he appears to want to change the rules. Dudes usually like rules. A lot. It means order. Predictability. Stability. Efficiency. It means that you buy a ticket to New York your flight goes to New York, not just you know, wherever. It means that what constitutes a touchdown is not revisited and debated endlessly before every football game. It’s why the DW honks at people who won’t make a right on red. It’s not so much the 12.67 seconds that just got added to his drive. It’s that someone doesn’t know what the fuck is going on. How can you not know the basic driving rules? Let’s go! WTF! 

Rules are also, frankly, what help dudes learn how to make sense of the women they are dating and make sense of the relationships they have with those women. When the rules get bent into weird irregular verbs, dudes feel like they’ve just been flicked in the nuts. For instance, say one of the rules of your relationship is that you like a dude to order for you when you go out to eat. Fine. He’ll do that. But if, after a dude orders for you 29 times in a row, you get annoyed at him when he tries to order for you at dinner #30, you are going to give him an instant and massive headache. Now there’s one more thing he doesn’t understand back on his plate for reconsideration for no apparent reason. Ugh. What else isn’t settled? Does he have to go over where you hang the towels again? Is he not allowed to that little super naughty thing in the sack anymore? What gives?

And what all of this means is that something is up with your dude. Maybe he’s threatened by a dude who’s packing like a pachyderm, or he’s threatened by Dumbo Cock’s money, or he’s just starting to notice that 10 years into your relationship it’s getting a lot harder for him to pull fresh side pussy while you just keep finding a brand new bag of dicks in the back of every fridge and under every seat cushion. Maybe this baby making you’re working on is causing him to come down with an acute case of The Traditionals and all of a sudden he’s having visions of the future with a lush green lawn, white picket fence, a labrador puppy and only one vagina slapping up against only one pair of hairy balls. The DW can’t tell you from this letter exactly what his concern is. The DW can tell you, though, that the issue is most decidedly not any of that bullshit about Ol’ Donkeydick being a slut. Or air travel. Seriously. Air travel? That’s so off the map for this situation the dude is practically begging you to ask him what the real issue is. 

So, the DW suggests you ask Dude #1 what the real issue is. And to prepare for that conversation you might want to ask yourself this question- Would I rather have Dude #1 and no sidebang for the rest of my life or not have Dude #1, but get to fuck everybody else? The DW suspects that’s the kind of thing that is, essentially, going to be on the table. Whatever the case, though, this is not something to try to wait out. It needs to be addressed directly and Dude #1 is doing a craptacular job of bringing it up in a straightforward manner himself.

Here’s to sorting out the dicks in your life.

Best, 

the DW

PS- Aside from having huge cocks, the DW found out this week that elephants also do this .

Dudefile #95 – The “Best 24 Hour Date Ever”

Hi Dude,

I went out a recent Saturday night with my girlfriends to celebrate a friend’s birthday. At a bar, we met a group of cutie Irish lads. In fact, I met them first and as I was asking them if they’d seen my other girlfriend, she was off already meeting one of their friends somewhere else in the bar. Great! We all had our very own Irish cutie to hang with.

After a super fun night of carousing (including Karaoke), laughs, flirting and all around warmth and affection (albeit it somewhat alcohol induced) we paired off and I brought my Irish lad home. We spent the evening hanging out with some physical contact but not the “deed”. I like for that to be really special when it happens. The next day, my cutie and I had brunch, hung out, listened to music, played with my dog and just talked and shared with each other.

After a great day at brunch, with brunch cocktails flowing we came home to take a nap. We awoke 6 hours later in the middle of the night and Irish cutie realized, he need to go home! He scribbled his number down and I directed him to the train station to take him to his town. As I thought about what might come next I looked at the number he had scribbled and to my dismay, it was unreadable. I couldn’t make out several of the numbers. I don’t think he did this on purpose. I just think he really was in a rush to get back home after a whirlwind time spent having fun with me. It was the best 24 hour date ever!

I’m worried I’ll never see him again. I spoke with my other 2 girlfriends who had been paired there own Irish lad. Only one had their guys number! The other hadn’t given hers and had said, ” your friend will get it from my friend”.

I don’t want to hunt this guy down and the only way he might be able to get in touch with me is from my business card which I believe I gave him the night before.

Was he rejecting me by not getting my number? Why didn’t he ask for it as he left to go home? My girlfriend contacted him through his friend and he said that he had texted him, but if he doesn’t have my number then he can never find me again. Help me reel in my thoughts!

Thanks!

24

 

Hi 24,

Firstly, this email confirms the DW’s assertion that if you have an Irish accent you can get blown almost at will in the United States of America. Congratulations, Irish dudes. I hope you’re enjoying our women. You dicks.

Secondly, the DW doesn’t know if he would exactly call what you had a Date. Something like Hookup or Rendezvous or Tryst might cover it a little better. Maybe Very Special Overnight Boobies Festival or Kissing the Pair of Blarney Stones if you’re feeling more descriptive. Date, however, implies that there was some sort of exploration about compatibility for a potential relationship, and that other Dates might follow if the first one went well. And that was never the intent of your Irish friend. For him, this was a fun night out and a chance to drink, flirt, sing, and hopefully release an Irish Spring onto the small of your back. That’s all.

Now, does this mean the Irish hate you and your friends? No. While it may be a bit shitty to leave illegible numbers, fake numbers, or no numbers at all, this isn’t a situation where these dudes intended to be diabolical and string you along and crush your hopes and dreams just for amusement. It was a drunken evening where a bunch of charming bullshitters took a shot at plowing through a girls’ night out birthday party. And pretty well succeeded. Oldest story in the history of humanity. Depending on how the night went down, one or all of these dudes might have been surprised they were expected to leave contact information or, frankly, that the latest bunch of American women whose panties they’ve managed to cast aside with a wink and a “Cheers!” even expected them to be there the next morning to begin with. 

Anyway, don’t look at this as rejection. Rejection in this context would have been the dude scrambling for his underpants in the morning and streaking out the door with a transparently ridiculous excuse about a dying relative and needing to feed his pet iguana while explaining that it’s definitely, absolutely, positively nothing to do with you looking horrible or being a wee pain in the arse. This dude hung around, enjoyed your company, listened to your music, all that stuff that dudes are incapable of doing with people they don’t honestly like. He just left and won’t be back because that’s the dynamic of this situation. Sometimes you’re looking for The One, sometimes you’re looking for a fun time. 

Which means you’re impulse is correct. Don’t track him down, lass. If he was interested in keeping in touch he would have made some effort to that end. Double checked he had your card. Called your phone so you had his number. Texted a pic of his sheleighleigh. Something. And his friends would have done the same. Dudes will try to play it cool sometimes, but not this cool. He’s just ramblin’ on.

Here’s to good times and fun sleepovers. Sometimes that’s all they are.

Best,

the DW

Dudefile #94 – The Mix Tape Dude

Okay, DW:

 Counting on you to translate here.

Hooked up at a conference a few weeks ago.  He was fun, smart, a good kisser, etc. Felt like a guy my friends would be friends with, you know? I had an early train departure in the morning and while he was snoring I slipped out before the alarm he had so courteously set, leaving (only) my (mailing) address on a hotel pad (we’d talked competitively about exchanging music mixes). I ended up tracking down his email a week later, and we exchanged a handful of emails. I also sent my phone number, but he hasn’t used it. Today I got two cd mixes in the mail from him, with covers he made, and a very basic note. 

So – I’m confused. I had fun and genuinely like him & would love to get together again, either for a hookup or something more. He was definitely the pursuer that night. We live in different cities. I was the one to track down his email & get in touch first (though he claimed to have already been working on the cds). Some days we’ve emailed back & forth several times. Then, nothing for several days, which is where we’re at now, and I wrote last. And, again, no call. But the package seems like some effort on his part. 

I know my behavior is part of the equation here, but I am puzzled.  I’m trying not to read too much into the song topics/lyrics, but is that a mistake? There are several lovey-dovey songs. Appreciate the fleeting nice time for what it was, or is there potential for something more? Also, respond sooner rather than later to the package, or wait a bit? 

Many thanks for sharing your wisdom.

-Confu

 

Hi Confu,

Ah, the out of town hookup. Good times. 

First of all, since the central question here is over your confusion over the dude’s behavior, let’s take a step back and wonder how much reason for certitude you’ve given him. Yes, you smooched, but that doesn’t automatically mean a lot in the context of an out of town conference fling-dang-doodle.

And, while slipping out silently and leaving your snail mail address at the bedside might have been a seriously racy move in 1873, it might feel considerably less intimate and encouraging than your other options in the age of Facebook, Skype, and sexting. Carrier pigeon would have at least added a little flair.

Point is, dude could well have been that you were purposefully holding him at arm’s length. Imagine what you would have thought if you woke up with no pants, a knot of ripe sheets, no dude, and a mailing address. What the what? At the very least, it would seem a mixed message, right?

Now, it certainly shows interest that you found the dude on email a week later, and that you offered your phone number. But what kind of interest? Did you wait a week on purpose, the dude might wonder, just so it’s clear this is a friendly music exchange kinda situation? Why a tap on the brakes and then a pump on the gas? First impressions mean a lot. Your first impression probably didn’t offer a clear path for the dude to travel. And that could be coloring everything after. 

Look, this isn’t to blame you. It’s just to offer that the dude’s side of this equation is just a muddled as yours. He has no idea what you want, either. Like you, he met somebody kinda awesome, did some naked networking, and woke up wondering what the fuck to do next. Same boat. To parse his every move as if this dude has all the answers will only make you nuts.

Another thing to consider is that dudes tend to be pragmatic in a way that makes women not so much think of the word Pragmatic as the words Confusing, Disappointing, Unsatisfying, or Deeply Un-Romantic. For example, in purely practical terms, you are a woman this dude hooked up with once, who lives at least one major city away, and whom he has yet to speak with on the phone. For now, unsatisfying or deeply un-romantic as it may seem, making a mix for you and emailing semi-regularly might be all he feels like putting into the situation, even if he’s pretty interested in you.

Sure, it might be much more Ryan Reynolds if he called every day for a week and then showed up at your door with a rose in one hand and a puppy in the other, but even if he did and you boned the night away with magical sensual explosion of tenderness and filth, the next morning when you woke up you would still live in different cities, still not Really know each other, and now somebody’s got to run out and buy a vase and some dog chow. And wouldn’t it creep you out a little if he suddenly came on that strong, anyway?

Look, so far this dude sent what he said he would send, he writes back when you write, and seems a decent enough fellow. A city away, he could have easily vanished into the ether by now if he wanted to. If you want another hookup and/or a date, though, the best thing to do would be to ask for it. If he’s gotten the impression you were keeping him at arm’s length or wanting to go at tortoise rather than hare speed, he might be too polite or discouraged to push you forward to dateland or back to fuckland himself.

Try this. Pick a spot halfway between your cities and ask if he’s ever been to the Boardwalk there, or the dog track, or the crab shack, or the World’s Second Largest Ball of Twine, or whatever silly diversion there might be in that burg and invite him to join you for an adventure. Or, you know, just shoot him a text of your titties. 

He’ll either accept or he won’t or he’ll come up with an alternate plan and things will either advance or they’ll slow or they’ll stop. But they will get clearer.

Here’s to 21^st century love.

Best,

the DW

A Quickie for June 20th

What’s the DW doing today? He’s guesting on romance author Delaney Diamond’s blog, that’s what he’s doing. Link is right here. Swing on by and say hi. The DW will be interacting with comments and it should be a lot of fun. Word has it, Delaney might even be giving away some romance novels from her personal collection, so you can get some genius and some sexxxy. Can’t lose. In fact, the DW’s getting a semi just thinking about it.

New DW post right here tomorrow.

Dudefile #93 – He Promised!

Dear DW,

About a year ago I received a Facebook friendship request from someone I knew 4 years ago (and tried very hard to date me, although I was in a relationship at the time and I didn’t pursue). No longer in that relationship, I was excited to hear from him and began emailing through Facebook.

I was traveling quite a bit in the first few months of chatting so we ended up getting together last Fall for dinner and had a great time! From that point on, our “relationship” was very scattered, both having super busy schedules, but always keeping in touch via text/phone and seeing each other at random.

Every time we see each other there’s always a huge hug and a lot of smiles. When I’m with him, I feel amazing and we have such a great time. I felt that he was completely interested and genuinely happy when he was with me. Especially since he would say on many occasions that he was so happy to have found me again and that he has never stopped thinking about me all these years. 

Unfortunately, the moment we would part, I would question his intentions immensely because his schedule always took precedence and our time together was always very random and spur of the moment. Our first and second date had about 3 weeks between them yet we spoke almost every day. When I asked him if he wanted to see me again, his response was “of course I do, you never have to question that about me.”

January comes around, I see him upon returning from being away for the back half of December and then he basically drops off the face of the earth. I reach out to him via text and leave him a casual voice mail saying hello, with no response. I decide to write an email asking what happened and that if he wasn’t interested to just let me know, that we were friends and he could just be honest with me. No response whatsoever.

March comes around, with no communication (except of course him “liking” my status every other post and even commenting on my Facebook page here and there) until I break my foot at the gym.  

He’s a trainer (we met at the gym) and so I suppose he felt compelled to reach out and ask me how I was doing and what happened. His response to me asking, “What happened to you?” was essentially telling me that he got scared. Amongst multiple responses, one being “that’s a shame”, I felt good about telling him what I needed to and assumed that would be that. We then began to have more frequent conversations, all initiated by him, and then start seeing each other again.

The first time we saw each other again, I had a conversation with him about what happened and he PROMISED that he would never drop off the face of the earth again. In that conversation, I thought I made it clear that all I really want from him at this point is to just be honest and tell me if you’re done rather than just disappearing again. Well, a week ago Tuesday he disappeared again. The Tuesday after a Monday night together, where we had such an amazing night and he looked me straight in the face and told me he wouldn’t ever drop off the face of the earth again…right before he called me Princess and snuggled up to me all night.  Again, he PROMISED.

He left on Tuesday, we spoke that afternoon…and then his phone mysteriously no longer accepts incoming phone calls (and I called from multiple places in case he just blocked my number or something for some reason).

Oh, and I forgot to tell you that he removed himself from Facebook about a month ago and when I asked him about it, he said he just was over it. We’ve never actually emailed through the regular channels since we went right from Facebook email to the phone, so I have literally no way of communicating with him. I have NO idea what happened. I have always thought of myself as a pretty good judge of character and honestly didn’t think he could lie to my face like that on multiple occasions. 

I just don’t get it and can’t stop thinking about it, morning noon and night. My friend sent me your information and thought why not see if you have any insight on the matter.

From…PROMISED OUT!

Hi PO,

So, Brazil and Holland played a soccer match the other day. Who cares, right? Not 99.6% of America. But if you live in Brazil, this was front page news. The crowd was huge and loud. The hype was intense. Kind of like the Super Bowl is in your town. You know, the same Super Bowl that Brazilians couldn’t give a shit about.

In other words, people can care wildly more or less about the same thing. And this dude was clearly less invested in your potential as a couple than you from the get-go. Every step of the way, he’s kind of been mailing it in. Sure, when you’re together he seems charming and engaged. That’s easy. But when you weren’t literally standing in front of him, the dude acted like someone who was relieved his boss left the office for a meeting so he could surf sports blogs and steal some pens.  

 And you kind of picked up on this. And then the dude disappeared. 

Now, in a perfect world, this is where the story would have ended. You get the run-around from a flaky cheeseball trainer guy, dating thingy over, you both move on. You, to a better dude. Him, presumably to nailing everything that moves at the gym for the next seven years followed by a slow decline into that guy you see in the frozen foods aisle late at night who doesn’t quite realize the glory days have passed and that his guns are no longer loaded and his shorts are too short and his t-shirt is too tight on his belly and it’s a little too late in life to have frosted tips and lines shaved into his eyebrow.

You are apparently an optimistic soul, however, and so we got round two of the trainer after you break your foot. But here’s the thing. You’re still watching the soccer match from Brazil and he’s still watching it from America. Big deal, minor deal. Same old, same old. If anything, his lazy, craptacularly unresponsive behavior has been reinforced. What he’s learned is that no matter how long he goes away and no matter how shitty the reasons, you’ll still talk to him when he comes back.

So why did he contact you in the first place? Why contact you again? What does he want? Well, part of the equation is always your hoohoo, right? Specifically, him getting to pull down your yoga pants and fuck it. But you know that. The greater reason is that this dude is probably a flake in general. He’s learned, either consciously or not, that being a pretty trainer dude who says charming, confident bullshit like “you never have to question that about me” will get him a lot of things he wants. Like new training clients. Or an extra boost at Jamba Juice. Or blown. Or whatever. Why not contact a cute chick? What’s to lose? Doesn’t necessarily mean he’s diabolical or even had any kind of plan at all. He may just be somewhere in that all too overpopulated territory between oblivious and entitled. The DW has known plenty of flakey dicks who thought of themselves as smooth operatin’ sweethearts. 

Which means that the answer to, “What Happened?” is, “The same thing over and over.” There was nothing that really changed. No trigger point where a good thing went bad. This dude was remarkably consistently erratic all along. 

The better question is what to take away from this. It would be tempting to let the lesson be Don’t Believe Anything A Dude Says Because They’re All Liars, but that would make for a miserable life where you would never trust anyone and your relationships would be doomed to contentiousness and acrimony. And it’s not true, anyway. The DW would suggest however, that you check your next dude’s actions against his deeds. If they don’t match up, start getting seriously skeptical. Immediately. Promising and not delivering is a trait that shows up early and often and is highly unlikely to change.

Here’s to your next dude not being a trainer, a job that, based on multiple reader letters, is now on the Official Dude Whisperer Says Look The Fuck Out! List Of Suspicious Vocations along with bartender, musician, and super rich guy. 

Best,

the DW

A Quickie for June 5th

Quick in, quick out. Genius!

Anonymous via Twitter asks: Did you really meet the Wifey online? I don’t know anybody who’s had an online relationship work out. Lots of horror stories.

@dudewhisperer says: Your friends may have dated the DW’s friends. But yes, we really met online. Online dating profiles can be great filters if you let them.

Anonymous via email asks: OMG! Why do you have to be taken? Will the Wifey share? Can you ask her?

thedudewhisperer@yahoo.com says: She will not. And she says that, although she is, um, flattered or something, you best bring a Qaddafi style squad of hot chick bodyguards if you come within so much as 39 miles of Alameda County, California.  

(Got a quick question that only requires a quick response? Wanna tweet a question and get a tweet answer? This is the place for you. Write the DW and he’ll give you a Quickie.)